One June 8th, 1987, I emerged from the womb. On June 8th, 2012, which was just a few weeks past, I turned 25 years old. Normally, I'm not one to let a little thing like age stand in my way. It's just a number, after all, a little tally to remind oneself how much time (approximately) one has spent on this earth. It means nothing more and nothing less than a simple mathematical equation. So why, then, do we worry so much about our age? And why did I suddenly start doing it, too? What was it about the number 25 that made me want to dive under my bed in fright, never to emerge until I'd somehow mastered a way to hack into the time-space continuum and somehow freeze my age in this perfect position for the rest of eternity?
In a nutshell, I think it's because (like everyone else) I was intimidated.
Anyone who's met me in person knows that I'm pretty much an overgrown kid with stubble. I never really had what you could call a "normal" childhood; it got pretty wacky at times, and certain situations pretty much forced me to grow up way earlier than any kid should be expected to. In light of that, I'm pretty sure I developed what them crazy shrinks like to call "Peter Pan Syndrome" or something; because I was forced through some heavy stuff and had to make some big adult decisions as a kid, I seem to be making up for it now by being more of a kid than ever. Try to talk to me about politics or taxes or insurance or pretty much anything that has to do with money, and you'll notice that my eyes will start to develop a fine glaze, my mouth will slowly droop open, and I'll just proceed to smile and nod until you change the subject to something my little brain can wrap itself around. I could have a two-hour conversation with you about dragons. I could talk for days about the finer points of why Count Dooku's lightsaber is curved. I could write a friggin book about the evolution of Batman from his inception to present...but try to explain to me how no-fault car insurance works, and before long I'll be begging you for a quick and painless death so that I won't have to hear any more.
Now, that sounds like kind of a bad thing, doesn't it? Common sense dictates that any responsible adult living in this madcap world should have some kind of idea of how taxes and insurance work. They should at least know a little bit about residual income or savings accounts or the detailed benefits of choosing one cell phone plan over another. Knowing about this, after all, is important. More important than Batman, at any rate. But I just can't. I physically CANNOT get my brain to understand these things. When I try, it hurts. You'd get the exact same response from me as you would if you tried to explain these things to a 3-year-old. Which, in short, would be, "Huh?!?"
I don't think this will ever change. As far as taxes and accounting are concerned, I'm pretty sure that I'm a lost cause. And you know what? I'm cool with that. Batman and dragons and lightsabers may be silly things that were made up by silly people, but you know what else is a silly thing made up by silly people? Taxes and insurance and cell phone plans. They're all just random bits of data. Nothing more than numbers. Kinda like age. Some people care about 'em, and some just don't give a damn.
Like I said earlier, the idea of "getting old" never really bothered me, because I always feel like a kid inside anyway. It wasn't until this year that it started to actually make me think. Two separate incidents, one at each of my jobs, gave me a bleak feeling inside. And for a while, I felt a little down in the dumps. Until a third incident occurred which completely turned me around.
Incident #1: I recently came into the position of a Starbucks barista, which means I make overly-complicated caffeinated drinks for bitchy, picky soccer moms who leave their sunglasses on indoors because...well, because they're bitchy, picky soccer moms. During one of my shifts, I was asked to walk around the store with a tray full of frappuccino samples to hand out to the crowd. When I approached a small family, the mother thanked me and took one of the samples. Her little boy tugged on her sleeve and said, "Mommy, can I have a sample, too?" To which his mother replied, "Well, sweetie, you'll have to ask the Starbucks man for one." At that moment, I froze dead in my tracks because I realized it was the first time ever that someone had referred to me as a "man" without adding the prefix "young" or the suffix "child". I was so stunned that I didn't even hear the kid when he asked me for a drink. I was sure that his mother must have been talking about somebody else; perhaps my manager was standing right behind me and he was the fabled "Starbucks Man" in question. But nope.
It hit me all of a sudden right then and there, in the middle of the store, as I stood holding that tray of delicious frozen mocha-coconut beverages amidst a crowd of increasingly confused onlookers. I realized that no matter how many Simpsons quotes I knew, no matter how many Star Wars action figures I owned or how far I could get in Super Mario Bros. without dying or what my favourite Pokemon was...I wasn't a little kid anymore. I wasn't a teenager, either. Hell, I don't even classify as a young adult! According to my age, I am, without question, an adult. A man. A grown-up. Remember when we used to say,"When I grow up, I want to..."? I've reached that point, the point where I'm supposed to stop dreaming and make that "..." a reality.
Incident #2: The day before my 25th birthday, I was called in to work a shift at the banquet hall (my other job). I was expecting another wedding, or a stag, or a baby shower, or an engagement party, or the usual fare. Instead, the party in question was something I'd never done before: a high school prom.
