One June 8th, 1987, I emerged from the womb. On June 8th, 2012, which was just a few weeks past, I turned 25 years old. Normally, I'm not one to let a little thing like age stand in my way. It's just a number, after all, a little tally to remind oneself how much time (approximately) one has spent on this earth. It means nothing more and nothing less than a simple mathematical equation. So why, then, do we worry so much about our age? And why did I suddenly start doing it, too? What was it about the number 25 that made me want to dive under my bed in fright, never to emerge until I'd somehow mastered a way to hack into the time-space continuum and somehow freeze my age in this perfect position for the rest of eternity?
In a nutshell, I think it's because (like everyone else) I was intimidated.
Anyone who's met me in person knows that I'm pretty much an overgrown kid with stubble. I never really had what you could call a "normal" childhood; it got pretty wacky at times, and certain situations pretty much forced me to grow up way earlier than any kid should be expected to. In light of that, I'm pretty sure I developed what them crazy shrinks like to call "Peter Pan Syndrome" or something; because I was forced through some heavy stuff and had to make some big adult decisions as a kid, I seem to be making up for it now by being more of a kid than ever. Try to talk to me about politics or taxes or insurance or pretty much anything that has to do with money, and you'll notice that my eyes will start to develop a fine glaze, my mouth will slowly droop open, and I'll just proceed to smile and nod until you change the subject to something my little brain can wrap itself around. I could have a two-hour conversation with you about dragons. I could talk for days about the finer points of why Count Dooku's lightsaber is curved. I could write a friggin book about the evolution of Batman from his inception to present...but try to explain to me how no-fault car insurance works, and before long I'll be begging you for a quick and painless death so that I won't have to hear any more.
Now, that sounds like kind of a bad thing, doesn't it? Common sense dictates that any responsible adult living in this madcap world should have some kind of idea of how taxes and insurance work. They should at least know a little bit about residual income or savings accounts or the detailed benefits of choosing one cell phone plan over another. Knowing about this, after all, is important. More important than Batman, at any rate. But I just can't. I physically CANNOT get my brain to understand these things. When I try, it hurts. You'd get the exact same response from me as you would if you tried to explain these things to a 3-year-old. Which, in short, would be, "Huh?!?"
I don't think this will ever change. As far as taxes and accounting are concerned, I'm pretty sure that I'm a lost cause. And you know what? I'm cool with that. Batman and dragons and lightsabers may be silly things that were made up by silly people, but you know what else is a silly thing made up by silly people? Taxes and insurance and cell phone plans. They're all just random bits of data. Nothing more than numbers. Kinda like age. Some people care about 'em, and some just don't give a damn.
Like I said earlier, the idea of "getting old" never really bothered me, because I always feel like a kid inside anyway. It wasn't until this year that it started to actually make me think. Two separate incidents, one at each of my jobs, gave me a bleak feeling inside. And for a while, I felt a little down in the dumps. Until a third incident occurred which completely turned me around.
Incident #1: I recently came into the position of a Starbucks barista, which means I make overly-complicated caffeinated drinks for bitchy, picky soccer moms who leave their sunglasses on indoors because...well, because they're bitchy, picky soccer moms. During one of my shifts, I was asked to walk around the store with a tray full of frappuccino samples to hand out to the crowd. When I approached a small family, the mother thanked me and took one of the samples. Her little boy tugged on her sleeve and said, "Mommy, can I have a sample, too?" To which his mother replied, "Well, sweetie, you'll have to ask the Starbucks man for one." At that moment, I froze dead in my tracks because I realized it was the first time ever that someone had referred to me as a "man" without adding the prefix "young" or the suffix "child". I was so stunned that I didn't even hear the kid when he asked me for a drink. I was sure that his mother must have been talking about somebody else; perhaps my manager was standing right behind me and he was the fabled "Starbucks Man" in question. But nope.
It hit me all of a sudden right then and there, in the middle of the store, as I stood holding that tray of delicious frozen mocha-coconut beverages amidst a crowd of increasingly confused onlookers. I realized that no matter how many Simpsons quotes I knew, no matter how many Star Wars action figures I owned or how far I could get in Super Mario Bros. without dying or what my favourite Pokemon was...I wasn't a little kid anymore. I wasn't a teenager, either. Hell, I don't even classify as a young adult! According to my age, I am, without question, an adult. A man. A grown-up. Remember when we used to say,"When I grow up, I want to..."? I've reached that point, the point where I'm supposed to stop dreaming and make that "..." a reality.
Incident #2: The day before my 25th birthday, I was called in to work a shift at the banquet hall (my other job). I was expecting another wedding, or a stag, or a baby shower, or an engagement party, or the usual fare. Instead, the party in question was something I'd never done before: a high school prom.
As I went about my business, serving pasta and veggies to a bunch of hyperactive 18-year-olds who were too focused on trying to get laid to touch any of their food, I felt as if the greater hands of fate had put me in this position before my 25th birthday so that I could face my own mortality in some weird way. Here were these upstart youngsters, graduating from high school, fresh and ready and eager to take on the big world that waited just beyond the horizon. Many of those kids will go on to college and university to become doctors or executives or chefs or hotel managers or teachers. And here I was, seven years their senior, with nothing to show for it but two minimum wage jobs, a stagnating acting career, and a few unpublished manuscripts that nobody's interested in reading because "ooohhh, they're too long". Needless to say, I was kinda bummed out.
And then, today, something glorious happened. Incident #3: I beat The Legend of Zelda.
Being one of the biggest and most epic games in the entire Nintendo library, very few people back in the day could boast that they'd successfully finished the game. It was one of the very first video games I ever remember getting my grubby little paws on. If I close my eyes, I can still see myself: I'm 3 years old, sitting on my little plush blue chair in the middle of the living room in the Rexdale-based apartment I used to call home. The coffee table was to my right, the ginormous tacky wall unit to my left. And in front of me, encased in a cocoon of wood grain, was the television set. I had a plastic NES controller in my hand, and a second after my mom pressed the POWER button on the console, that little red light blinked on, and the Zelda theme music began to whistle its way through the television speakers.