As I went about my business, serving pasta and veggies to a bunch of hyperactive 18-year-olds who were too focused on trying to get laid to touch any of their food, I felt as if the greater hands of fate had put me in this position before my 25th birthday so that I could face my own mortality in some weird way. Here were these upstart youngsters, graduating from high school, fresh and ready and eager to take on the big world that waited just beyond the horizon. Many of those kids will go on to college and university to become doctors or executives or chefs or hotel managers or teachers. And here I was, seven years their senior, with nothing to show for it but two minimum wage jobs, a stagnating acting career, and a few unpublished manuscripts that nobody's interested in reading because "ooohhh, they're too long". Needless to say, I was kinda bummed out.
And then, today, something glorious happened. Incident #3: I beat The Legend of Zelda.
Being one of the biggest and most epic games in the entire Nintendo library, very few people back in the day could boast that they'd successfully finished the game. It was one of the very first video games I ever remember getting my grubby little paws on. If I close my eyes, I can still see myself: I'm 3 years old, sitting on my little plush blue chair in the middle of the living room in the Rexdale-based apartment I used to call home. The coffee table was to my right, the ginormous tacky wall unit to my left. And in front of me, encased in a cocoon of wood grain, was the television set. I had a plastic NES controller in my hand, and a second after my mom pressed the POWER button on the console, that little red light blinked on, and the Zelda theme music began to whistle its way through the television speakers.
I spent hours upon hours hunkered down in that blue chair, trying in vain to get any farther than Level 4, but I just couldn't. Anyone who's played it can back me up here, too: The Legend of Zelda ain't no walk in the park. As a little kid, I could beat the likes of Mario or Sonic the Hedgehog easily. But Zelda? No such luck. The game defeated me. I loved it enough to keep trying, but could never get far.
Until today.
June 29th, 2012: I booted up my Nintendo Wii and selected the virtual console version of The Legend of Zelda. After hacking and boomeranging my way through nine increasingly merciless levels (and admittedly using a walk-through to help me find some heart pieces and stuff) I stepped into that last room and lay the smackdown on Ganon, the Prince of Darkness himself. And you know what? He was surprisingly easy.
After he exploded, I made my way behind him to where the imprisoned Zelda stood. She proclaimed me the Hero of Hyrule and thanked me for all of the shit I had to go through to get this far. Then the credits rolled, and the game congratulated me on a job well done, ending with a reminder that I could now try the much more challenging "Second Quest". And that was it.
I sat perched on my couch, Wii controller in hand, my memories flooding back to that apartment in Rexdale where the much younger me had tried in vain to get this far. And it hit me like a ton of 8-bit bricks. Ganon, Zelda, Link, the Triforce, all of it...it opened my eyes to what was really going on with this whole "turning 25" business.
Like I said, my childhood was rough around the edges, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way. We've all had to sit through some pretty unpleasant times with nothing to comfort us but the hopes that they would soon be over and we could get back to the good stuff. We've faced a lot of challenges and had to make some pretty hard decisions, and for better or worse, they've all led us to where we are today. Whether you're 5 or 15 or 25 or 75, you are who you are because of what you've done to get here. And though things may seem hard or intimidating, they're really not all as bad as they appear. When Ganon started attacking me, I was startled by how quickly I was able to dispel him with a few hits of my sword. And before I knew it, he was dead at my feet. I was expecting some nigh-invincible demi-god of evil. Instead, I only had to deal with a big blue pig in a helmet who exploded after five hits.
And when Zelda thanked me for my courage and praised me for getting this far, she really wasn't kidding. In 25 years, I've accumulated a lot of experiences. Some good, some bad, some absolutely mind-blowingly fantastic. Each one of them has made me stronger and taken me one step closer to this point. If everyone would take the time to look back on things they've been through, they'd congratulate themselves, too. Finishing school. Getting married. Making friends. Keeping friends. Performing good deeds. Learning to drive. Learning to walk. Just like in the Nintendo game, these steps became increasingly more difficult as time wore on. But we never shut the game off and gave up. We kept on playing, discovering new things, forging new paths, and making wiser choices. So congratulations to all of you for making it this far. We've beaten Ganon, we've rescued Zelda, and (best of all) we have more to look forward to!
The game encouraged me to try the "Second Quest", which features a rearranged world map that's twice as hard as the first game. When I turned 25, I reached a point in my life where one chapter had definitely ended and a new one was about to start. Up until now, I'd just been focusing on how slow my progress seemed to be, and how intimidating the upcoming chapters looked from my perspective. But now that I've learned to look back on the accomplishments it took to get here, I can proudly and confidently flip the bird at the screen and tell Ganon to go fuck himself, because I know that if I could make it this far, you can be damn sure that I'll trudge my way through the Second Quest, too. And who knows? Maybe that will take me another 25 years, when I'm 50 and I'm huddled in front of the Wii 4000, ignoring the young man in the business suit who's desperately trying to explain to me how retirement savings plans are supposed to work. Or maybe I can use my newfound knowledge to beat the Second Quest in a matter of weeks. Either way, I'll be there with bells on.