I spent hours upon hours hunkered down in that blue chair, trying in vain to get any farther than Level 4, but I just couldn't. Anyone who's played it can back me up here, too: The Legend of Zelda ain't no walk in the park. As a little kid, I could beat the likes of Mario or Sonic the Hedgehog easily. But Zelda? No such luck. The game defeated me. I loved it enough to keep trying, but could never get far.
Until today.
June 29th, 2012: I booted up my Nintendo Wii and selected the virtual console version of The Legend of Zelda. After hacking and boomeranging my way through nine increasingly merciless levels (and admittedly using a walk-through to help me find some heart pieces and stuff) I stepped into that last room and lay the smackdown on Ganon, the Prince of Darkness himself. And you know what? He was surprisingly easy.
After he exploded, I made my way behind him to where the imprisoned Zelda stood. She proclaimed me the Hero of Hyrule and thanked me for all of the shit I had to go through to get this far. Then the credits rolled, and the game congratulated me on a job well done, ending with a reminder that I could now try the much more challenging "Second Quest". And that was it.
I sat perched on my couch, Wii controller in hand, my memories flooding back to that apartment in Rexdale where the much younger me had tried in vain to get this far. And it hit me like a ton of 8-bit bricks. Ganon, Zelda, Link, the Triforce, all of it...it opened my eyes to what was really going on with this whole "turning 25" business.
Like I said, my childhood was rough around the edges, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way. We've all had to sit through some pretty unpleasant times with nothing to comfort us but the hopes that they would soon be over and we could get back to the good stuff. We've faced a lot of challenges and had to make some pretty hard decisions, and for better or worse, they've all led us to where we are today. Whether you're 5 or 15 or 25 or 75, you are who you are because of what you've done to get here. And though things may seem hard or intimidating, they're really not all as bad as they appear. When Ganon started attacking me, I was startled by how quickly I was able to dispel him with a few hits of my sword. And before I knew it, he was dead at my feet. I was expecting some nigh-invincible demi-god of evil. Instead, I only had to deal with a big blue pig in a helmet who exploded after five hits.
And when Zelda thanked me for my courage and praised me for getting this far, she really wasn't kidding. In 25 years, I've accumulated a lot of experiences. Some good, some bad, some absolutely mind-blowingly fantastic. Each one of them has made me stronger and taken me one step closer to this point. If everyone would take the time to look back on things they've been through, they'd congratulate themselves, too. Finishing school. Getting married. Making friends. Keeping friends. Performing good deeds. Learning to drive. Learning to walk. Just like in the Nintendo game, these steps became increasingly more difficult as time wore on. But we never shut the game off and gave up. We kept on playing, discovering new things, forging new paths, and making wiser choices. So congratulations to all of you for making it this far. We've beaten Ganon, we've rescued Zelda, and (best of all) we have more to look forward to!
The game encouraged me to try the "Second Quest", which features a rearranged world map that's twice as hard as the first game. When I turned 25, I reached a point in my life where one chapter had definitely ended and a new one was about to start. Up until now, I'd just been focusing on how slow my progress seemed to be, and how intimidating the upcoming chapters looked from my perspective. But now that I've learned to look back on the accomplishments it took to get here, I can proudly and confidently flip the bird at the screen and tell Ganon to go fuck himself, because I know that if I could make it this far, you can be damn sure that I'll trudge my way through the Second Quest, too. And who knows? Maybe that will take me another 25 years, when I'm 50 and I'm huddled in front of the Wii 4000, ignoring the young man in the business suit who's desperately trying to explain to me how retirement savings plans are supposed to work. Or maybe I can use my newfound knowledge to beat the Second Quest in a matter of weeks. Either way, I'll be there with bells on.
To all those of you who've sat back and frowned at the prospect of aging, who've desperately sought after hair dye and botox and sports cars and trophy wives to latch onto that youth that you feel is slipping out of your grasp, relax and take it from me. That youth isn't going anywhere unless you want it to. You're just in the middle of the Second Quest, babe. And you're going to beat it...eventually. We all will. So bring it on.
Cue the Zelda theme.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Much E3 About Nothing
Well, E3 has come and gone, I've spent the past several days basking in its aftermath. For those who are a smidge out of the loop, E3 is the Electronic Entertainment Expo, in which a series of press conferences are held showcasing the coming attractions of the video game industry for the following nine or ten months. This year, a whole ginormous crop of new games got revealed, and it has this fanboy's panties in a twist with veritable excitement.
Although I risk making myself sound like EVERY other Joe out there with a keyboard and a ranting blog, I'd like to spend this week's entry geeking out about some of the titles that looked great (and some that looked not-so-great). I'll talk about how I feel about them, and what kind of impact their reveals left on me. But of course, this is The Question Mark, and I'm nothing if not a rebellious pioneer with a handsome, chiseled jaw and an available evening this coming Friday if any ladies out there are looking for a good time! So, instead of ranting and rambling on in a sea of typos and poor grammar (I'm looking at YOU, rest of the Internet), I'll talk about these upcoming games in iambic pentameter, the way Shakespeare intended.
NEW SUPER MARIO BROS. U
The sequel to the game on Wii we love,
Except on a whole new system this time.
The standard fare: get coins from blocks above.
It's all the same, but hey, is that a crime?!
LUIGI'S MANSION: DARK MOON
It sounds like a Transformers film, I know.
But this might end up being lots of fun!
I like Luigi more than Mario.
He's the George Harrison: "The Quiet One".
You're catching ghosts, that's all that I have seen.
Like Peter Venkman! Only, you know, green.
SOUTH PARK: THE STICK OF TRUTH
The South Park kids are in an RPG!
Will it be weird? You bet your ass it will.
We'll grind some levels with profanity!
Ten bucks says halfway through, Kenny gets killed.
PLAYSTATION ALL-STARS BATTLE ROYALE
The Sony answer to the Super Smash.
It's kind of shameless how close these two are.
Who'd want to play as Nathan Drake or Crash?
One of Sony's silliest moves by far.
But maybe it'll work? I hope it will.
So Sony geeks (all two of us out there)
can answer the question that's plagued us ill:
Who'd win? Kratos' scowl, or Nathan's hair?
PAPER MARIO: STICKER STAR
The first half of this title sounds A-plus!
A fourth Paper Mario? That sounds great!
But then the second half gets D-minus.
The sticker thing, I've gotta say, I hate.
But hey, let's not be rash, let's let it be!
Nintendo's pulled off wacky shit before!
Yarn seemed to work pretty well for Kirby.
If this is bad, at least the first three score.
STAR WARS 1313
Uncharted was an awesome game, no doubt.
Star Wars is taking pages from its book.
The veins of Nathan Drake all run throughout.
(At least that's how the too-short footage looked).
WATCH_DOGS
Ubisoft, you guys blew my mind away
When you showed footage from your new IP.
All of that sexiness was IN-gameplay!
Take all my money, please. And marry me.
ASSASSIN'S CREED III
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I really want to play!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Requiescat in Pace.
Exit, pursued by an Orc.
Although I risk making myself sound like EVERY other Joe out there with a keyboard and a ranting blog, I'd like to spend this week's entry geeking out about some of the titles that looked great (and some that looked not-so-great). I'll talk about how I feel about them, and what kind of impact their reveals left on me. But of course, this is The Question Mark, and I'm nothing if not a rebellious pioneer with a handsome, chiseled jaw and an available evening this coming Friday if any ladies out there are looking for a good time! So, instead of ranting and rambling on in a sea of typos and poor grammar (I'm looking at YOU, rest of the Internet), I'll talk about these upcoming games in iambic pentameter, the way Shakespeare intended.
NEW SUPER MARIO BROS. U
The sequel to the game on Wii we love,
Except on a whole new system this time.
The standard fare: get coins from blocks above.
It's all the same, but hey, is that a crime?!
LUIGI'S MANSION: DARK MOON
It sounds like a Transformers film, I know.
But this might end up being lots of fun!
I like Luigi more than Mario.
He's the George Harrison: "The Quiet One".
You're catching ghosts, that's all that I have seen.
Like Peter Venkman! Only, you know, green.
SOUTH PARK: THE STICK OF TRUTH
The South Park kids are in an RPG!
Will it be weird? You bet your ass it will.
We'll grind some levels with profanity!
Ten bucks says halfway through, Kenny gets killed.
PLAYSTATION ALL-STARS BATTLE ROYALE
The Sony answer to the Super Smash.
It's kind of shameless how close these two are.
Who'd want to play as Nathan Drake or Crash?
One of Sony's silliest moves by far.
But maybe it'll work? I hope it will.
So Sony geeks (all two of us out there)
can answer the question that's plagued us ill:
Who'd win? Kratos' scowl, or Nathan's hair?
PAPER MARIO: STICKER STAR
The first half of this title sounds A-plus!
A fourth Paper Mario? That sounds great!
But then the second half gets D-minus.
The sticker thing, I've gotta say, I hate.
But hey, let's not be rash, let's let it be!
Nintendo's pulled off wacky shit before!
Yarn seemed to work pretty well for Kirby.
If this is bad, at least the first three score.
STAR WARS 1313
Uncharted was an awesome game, no doubt.
Star Wars is taking pages from its book.
The veins of Nathan Drake all run throughout.
(At least that's how the too-short footage looked).
WATCH_DOGS
Ubisoft, you guys blew my mind away
When you showed footage from your new IP.
All of that sexiness was IN-gameplay!
Take all my money, please. And marry me.
ASSASSIN'S CREED III
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I really want to play!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Requiescat in Pace.
Exit, pursued by an Orc.
Monday, May 28, 2012
BLANK-pocalypse
If you've been keeping up with the news lately, you've probably heard the horrific (if not a tad hilarious!) story about the zombie attack that took place in Miami, Florida.
Okay, so maybe it wasn't technically a zombie attack. But the transition between this paragraph and the one previous must have been pretty damn suspenseful, am I right? I mean, hearing that something akin to an actual, factual zombie outbreak might have happened in the real world...it's nuts! Zombies are such an enduring part of popular fiction -much like dragons or leprechauns or Eskimos -that the thought of one actually existing in real life is so surreal it can be downright scary. What actually happened in Miami is as follows: a crazed man (quite probably under the influence of lycergic acid diethlamide, only even more potent) ran naked out onto the street and attacked a homeless person who was just minding his own business. But the naked man didn't attack him using a knife or a pistol or even a length of rubber hose. No, sir, this particular naked individual tackled the homeless man to the ground and proceeded to -and I shit you not here, folks -devour the victim's nose and eyeballs.
Seriously. I wish I was making this up. I'm not.
Sounds just like something George Romero would conjure up, doesn't it? And that gives me the perfect opportunity to spend this week's article touching upon something that's bothered me for a while, and that's the whole fascination with zombie apocalypses in general. Namely, I don't like 'em.
For one thing, they're always grossly misrepresented. Maybe they're just hard up for new employees over at ZombieCorp. or something, but from where I stand it seems that anything and everything can qualify as a 'zombie' these days. Infected lunatic? He's a zombie. Drugged-out porn star with a taste for blood? She's a zombie. A Nazi who injects an experimental growth enhancement serum into his eyeballs, only to have it backfire, melting his skin and turning him into a shambling mess of liquefied sinew and foul-smelling bodily fluids? Ohhh, you'd better believe he's a zombie! Personally, I'm one of those sticklers who believes that a true, definitive zombie is just the corpse of a deceased human being that is granted mobility through the use of black magic, witchcraft, or (primarily) voodoo. None of this "infected with a disease" bullshit. It doesn't matter how many brains he tries to chomp on, kids, a man infected with a maddening disease is not a zombie. He's just a sick, sick man. Therefore, if you want to see what a "true zombie" should look like, horror movies won't help you there. The best place to look would probably be Weekend at Bernie's II.