To all those of you who've sat back and frowned at the prospect of aging, who've desperately sought after hair dye and botox and sports cars and trophy wives to latch onto that youth that you feel is slipping out of your grasp, relax and take it from me. That youth isn't going anywhere unless you want it to. You're just in the middle of the Second Quest, babe. And you're going to beat it...eventually. We all will. So bring it on.
Cue the Zelda theme.
Showing posts with label Batman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Batman. Show all posts
Friday, June 29, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Justice For All
So, last week I asked you all to indulge my geekosity (which, if it isn't a word already, will become one as of now) and let me ruminate about what's on the minds of everyone who was blown away by The Avengers: that is to say, "Long-term, inter-movie, fan-service crossover events are not only possible, but they can be done EXTREMELY WELL on the FIRST TRY and they can make oodles upon oodles of MONEY! Hooray!" With that in mind, my fellow citizens of the People's Republic of Nerd, can the same thing be done...with DC Comics?! (Cue dramatic music. Actually, screw the cue, here's a link to some dramatic music).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7g9WjcGdxuM
The answer (or, I should say, my answer) to that question is a resounding "maybe". It would be a hell of a lot easier, that's for damn sure, considering EVERYTHING under the DC sun is owned by the good people at Warner Bros. Entertainment. So right off the bat, we'd have no problems with licensing/rights agreements or any of that bullshit. But can the almighty WB really get their act together and give us an epic Justice League crossover to rival the awesomeness that was Joss Whedon's The Avengers? Let's hypothesize! Which is a scientific way of saying, "I 'unno."
First things first: for those not "in the know" on comic book superhero jargon and whatnot, here's a crash course. DC and Marvel are the two major competing comic book publishers. There have been others, but Marvel and DC have been the Top 2 since comics started existing. As it was in the beginning, is now, and forever shall be. Amen. Marvel is the company who owns the characters you see in The Avengers (i.e. Iron Man, Captain America, The Hulk, Thor, etc.), as well as others like the X-Men and Spider-Man. DC, on the other hand, are the minds behind characters like Batman & Robin, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and Superman. And the DC Universe has its own dream team of superheroes banding together to fight great evil, only they don't call themselves the Avengers. That would be copyright infringement, kids! Instead, they opt to go by the title of the Justice League of America.
The Justice League's revolving door policy has resulted in a roster of heroes that has gone through more men in tights than a slutty ballerina hanging around backstage to keep the male chorus occupied during scenes when they're not needed. But the mainstays of the Justice League usually tend to be the same 7 heroes: namely, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and Martian Manhunter.
That's 7 heroes, 7 big stories, 7 movies to make to lead up to one ginormous big-screen Justice League extravaganza. And I think, with the proper nudging and motivation of certain parties, it can be done, and done well! Here's my take on it:
First off, we've already got Batman and Superman covered, so that's two down right there. I know Chris Nolan said he never wants to make another Batman film, and ditto Christian Bale. But you know what? Fuck them! We don't need them to have a good time! (Actually, I'm sorry for cursing at you, Mr. Bale. PLEASE don't yell at me!!!) Let's assume we've got Bale as Batman and the upcoming Henry Cavill reprising his role as Superman. And if Christian Bale absolutely, positively refuses to return, then we'll replace him with Jim Caviezel and make Bruce Wayne an older guy. Seriously, if you're not already watching Caviezel on Person of Interest, start watching! That show is literally Batman without costumes.
Alright. Let's try something a little more difficult: Green Lantern. We got that *snicker* "movie" last June starring Ryan Reynolds, which had great special effects and a pretty good cast, but...yeah. that's about all it had going for it. So let's delete that from our memory and start fresh. Break out a whole new Green Lantern film series, a big, epic, sprawling one, I'm talking 5 or 6 movies here. Remember, this is a sci-fi alien smorgasbord we're talking about here, there's PLENTY of room for 5 or 6 movies worth of stories to tell. Besides, there are actually four major Green Lantern characters: Hal Jordan (who we say Reynolds play), John Stewart, Guy Gardner, and Kyle Rayner. There you go, you have at least a trilogy's worth of stuff right there. Recast Hal Jordan: Nathan Fillion (of Castle fame to you non-geeks out there, of God fame to everyone else) can play him with his eyes closed. Or if you wanna go the John Stewart route and have him be African-American, no problemo. Leonard Roberts from Heroes could pull that off without a hitch, and either one of them would fit in just fine in the Justice League.