For a second thing, the idea of a zombie apocalypse has kind of run out of appeal at this point. I mean, it might be entertaining to see a man in a cowboy hat slice a zombie in half with a chainsaw or something to that extent, but how long can we stand to see that kind of thing? Zombie apocalypses are like the plain potato chips of apocalypses, in that we should stop settling for plain and try a goddamn FLAVOUR for once. At this point, every time I turn on the TV and see zombies ravaging a countryside, their undead limbs flailing and covered in buckets of corn syrup-based fake blood, I just can't help but roll my eyes and think, "Okay. We get it. Zombie apocalypses would be bad. Can we please just move on now?"
There are so many different kinds of apocalypses we could be experimenting with, and they could prove to be loads more entertaining than yet another movie where Ving Rhames gets trapped inside yet another enclosed building with yet another assortment of makeshift weapons at his convenient disposal. To prove how well these different flavours could work, here's a special treat: 5 all-NEW apocalypses, each one sexier and scarier than the last. So writers, the next time you start up a screenplay and think about adding zombies to the mix, do yourselves a favor and say "Fuck it", and go with one of these instead.
You can thank me later. With royalty cheques.
CAT APOCALYPSE: Cats may be soft and cuddly, but they're assholes. It's just a proven fact. They act nice because we feed them and we clean their shit, but if they had the opportunity, cats would kill us and everyone we love just to prove that they're superior. So imagine if every cat on the planet suddenly woke up one morning with a heightened sense of intelligence, not unlike Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Only these cats don't wait to be mistreated before starting to rebel: it's pretty much instantaneous. They're picking up butcher knives in their little paws and stabbing Grandma and Grandpa through the forehead without a second thought. And when precocious little 4-year-old Timmy tries to pick up his tabby, his tabby responds by clawing out precocious little 4-year-old Timmy's eyes. Scary? Definitely. Plausible? Yeah, I could see it happening. Plus, their fur would get everywhere.
GHOST APOCALYPSE: You know those scary movies where a family movies into a haunted house and their lives are turned upside down by the terrifying poltergeist who dwells within the house's walls? The family can't get a decent night's sleep, the children are traumatized with fear, the parents go crazy trying to resolve the situation, one or two members of the clergy get involved and only end up regretting it later...it's mass hysteria. Now, instead of concentrating that hysteria within one home, imagine that happening in every home. In every city. In every country on the planet. Boom. Apocalypse. I mean, look at all the shit that happened to that couple in Paranormal Activity; and that was just ONE ghost! Everyone who actually could fall asleep would have nightmares for the rest of their lives. Terrifying? You bet your ass. To paraphrase Cal Evans from Undergrads, "Ghosts are scary, guy."
INSECT APOCALYPSE: Aside from those really weird scientists that people generally don't enjoy talking to, nobody likes bugs. Bugs suck. They're ugly, they're unpleasant, they make our skin crawl, and some of them can bite and/or sting us, causing pain and -in some extreme cases -even death. Worst of all, they're everywhere. Literally everywhere. Jungles, forests, deserts, cities, countrysides. Beneath the floorboards. In your bed. Under your kitchen sink. Crawling across your arm right now. The world has pretty much been going through an insect apocalypse since the end of the last ice age. But the one saving grace? They're small. Miniscule, even. So we begrudgingly put up with them, comfortable in the knowledge that we could easily reach out and snuff out a bug's life with a simple flick of our mighty mammal wrists. But what if, suddenly, they weren't so small anymore? Imagine a wasp the size of a transport truck. Imagine a scorpion as big as the Empire State Building. Haven't you ever seen a fantasy that had giant tarantulas in it? Giant tarantulas are scary as hell! Normal tarantulas are scary as hell!! This is the stuff of nightmares, people! If an insect apocalypse comes, I'd be one of the first ones to put a shotgun in my mouth and end the pain before it can begin.
SUPERMODEL APOCALYPSE: Stop rolling your eyes. This can work. Imagine if a beautiful supermodel suddenly gained the supernatural ability to turn any woman she touched into an equally beautiful supermodel. And all those women, in turn, would be granted the same ability. Kind of like zombies creating more zombies, only this involves more miniskirts and much nicer hair. Imagine half of the women on the planet become "infected" with the supermodel virus, while the other half remains normal (so far). Now imagine you are one of those normal women. Every day, you live in constant fear that your husband is going to leave you to run off with one of those skanky supermodel bee-otches that are slowly dominating the planet. The normal women would go crazy with paranoia. Some of the less stable ones might murder their husbands out of sheer suspicion alone. And think of the impact this could have on society as a whole! If everyone is "beautiful", will it be necessary for the concept of "beautiful" to change? How will we cope in a world where all women are of equal visual appeal, and all men are suddenly beneath them? I know I'd be on the edge of my seat for this one.
ACTUAL APOCALYPSE: You know, the one from the Bible? With the demons and the angels and the fiery swords and whatnot? Why the fuck isn't that a movie yet? That sounds awesome!
Okay, so maybe it wasn't technically a zombie attack. But the transition between this paragraph and the one previous must have been pretty damn suspenseful, am I right? I mean, hearing that something akin to an actual, factual zombie outbreak might have happened in the real world...it's nuts! Zombies are such an enduring part of popular fiction -much like dragons or leprechauns or Eskimos -that the thought of one actually existing in real life is so surreal it can be downright scary. What actually happened in Miami is as follows: a crazed man (quite probably under the influence of lycergic acid diethlamide, only even more potent) ran naked out onto the street and attacked a homeless person who was just minding his own business. But the naked man didn't attack him using a knife or a pistol or even a length of rubber hose. No, sir, this particular naked individual tackled the homeless man to the ground and proceeded to -and I shit you not here, folks -devour the victim's nose and eyeballs.
Seriously. I wish I was making this up. I'm not.