Still too easy, you say? How about Aquaman? He's like a joke; if it weren't for Entourage, there'd probably be a whole slew of folks who don't even know that Aquaman exists. But he's a pretty hefty character, being the freaking King of Atlantis and all! Let's go with the older, grizzled version of Aquaman, the one with the beard and the Captain Hook hand. I know he's overused at this point, but I think Mr. Jolie himself, Brad Pitt, might be able to get Aquaman right, as long as they focus less on his "hunk factor" and more on his 'I'm an older guy with a big burden on my shoulders factor". One of Aquaman's biggest character traits that separates him from the rest is that he's a father. And if anybody knows about taking care of kids, it'd be the man who adopts foreign children like he's ordering take-out. Throw in Jamie Foxx as his archenemy Black Manta and you're good to go.
Martian Manhunter? Piece of cake. His story would make a great movie. He's essentially a Martian who gets teleported to Earth by a mad scientist. The scientist then dies before he has a chance to finish his experiments, and Manhunter escapes the lab. He's unable to return home, so he roams the Earth, assumes a human identity, and tries to fit in to avoid being experimented on whilst continuously searching for a means of getting back to Mars. Giancarlo Esposito (who plays Gustavo on Breaking Bad and the Magic Mirror on Once Upon A Time) certainly has a way of making humans seem inhuman, and vice versa. I think he could pull off the Manhunter very nicely. Boom. Done.
The Flash. He's trickier, yes, but not impossible. First of all, let's avoid the obvious dumb Hollywood route and NOT cast Ryan Reynolds again, for the fourteenth time, in a superhero picture. Flash is a redheaded fellow with a smart-ass attitude, so I'd like to see him played by Zack Ward. If you're a fan of A Christmas Story, you'll remember l'il Zack as the bully, Scut Farkas. I'm not too familiar with the Flash storylines, but considering there's been about 50 bjillion people to step into the red-and-yellow Flash spandex at one point or another, I'm sure there's gotta be some script fuel in there somewhere. I think his archenemy is a chubby guy with a snow theme named Captain Cold, so let's toss Phillip Seymour Hoffman into an oversized blue parka and Bob's your uncle.
That leaves Wonder Woman. Now she is tricky. Much like Thor of Marvel Comics fame, WW stands apart from the rest in that she's literally descended from Greek gods and has the strength of the Amazonians, or something like that. To the extent of my knowledge, she & a bunch of powerful women got exiled to an island by Hercules (who, it turns out, is kind of a douchebag), and Wonder Woman became a leader on that island, until a World War II pilot crashed down there and she became sucked into the world of normal mortals. I guess this could still work. Substitute World War II for...whatever we call the war that's happening right now, with the terror and whatnot. As for who could play her...we've all heard so many theories, and many of them could work, too. Again, like Aquaman, Wonder Woman should be attractive, but not in an unrealistic and distracting way *coughMichaelBaycough*. She's a ruler who's had to make a lot of tough decisions, and she carries quite the burden on those supple shoulders of hers: that burden should never be overshadowed by her looks. Anyone from Cobie Smulders to Natalie Portman to Elizabeth Hurley have been rumored for the role. Personally, I think Mila Kunis might work. Then stick Rhona Mitra in there as the Cheetah (her primary antagonist), and that's all you need. Wonder Woman herself already contains so many powerful themes to support a script and its sequel, that there's not much room for error as far as story is concerned.
And there you have it. Put together these last five movies, let them marinate for a year or so, then shake well and serve up an ice cold pitcher of Justice. It can be done, Warner Bros. You have the technology. You have the money. You have the rights. Go for it. But (and I leave you with this as my final thought, friends) just because someone can do something, doesn't mean they should. Warner Brothers shouldn't do a damn thing unless they're setting out to make a quality movie series with fun, engaging characters & plotlines. If they're gonna crank out 5 pieces of shit and one huge diarrhea crossover just so they can stand neck-and-neck with Marvel and chuckle, "Me too! Hyuck! Hyuck!", then they'll get a serious wake-up call once all the bad reviews come rolling in. Quality comes first, always.
Also, Warner Brothers, call me. I will totally write those six Green Lantern movies for FREE.
I'm not joking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7g9WjcGdxuM
The answer (or, I should say, my answer) to that question is a resounding "maybe". It would be a hell of a lot easier, that's for damn sure, considering EVERYTHING under the DC sun is owned by the good people at Warner Bros. Entertainment. So right off the bat, we'd have no problems with licensing/rights agreements or any of that bullshit. But can the almighty WB really get their act together and give us an epic Justice League crossover to rival the awesomeness that was Joss Whedon's The Avengers? Let's hypothesize! Which is a scientific way of saying, "I 'unno."