Sounds just like something George Romero would conjure up, doesn't it? And that gives me the perfect opportunity to spend this week's article touching upon something that's bothered me for a while, and that's the whole fascination with zombie apocalypses in general. Namely, I don't like 'em.
For one thing, they're always grossly misrepresented. Maybe they're just hard up for new employees over at ZombieCorp. or something, but from where I stand it seems that anything and everything can qualify as a 'zombie' these days. Infected lunatic? He's a zombie. Drugged-out porn star with a taste for blood? She's a zombie. A Nazi who injects an experimental growth enhancement serum into his eyeballs, only to have it backfire, melting his skin and turning him into a shambling mess of liquefied sinew and foul-smelling bodily fluids? Ohhh, you'd better believe he's a zombie! Personally, I'm one of those sticklers who believes that a true, definitive zombie is just the corpse of a deceased human being that is granted mobility through the use of black magic, witchcraft, or (primarily) voodoo. None of this "infected with a disease" bullshit. It doesn't matter how many brains he tries to chomp on, kids, a man infected with a maddening disease is not a zombie. He's just a sick, sick man. Therefore, if you want to see what a "true zombie" should look like, horror movies won't help you there. The best place to look would probably be Weekend at Bernie's II.
For a second thing, the idea of a zombie apocalypse has kind of run out of appeal at this point. I mean, it might be entertaining to see a man in a cowboy hat slice a zombie in half with a chainsaw or something to that extent, but how long can we stand to see that kind of thing? Zombie apocalypses are like the plain potato chips of apocalypses, in that we should stop settling for plain and try a goddamn FLAVOUR for once. At this point, every time I turn on the TV and see zombies ravaging a countryside, their undead limbs flailing and covered in buckets of corn syrup-based fake blood, I just can't help but roll my eyes and think, "Okay. We get it. Zombie apocalypses would be bad. Can we please just move on now?"
There are so many different kinds of apocalypses we could be experimenting with, and they could prove to be loads more entertaining than yet another movie where Ving Rhames gets trapped inside yet another enclosed building with yet another assortment of makeshift weapons at his convenient disposal. To prove how well these different flavours could work, here's a special treat: 5 all-NEW apocalypses, each one sexier and scarier than the last. So writers, the next time you start up a screenplay and think about adding zombies to the mix, do yourselves a favor and say "Fuck it", and go with one of these instead.
You can thank me later. With royalty cheques.
CAT APOCALYPSE: Cats may be soft and cuddly, but they're assholes. It's just a proven fact. They act nice because we feed them and we clean their shit, but if they had the opportunity, cats would kill us and everyone we love just to prove that they're superior. So imagine if every cat on the planet suddenly woke up one morning with a heightened sense of intelligence, not unlike Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Only these cats don't wait to be mistreated before starting to rebel: it's pretty much instantaneous. They're picking up butcher knives in their little paws and stabbing Grandma and Grandpa through the forehead without a second thought. And when precocious little 4-year-old Timmy tries to pick up his tabby, his tabby responds by clawing out precocious little 4-year-old Timmy's eyes. Scary? Definitely. Plausible? Yeah, I could see it happening. Plus, their fur would get everywhere.
GHOST APOCALYPSE: You know those scary movies where a family movies into a haunted house and their lives are turned upside down by the terrifying poltergeist who dwells within the house's walls? The family can't get a decent night's sleep, the children are traumatized with fear, the parents go crazy trying to resolve the situation, one or two members of the clergy get involved and only end up regretting it later...it's mass hysteria. Now, instead of concentrating that hysteria within one home, imagine that happening in every home. In every city. In every country on the planet. Boom. Apocalypse. I mean, look at all the shit that happened to that couple in Paranormal Activity; and that was just ONE ghost! Everyone who actually could fall asleep would have nightmares for the rest of their lives. Terrifying? You bet your ass. To paraphrase Cal Evans from Undergrads, "Ghosts are scary, guy."
INSECT APOCALYPSE: Aside from those really weird scientists that people generally don't enjoy talking to, nobody likes bugs. Bugs suck. They're ugly, they're unpleasant, they make our skin crawl, and some of them can bite and/or sting us, causing pain and -in some extreme cases -even death. Worst of all, they're everywhere. Literally everywhere. Jungles, forests, deserts, cities, countrysides. Beneath the floorboards. In your bed. Under your kitchen sink. Crawling across your arm right now. The world has pretty much been going through an insect apocalypse since the end of the last ice age. But the one saving grace? They're small. Miniscule, even. So we begrudgingly put up with them, comfortable in the knowledge that we could easily reach out and snuff out a bug's life with a simple flick of our mighty mammal wrists. But what if, suddenly, they weren't so small anymore? Imagine a wasp the size of a transport truck. Imagine a scorpion as big as the Empire State Building. Haven't you ever seen a fantasy that had giant tarantulas in it? Giant tarantulas are scary as hell! Normal tarantulas are scary as hell!! This is the stuff of nightmares, people! If an insect apocalypse comes, I'd be one of the first ones to put a shotgun in my mouth and end the pain before it can begin.
SUPERMODEL APOCALYPSE: Stop rolling your eyes. This can work. Imagine if a beautiful supermodel suddenly gained the supernatural ability to turn any woman she touched into an equally beautiful supermodel. And all those women, in turn, would be granted the same ability. Kind of like zombies creating more zombies, only this involves more miniskirts and much nicer hair. Imagine half of the women on the planet become "infected" with the supermodel virus, while the other half remains normal (so far). Now imagine you are one of those normal women. Every day, you live in constant fear that your husband is going to leave you to run off with one of those skanky supermodel bee-otches that are slowly dominating the planet. The normal women would go crazy with paranoia. Some of the less stable ones might murder their husbands out of sheer suspicion alone. And think of the impact this could have on society as a whole! If everyone is "beautiful", will it be necessary for the concept of "beautiful" to change? How will we cope in a world where all women are of equal visual appeal, and all men are suddenly beneath them? I know I'd be on the edge of my seat for this one.