First things first: for those not "in the know" on comic book superhero jargon and whatnot, here's a crash course. DC and Marvel are the two major competing comic book publishers. There have been others, but Marvel and DC have been the Top 2 since comics started existing. As it was in the beginning, is now, and forever shall be. Amen. Marvel is the company who owns the characters you see in The Avengers (i.e. Iron Man, Captain America, The Hulk, Thor, etc.), as well as others like the X-Men and Spider-Man. DC, on the other hand, are the minds behind characters like Batman & Robin, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and Superman. And the DC Universe has its own dream team of superheroes banding together to fight great evil, only they don't call themselves the Avengers. That would be copyright infringement, kids! Instead, they opt to go by the title of the Justice League of America.
The Justice League's revolving door policy has resulted in a roster of heroes that has gone through more men in tights than a slutty ballerina hanging around backstage to keep the male chorus occupied during scenes when they're not needed. But the mainstays of the Justice League usually tend to be the same 7 heroes: namely, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and Martian Manhunter.
That's 7 heroes, 7 big stories, 7 movies to make to lead up to one ginormous big-screen Justice League extravaganza. And I think, with the proper nudging and motivation of certain parties, it can be done, and done well! Here's my take on it:
First off, we've already got Batman and Superman covered, so that's two down right there. I know Chris Nolan said he never wants to make another Batman film, and ditto Christian Bale. But you know what? Fuck them! We don't need them to have a good time! (Actually, I'm sorry for cursing at you, Mr. Bale. PLEASE don't yell at me!!!) Let's assume we've got Bale as Batman and the upcoming Henry Cavill reprising his role as Superman. And if Christian Bale absolutely, positively refuses to return, then we'll replace him with Jim Caviezel and make Bruce Wayne an older guy. Seriously, if you're not already watching Caviezel on Person of Interest, start watching! That show is literally Batman without costumes.
Alright. Let's try something a little more difficult: Green Lantern. We got that *snicker* "movie" last June starring Ryan Reynolds, which had great special effects and a pretty good cast, but...yeah. that's about all it had going for it. So let's delete that from our memory and start fresh. Break out a whole new Green Lantern film series, a big, epic, sprawling one, I'm talking 5 or 6 movies here. Remember, this is a sci-fi alien smorgasbord we're talking about here, there's PLENTY of room for 5 or 6 movies worth of stories to tell. Besides, there are actually four major Green Lantern characters: Hal Jordan (who we say Reynolds play), John Stewart, Guy Gardner, and Kyle Rayner. There you go, you have at least a trilogy's worth of stuff right there. Recast Hal Jordan: Nathan Fillion (of Castle fame to you non-geeks out there, of God fame to everyone else) can play him with his eyes closed. Or if you wanna go the John Stewart route and have him be African-American, no problemo. Leonard Roberts from Heroes could pull that off without a hitch, and either one of them would fit in just fine in the Justice League.
Still too easy, you say? How about Aquaman? He's like a joke; if it weren't for Entourage, there'd probably be a whole slew of folks who don't even know that Aquaman exists. But he's a pretty hefty character, being the freaking King of Atlantis and all! Let's go with the older, grizzled version of Aquaman, the one with the beard and the Captain Hook hand. I know he's overused at this point, but I think Mr. Jolie himself, Brad Pitt, might be able to get Aquaman right, as long as they focus less on his "hunk factor" and more on his 'I'm an older guy with a big burden on my shoulders factor". One of Aquaman's biggest character traits that separates him from the rest is that he's a father. And if anybody knows about taking care of kids, it'd be the man who adopts foreign children like he's ordering take-out. Throw in Jamie Foxx as his archenemy Black Manta and you're good to go.
Martian Manhunter? Piece of cake. His story would make a great movie. He's essentially a Martian who gets teleported to Earth by a mad scientist. The scientist then dies before he has a chance to finish his experiments, and Manhunter escapes the lab. He's unable to return home, so he roams the Earth, assumes a human identity, and tries to fit in to avoid being experimented on whilst continuously searching for a means of getting back to Mars. Giancarlo Esposito (who plays Gustavo on Breaking Bad and the Magic Mirror on Once Upon A Time) certainly has a way of making humans seem inhuman, and vice versa. I think he could pull off the Manhunter very nicely. Boom. Done.