ACTUAL APOCALYPSE: You know, the one from the Bible? With the demons and the angels and the fiery swords and whatnot? Why the fuck isn't that a movie yet? That sounds awesome!
Monday, May 21, 2012
Six Seasons and a Movie
Popular culture is a bit like God: it's hard to define, a lot of people worship it blindly, and it often works in mysterious ways.
The best way I can think of to visually describe what pop culture (or, to use a more complex and hilariously foreign-sounding term, the "zeitgeist") might look like...picture a very, very long road running straight through a barren desert. As you drive down this road in a vehicle of your choosing (for the sake of argument, let's go with a 2004 Prius), you can see man-made structures erected on either side of the road. Lots of them. Some of them are run-down grey piles of rubble,dilapidated, forgotten, abandoned, and unloved; while others are towering fortresses with majestic towers and stained-glass windows tinted with blazing colour that provides a literal orgasmic delight to your eyeballs as you drive idly past, pressing your nose up against the window of your Prius.
These houses are the framework of pop culture itself, the literal backbone: namely, the ideas and creations set loose upon the world for audience consumption. Be they works of literature, television, cinema, comic books, websites, video game, sports, or any other media, they are represented on this dusty road by one of those man-made structures. The 1958 movie The Blob has its own structure. Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol has a structure. The Muppets Christmas Carol has a structure right next to it, just a few structures down from the L.A. Lakers structure. Everything is represented. But the thing is, every one of them starts off looking exactly the same: a plain, unadorned grey box, virtually empty and waiting to be expanded upon. Creators can only make something exist. It takes fans and -most importantly -love to make something ALIVE.
That grey box representing the L.A. Lakers didn't stay small and grey for long, because the Lakers have a plethora of fans supporting them through every game of the season. Through the good games, and through the bad, those fans continued to paint their faces purple and gold, slap on their Number 32 jerseys, and fill in the seats at the Staples Center. And that's exactly the kind of unconditional love that has allowed the grey box representing the Lakers to flourish into a towering castle of purple parapets, with golden banners fluttering in the breeze and a varnished hardwood drawbridge. It's a far cry from the structure next door, which represents a by-the-numbers, cops-&-robbers movie that only a handful of people have seen and already forgotten about, which lies in shambles of broken plaster and shattered windows.
The point I'm dragging towards at a snail's pace here is that of the half-hour TV comedy, Community, the third season of which reached its climactic end this past Thursday on NBC. To submit my application to be nominated for Biggest Understatement of the Century Award, this has been a tumultuous year for the show. Cast & crew disagreements almost came to blows, the network dropped it from syndication in favor of programs with less than a fraction of Community's talent or cleverness, and the dreaded monster called Cancellation seemed to be looming around every turn, hiding in dark crevasses and waiting to sink its teeth into another juicy morsel. The people responsible for making Community happen (i.e., the cast & crew) kept right on making the same great stuff they'd always been making. But that's not what kept the show from floundering. The life raft was tossed not by NBC, or by showrunner/creator Dan Harmon...it was tossed by us. The fans who love it so much that we'd rather jump in after it than watch it sink.
As soon as the show's mid-season hiatus was announced, there was an outcry akin to the swarm of villagers grabbing their pitchforks and storming the gates of Dr. Frankenstein's castle. Petitions were written and signed with enough speed to make Sonic the Hedgehog blush. Threats were made to the network responsible. Less psychotic fans held vigils outside of the NBC offices, chanting memorable songs and quotes from Community episodes. The Twitter hashtag #SixSeasonsAndAMovie became the single-highest trending topic for months, becoming so popular that it's now pretty much considered to be the unofficial slogan of the show itself. These outcries continued until the show finally came back on the air to seas of thunderous applause. And now, not only did the show complete its third season with a trio of spectacular back-to-back episodes, but it's been renewed for a fourth season next fall.
If you're thinking right now that these people are getting a little too worked up about some TV show, you're missing the point. NBC wanted to pull the show because of poor ratings. Ratings = money, which is the sole language spoken by most people in this industry. Community was saved not by money, but by love. If those fans didn't love the show as much as they did, there'd have been no petitions, no vigils, no hashtags, no YouTube videos, no death threats. The structure on the side of that desert road representing Community was in danger of being smashed through with a wrecking ball. But an army of stalwart supporters linked arms and stood in the way, shielding the structure from harm and fortifying its defenses until it became an almost-untouchable palace of solid gold rainbows complete with a working Dreamatorium and E Pluribus Anus flags aplenty.
That's just the kind of show Community is. It seemed destined to be a classic before the second episode even aired. It's that special kind of show where literally 100% of it is fan service, no matter what you happen to be a fan of. It brings back staples of TV that we didn't even realize we've missed until we saw them again. Everything from inside jokes to wacky character costumes to catch phrases to end-credits scenes. Every episode of Community is a grab bag of unpredictability: you never know which of your fanboy stimuli are going be tickled next. To me (and, I'm sure, to those legions of fans who hashtagged and petitioned their way through those long,dark hiatus months), the show that started off as a loving tribute to The Breakfast Club has become a quotable, genre-defying juggernaut that someone may very well create a loving tribute to thirty years from now. In the same way that Star Wars or LOST or Harry Potter touched so many hearts and minds that they became institutions unto themselves, so too has Community reached heights that other media can only dream of. In my eyes, Ben Chang is just as iconic a villain as Darth Vader or Hannibal Lechter; Abed Nadir is just as classic a hero as Frodo Baggins or Hercules. Those are the kinds of lasting impressions that Community has left us. And it's only three seasons in.
Even though the hiatus is over and NBC has conceded to fan demands, the dreaded monster Cancellation still hasn't left our peripheral vision. The next season is going to be a shortened, 13-episode run, and there's still the lingering dread that the monster might strike at any time and snuff out the show's life for good. At this point, though, if that were to happen...I don't think it would be as bad as it sounds. Like Firefly or Arrested Development before it, Community seems destined to live on no matter what the network execs decide to do with it. It has transcended the boundaries that ground normal, humdrum shows and escaped into the world. It's touched so many people that it literally has created itself: a COMMUNITY. And no amount of cancellation could ever, ever take that away. The structure that represents Community can no longer be demolished, even if we can't add any more rooms or towers to its already imposing facade. In a perfect world, we may get our six seasons and a movie. But even in the darkest possible timeline, where the fourth season ends the show prematurely and we never see any further adventures of Jeff, Britta, Abed, Troy, Pierce, Shirley, and Annie again...we still come out on top. Because the show was that good. It'll have died honorably on the battlefield, staring its executor in the eye and daring it to pull the trigger.
Pop Pop.
The best way I can think of to visually describe what pop culture (or, to use a more complex and hilariously foreign-sounding term, the "zeitgeist") might look like...picture a very, very long road running straight through a barren desert. As you drive down this road in a vehicle of your choosing (for the sake of argument, let's go with a 2004 Prius), you can see man-made structures erected on either side of the road. Lots of them. Some of them are run-down grey piles of rubble,dilapidated, forgotten, abandoned, and unloved; while others are towering fortresses with majestic towers and stained-glass windows tinted with blazing colour that provides a literal orgasmic delight to your eyeballs as you drive idly past, pressing your nose up against the window of your Prius.
These houses are the framework of pop culture itself, the literal backbone: namely, the ideas and creations set loose upon the world for audience consumption. Be they works of literature, television, cinema, comic books, websites, video game, sports, or any other media, they are represented on this dusty road by one of those man-made structures. The 1958 movie The Blob has its own structure. Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol has a structure. The Muppets Christmas Carol has a structure right next to it, just a few structures down from the L.A. Lakers structure. Everything is represented. But the thing is, every one of them starts off looking exactly the same: a plain, unadorned grey box, virtually empty and waiting to be expanded upon. Creators can only make something exist. It takes fans and -most importantly -love to make something ALIVE.
That grey box representing the L.A. Lakers didn't stay small and grey for long, because the Lakers have a plethora of fans supporting them through every game of the season. Through the good games, and through the bad, those fans continued to paint their faces purple and gold, slap on their Number 32 jerseys, and fill in the seats at the Staples Center. And that's exactly the kind of unconditional love that has allowed the grey box representing the Lakers to flourish into a towering castle of purple parapets, with golden banners fluttering in the breeze and a varnished hardwood drawbridge. It's a far cry from the structure next door, which represents a by-the-numbers, cops-&-robbers movie that only a handful of people have seen and already forgotten about, which lies in shambles of broken plaster and shattered windows.
The point I'm dragging towards at a snail's pace here is that of the half-hour TV comedy, Community, the third season of which reached its climactic end this past Thursday on NBC. To submit my application to be nominated for Biggest Understatement of the Century Award, this has been a tumultuous year for the show. Cast & crew disagreements almost came to blows, the network dropped it from syndication in favor of programs with less than a fraction of Community's talent or cleverness, and the dreaded monster called Cancellation seemed to be looming around every turn, hiding in dark crevasses and waiting to sink its teeth into another juicy morsel. The people responsible for making Community happen (i.e., the cast & crew) kept right on making the same great stuff they'd always been making. But that's not what kept the show from floundering. The life raft was tossed not by NBC, or by showrunner/creator Dan Harmon...it was tossed by us. The fans who love it so much that we'd rather jump in after it than watch it sink.
As soon as the show's mid-season hiatus was announced, there was an outcry akin to the swarm of villagers grabbing their pitchforks and storming the gates of Dr. Frankenstein's castle. Petitions were written and signed with enough speed to make Sonic the Hedgehog blush. Threats were made to the network responsible. Less psychotic fans held vigils outside of the NBC offices, chanting memorable songs and quotes from Community episodes. The Twitter hashtag #SixSeasonsAndAMovie became the single-highest trending topic for months, becoming so popular that it's now pretty much considered to be the unofficial slogan of the show itself. These outcries continued until the show finally came back on the air to seas of thunderous applause. And now, not only did the show complete its third season with a trio of spectacular back-to-back episodes, but it's been renewed for a fourth season next fall.
If you're thinking right now that these people are getting a little too worked up about some TV show, you're missing the point. NBC wanted to pull the show because of poor ratings. Ratings = money, which is the sole language spoken by most people in this industry. Community was saved not by money, but by love. If those fans didn't love the show as much as they did, there'd have been no petitions, no vigils, no hashtags, no YouTube videos, no death threats. The structure on the side of that desert road representing Community was in danger of being smashed through with a wrecking ball. But an army of stalwart supporters linked arms and stood in the way, shielding the structure from harm and fortifying its defenses until it became an almost-untouchable palace of solid gold rainbows complete with a working Dreamatorium and E Pluribus Anus flags aplenty.
That's just the kind of show Community is. It seemed destined to be a classic before the second episode even aired. It's that special kind of show where literally 100% of it is fan service, no matter what you happen to be a fan of. It brings back staples of TV that we didn't even realize we've missed until we saw them again. Everything from inside jokes to wacky character costumes to catch phrases to end-credits scenes. Every episode of Community is a grab bag of unpredictability: you never know which of your fanboy stimuli are going be tickled next. To me (and, I'm sure, to those legions of fans who hashtagged and petitioned their way through those long,dark hiatus months), the show that started off as a loving tribute to The Breakfast Club has become a quotable, genre-defying juggernaut that someone may very well create a loving tribute to thirty years from now. In the same way that Star Wars or LOST or Harry Potter touched so many hearts and minds that they became institutions unto themselves, so too has Community reached heights that other media can only dream of. In my eyes, Ben Chang is just as iconic a villain as Darth Vader or Hannibal Lechter; Abed Nadir is just as classic a hero as Frodo Baggins or Hercules. Those are the kinds of lasting impressions that Community has left us. And it's only three seasons in.