The Flash. He's trickier, yes, but not impossible. First of all, let's avoid the obvious dumb Hollywood route and NOT cast Ryan Reynolds again, for the fourteenth time, in a superhero picture. Flash is a redheaded fellow with a smart-ass attitude, so I'd like to see him played by Zack Ward. If you're a fan of A Christmas Story, you'll remember l'il Zack as the bully, Scut Farkas. I'm not too familiar with the Flash storylines, but considering there's been about 50 bjillion people to step into the red-and-yellow Flash spandex at one point or another, I'm sure there's gotta be some script fuel in there somewhere. I think his archenemy is a chubby guy with a snow theme named Captain Cold, so let's toss Phillip Seymour Hoffman into an oversized blue parka and Bob's your uncle.
That leaves Wonder Woman. Now she is tricky. Much like Thor of Marvel Comics fame, WW stands apart from the rest in that she's literally descended from Greek gods and has the strength of the Amazonians, or something like that. To the extent of my knowledge, she & a bunch of powerful women got exiled to an island by Hercules (who, it turns out, is kind of a douchebag), and Wonder Woman became a leader on that island, until a World War II pilot crashed down there and she became sucked into the world of normal mortals. I guess this could still work. Substitute World War II for...whatever we call the war that's happening right now, with the terror and whatnot. As for who could play her...we've all heard so many theories, and many of them could work, too. Again, like Aquaman, Wonder Woman should be attractive, but not in an unrealistic and distracting way *coughMichaelBaycough*. She's a ruler who's had to make a lot of tough decisions, and she carries quite the burden on those supple shoulders of hers: that burden should never be overshadowed by her looks. Anyone from Cobie Smulders to Natalie Portman to Elizabeth Hurley have been rumored for the role. Personally, I think Mila Kunis might work. Then stick Rhona Mitra in there as the Cheetah (her primary antagonist), and that's all you need. Wonder Woman herself already contains so many powerful themes to support a script and its sequel, that there's not much room for error as far as story is concerned.
And there you have it. Put together these last five movies, let them marinate for a year or so, then shake well and serve up an ice cold pitcher of Justice. It can be done, Warner Bros. You have the technology. You have the money. You have the rights. Go for it. But (and I leave you with this as my final thought, friends) just because someone can do something, doesn't mean they should. Warner Brothers shouldn't do a damn thing unless they're setting out to make a quality movie series with fun, engaging characters & plotlines. If they're gonna crank out 5 pieces of shit and one huge diarrhea crossover just so they can stand neck-and-neck with Marvel and chuckle, "Me too! Hyuck! Hyuck!", then they'll get a serious wake-up call once all the bad reviews come rolling in. Quality comes first, always.
Also, Warner Brothers, call me. I will totally write those six Green Lantern movies for FREE.
I'm not joking.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Settling the Score, Part 1
There comes a time in every man's life when he has to bite the bullet and create a Top 10 list about something. I am not every man.
Whenever I mention that I have an entertainment blog where I chat about TV shows, videogames, and movies, I get a lot of people telling me, "Oh, then you should totally do an article about your Top 10 Favourite TV shows, videogames, and movies of all time!" Which normally might sound like a fun idea, but seeing as how I'm not some kind of Internet celebrity or anything, the majority of people who end up reading these posts already know me well enough to be 100% certain of what my #1 favourite TV show, videogame, and movie will be. For those of you who don't know the answer to those questions, I'll clear that up now: A) LOST, B) Assassin's Creed II, and C) A tie between Back to the Future and Star Wars. There. All done!
Still, I was intrigued by the idea of making a Top Something list, and after some moments of humming and hawing I finally came up with something that I think everyone can enjoy. Not only have I never seen this particular list done before, but it's also something that people who know me very well probably would never be able to guess.
So, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, please find enclosed my first Top Something list on TQM: my Top 16 Favourite Movie Theme Songs.
I believe a movie is only as good as its music. Imagine some of your favourite films without a score as accompaniment: be pretty boring, wouldn't they? So as a tribute to this fading art, I humbly present to you the first part of the list, with the latter half coming next week. Provided are YouTube links as well, so you can listen to your hearts' content. Now let's not waste any more time faffing about.
#16
TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY Composed by: Brad Fiedel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGrH901xMFI
This sad, unsettling little ditty is usually stuck in anyone's head for a few days after they watch a Terminator movie, and with good reason. The simple techno-beat gives it that unnatural, synthetic feeling that one gets when they look upon the Terminators (or Schwarzenegger himself, for that matter). It's the same theme from the first movie, just kicked up another notch with some more epic instrumentation and frightening glimpses of humanity's forthcoming annihilation. Also, I dare you to listen to this without sticking your thumb up into the air and slowly lowering it.
#15
FUTURAMA: BENDER'S BIG SCORE Composed by: Christopher Tyng
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt1wg7bcjxA
Generally, when a beloved TV show gets made into a movie (even if it's just a direct-to-DVD movie like this one) its a cause for celebration for the fans. And this song does nothing if not celebrate the show's glorious return. Taking the classic theme and extending it with a few rump-shaking, foot-tapping new chords, Tyng expresses the happiness of both the fans and the characters themselves. The show everyone liked has just been renewed, it's returning bigger and better than ever with an HD movie, all is right with the Futurama world. This was the perfect way to kick off this movie.
#14
THE DARK KNIGHT Composed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1B3Mgklfd0
Get used to seeing Hans Zimmer's name on this countdown: that guy can make doing taxes sound epic. While the scores for Chris Nolan's bat-flicks are somewhat simpler than those in the movies that came before, they still maintain that quality standard of awesomeness that Bat-fans have come to expect. Listening to this piece, it's easy to imagine Batman grappling across rooftops under a full Gotham moon, beating the shit out of Joker goons. The strings alone are enough to give you goosebumps. Hell, they pretty much copy-pasted this music for the Arkham Asylum videogames.
#13
INDIANA JONES Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bTpp8PQSog
This actually would have been a bit lower on the list, but it's just so gosh-darned fun I had to put it above The Dark Knight. There isn't really anything I could say to do this song credit, so let me just put it this way: play this song at a party one day when a small group of friends are around. About eight seconds into it, count how many of your friends have starting cracking invisible whips or somersaulting across your living room floor whilst pretending to evade a giant boulder that only they can see. You know when you're on a plane and the little screens in the seats show you how far the plane is progressing across its flight path? Yeah, they TOTALLY need to have this playing when that happens.
#12
STAR WARS Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXcoM_AHuk8
Star Wars is just one of those movies that is literally defined by its music. George Lucas himself has said on numerous occasions that it's essentially a dialogue-free film with score serving as the main storytelling device. With a talented composer like John Williams at his beck and call, Lucas has every right to make that claim. You need only hear the first few notes of any piece of Star Wars music and its immediately identifiable, even to non-fans. The Force is strong with William's conductor baton, you've got to give him that.
#11
SAW Composed by: Charlie Clouser
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhSHXGM7kgE
This may seem like a weird choice at first, but I really dig this song. It caps off the end of pretty much every Saw movie, and it fits every time. It's just the right kind of music to accompany the big reveal of Jigsaw's latest crazy game. Every time those strings rise to that creep-as-hell crescendo, you sit there thinking, "Oh, shit, the whole time that was happening?!" It's a also a nice little callback to a time when all horror movies had iconic themes: Halloween, Friday the 13th, etc. This is a great little piece of music, and such a kick-ass way to end these movies.
#10
BATMAN Composed by: Danny Elfman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6frI0Xjufg
All I can say here is: what a great way to musically introduce the movie-going world to the Caped Crusader. I remember every kid on the playground raising their fists with glee and leaping around humming this tune, thanks to the fact that it was adopted as the main theme of the Batman Animated Series later on. When someone says the word "Batman" to me, I don't think of a guy in black armor with a cape: I think of this ear-tickling sucker. If every movie opened with a piece of music as bitchin' as this, the terrorists would have less reasons to hate us.
#9
ROCKY Composed by: Bill Conti
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioE_O7Lm0I4
Fuck "We Are the Champions": if you want to make a lazy person less lazy, crank this piece of music on the speakers and watch the magic. This could make a 300-pound, Cheeto-scarfing shut-in leap off the couch, pull on a track suit, and go running down the street, fists swinging and knees buckling. It's the quintessential victory dance. You could literally walk down the aisle to this at your wedding day if you wanted to, and nobody would bat an eyelash. Not only does it get you pumped, but its inspirational enough that it might even bring a small tear of joy to your eyes. And when music reaches that level of excellence, you know you've got something worthy of the championship title.
That's all for now. Next week: the conclusion.
Whenever I mention that I have an entertainment blog where I chat about TV shows, videogames, and movies, I get a lot of people telling me, "Oh, then you should totally do an article about your Top 10 Favourite TV shows, videogames, and movies of all time!" Which normally might sound like a fun idea, but seeing as how I'm not some kind of Internet celebrity or anything, the majority of people who end up reading these posts already know me well enough to be 100% certain of what my #1 favourite TV show, videogame, and movie will be. For those of you who don't know the answer to those questions, I'll clear that up now: A) LOST, B) Assassin's Creed II, and C) A tie between Back to the Future and Star Wars. There. All done!
Still, I was intrigued by the idea of making a Top Something list, and after some moments of humming and hawing I finally came up with something that I think everyone can enjoy. Not only have I never seen this particular list done before, but it's also something that people who know me very well probably would never be able to guess.
So, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, please find enclosed my first Top Something list on TQM: my Top 16 Favourite Movie Theme Songs.
I believe a movie is only as good as its music. Imagine some of your favourite films without a score as accompaniment: be pretty boring, wouldn't they? So as a tribute to this fading art, I humbly present to you the first part of the list, with the latter half coming next week. Provided are YouTube links as well, so you can listen to your hearts' content. Now let's not waste any more time faffing about.
#16
TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY Composed by: Brad Fiedel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGrH901xMFI
This sad, unsettling little ditty is usually stuck in anyone's head for a few days after they watch a Terminator movie, and with good reason. The simple techno-beat gives it that unnatural, synthetic feeling that one gets when they look upon the Terminators (or Schwarzenegger himself, for that matter). It's the same theme from the first movie, just kicked up another notch with some more epic instrumentation and frightening glimpses of humanity's forthcoming annihilation. Also, I dare you to listen to this without sticking your thumb up into the air and slowly lowering it.
#15
FUTURAMA: BENDER'S BIG SCORE Composed by: Christopher Tyng
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt1wg7bcjxA
Generally, when a beloved TV show gets made into a movie (even if it's just a direct-to-DVD movie like this one) its a cause for celebration for the fans. And this song does nothing if not celebrate the show's glorious return. Taking the classic theme and extending it with a few rump-shaking, foot-tapping new chords, Tyng expresses the happiness of both the fans and the characters themselves. The show everyone liked has just been renewed, it's returning bigger and better than ever with an HD movie, all is right with the Futurama world. This was the perfect way to kick off this movie.
#14
THE DARK KNIGHT Composed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1B3Mgklfd0
Get used to seeing Hans Zimmer's name on this countdown: that guy can make doing taxes sound epic. While the scores for Chris Nolan's bat-flicks are somewhat simpler than those in the movies that came before, they still maintain that quality standard of awesomeness that Bat-fans have come to expect. Listening to this piece, it's easy to imagine Batman grappling across rooftops under a full Gotham moon, beating the shit out of Joker goons. The strings alone are enough to give you goosebumps. Hell, they pretty much copy-pasted this music for the Arkham Asylum videogames.
#13
INDIANA JONES Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bTpp8PQSog
This actually would have been a bit lower on the list, but it's just so gosh-darned fun I had to put it above The Dark Knight. There isn't really anything I could say to do this song credit, so let me just put it this way: play this song at a party one day when a small group of friends are around. About eight seconds into it, count how many of your friends have starting cracking invisible whips or somersaulting across your living room floor whilst pretending to evade a giant boulder that only they can see. You know when you're on a plane and the little screens in the seats show you how far the plane is progressing across its flight path? Yeah, they TOTALLY need to have this playing when that happens.
#12
STAR WARS Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXcoM_AHuk8
Star Wars is just one of those movies that is literally defined by its music. George Lucas himself has said on numerous occasions that it's essentially a dialogue-free film with score serving as the main storytelling device. With a talented composer like John Williams at his beck and call, Lucas has every right to make that claim. You need only hear the first few notes of any piece of Star Wars music and its immediately identifiable, even to non-fans. The Force is strong with William's conductor baton, you've got to give him that.
#11
SAW Composed by: Charlie Clouser
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhSHXGM7kgE
This may seem like a weird choice at first, but I really dig this song. It caps off the end of pretty much every Saw movie, and it fits every time. It's just the right kind of music to accompany the big reveal of Jigsaw's latest crazy game. Every time those strings rise to that creep-as-hell crescendo, you sit there thinking, "Oh, shit, the whole time that was happening?!" It's a also a nice little callback to a time when all horror movies had iconic themes: Halloween, Friday the 13th, etc. This is a great little piece of music, and such a kick-ass way to end these movies.
#10
BATMAN Composed by: Danny Elfman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6frI0Xjufg
All I can say here is: what a great way to musically introduce the movie-going world to the Caped Crusader. I remember every kid on the playground raising their fists with glee and leaping around humming this tune, thanks to the fact that it was adopted as the main theme of the Batman Animated Series later on. When someone says the word "Batman" to me, I don't think of a guy in black armor with a cape: I think of this ear-tickling sucker. If every movie opened with a piece of music as bitchin' as this, the terrorists would have less reasons to hate us.
#9
ROCKY Composed by: Bill Conti
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioE_O7Lm0I4
Fuck "We Are the Champions": if you want to make a lazy person less lazy, crank this piece of music on the speakers and watch the magic. This could make a 300-pound, Cheeto-scarfing shut-in leap off the couch, pull on a track suit, and go running down the street, fists swinging and knees buckling. It's the quintessential victory dance. You could literally walk down the aisle to this at your wedding day if you wanted to, and nobody would bat an eyelash. Not only does it get you pumped, but its inspirational enough that it might even bring a small tear of joy to your eyes. And when music reaches that level of excellence, you know you've got something worthy of the championship title.
That's all for now. Next week: the conclusion.
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