Even though the hiatus is over and NBC has conceded to fan demands, the dreaded monster Cancellation still hasn't left our peripheral vision. The next season is going to be a shortened, 13-episode run, and there's still the lingering dread that the monster might strike at any time and snuff out the show's life for good. At this point, though, if that were to happen...I don't think it would be as bad as it sounds. Like Firefly or Arrested Development before it, Community seems destined to live on no matter what the network execs decide to do with it. It has transcended the boundaries that ground normal, humdrum shows and escaped into the world. It's touched so many people that it literally has created itself: a COMMUNITY. And no amount of cancellation could ever, ever take that away. The structure that represents Community can no longer be demolished, even if we can't add any more rooms or towers to its already imposing facade. In a perfect world, we may get our six seasons and a movie. But even in the darkest possible timeline, where the fourth season ends the show prematurely and we never see any further adventures of Jeff, Britta, Abed, Troy, Pierce, Shirley, and Annie again...we still come out on top. Because the show was that good. It'll have died honorably on the battlefield, staring its executor in the eye and daring it to pull the trigger.
Pop Pop.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Justice For All
So, last week I asked you all to indulge my geekosity (which, if it isn't a word already, will become one as of now) and let me ruminate about what's on the minds of everyone who was blown away by The Avengers: that is to say, "Long-term, inter-movie, fan-service crossover events are not only possible, but they can be done EXTREMELY WELL on the FIRST TRY and they can make oodles upon oodles of MONEY! Hooray!" With that in mind, my fellow citizens of the People's Republic of Nerd, can the same thing be done...with DC Comics?! (Cue dramatic music. Actually, screw the cue, here's a link to some dramatic music).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7g9WjcGdxuM
The answer (or, I should say, my answer) to that question is a resounding "maybe". It would be a hell of a lot easier, that's for damn sure, considering EVERYTHING under the DC sun is owned by the good people at Warner Bros. Entertainment. So right off the bat, we'd have no problems with licensing/rights agreements or any of that bullshit. But can the almighty WB really get their act together and give us an epic Justice League crossover to rival the awesomeness that was Joss Whedon's The Avengers? Let's hypothesize! Which is a scientific way of saying, "I 'unno."
First things first: for those not "in the know" on comic book superhero jargon and whatnot, here's a crash course. DC and Marvel are the two major competing comic book publishers. There have been others, but Marvel and DC have been the Top 2 since comics started existing. As it was in the beginning, is now, and forever shall be. Amen. Marvel is the company who owns the characters you see in The Avengers (i.e. Iron Man, Captain America, The Hulk, Thor, etc.), as well as others like the X-Men and Spider-Man. DC, on the other hand, are the minds behind characters like Batman & Robin, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and Superman. And the DC Universe has its own dream team of superheroes banding together to fight great evil, only they don't call themselves the Avengers. That would be copyright infringement, kids! Instead, they opt to go by the title of the Justice League of America.
The Justice League's revolving door policy has resulted in a roster of heroes that has gone through more men in tights than a slutty ballerina hanging around backstage to keep the male chorus occupied during scenes when they're not needed. But the mainstays of the Justice League usually tend to be the same 7 heroes: namely, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and Martian Manhunter.
That's 7 heroes, 7 big stories, 7 movies to make to lead up to one ginormous big-screen Justice League extravaganza. And I think, with the proper nudging and motivation of certain parties, it can be done, and done well! Here's my take on it:
First off, we've already got Batman and Superman covered, so that's two down right there. I know Chris Nolan said he never wants to make another Batman film, and ditto Christian Bale. But you know what? Fuck them! We don't need them to have a good time! (Actually, I'm sorry for cursing at you, Mr. Bale. PLEASE don't yell at me!!!) Let's assume we've got Bale as Batman and the upcoming Henry Cavill reprising his role as Superman. And if Christian Bale absolutely, positively refuses to return, then we'll replace him with Jim Caviezel and make Bruce Wayne an older guy. Seriously, if you're not already watching Caviezel on Person of Interest, start watching! That show is literally Batman without costumes.
Alright. Let's try something a little more difficult: Green Lantern. We got that *snicker* "movie" last June starring Ryan Reynolds, which had great special effects and a pretty good cast, but...yeah. that's about all it had going for it. So let's delete that from our memory and start fresh. Break out a whole new Green Lantern film series, a big, epic, sprawling one, I'm talking 5 or 6 movies here. Remember, this is a sci-fi alien smorgasbord we're talking about here, there's PLENTY of room for 5 or 6 movies worth of stories to tell. Besides, there are actually four major Green Lantern characters: Hal Jordan (who we say Reynolds play), John Stewart, Guy Gardner, and Kyle Rayner. There you go, you have at least a trilogy's worth of stuff right there. Recast Hal Jordan: Nathan Fillion (of Castle fame to you non-geeks out there, of God fame to everyone else) can play him with his eyes closed. Or if you wanna go the John Stewart route and have him be African-American, no problemo. Leonard Roberts from Heroes could pull that off without a hitch, and either one of them would fit in just fine in the Justice League.
Still too easy, you say? How about Aquaman? He's like a joke; if it weren't for Entourage, there'd probably be a whole slew of folks who don't even know that Aquaman exists. But he's a pretty hefty character, being the freaking King of Atlantis and all! Let's go with the older, grizzled version of Aquaman, the one with the beard and the Captain Hook hand. I know he's overused at this point, but I think Mr. Jolie himself, Brad Pitt, might be able to get Aquaman right, as long as they focus less on his "hunk factor" and more on his 'I'm an older guy with a big burden on my shoulders factor". One of Aquaman's biggest character traits that separates him from the rest is that he's a father. And if anybody knows about taking care of kids, it'd be the man who adopts foreign children like he's ordering take-out. Throw in Jamie Foxx as his archenemy Black Manta and you're good to go.
Martian Manhunter? Piece of cake. His story would make a great movie. He's essentially a Martian who gets teleported to Earth by a mad scientist. The scientist then dies before he has a chance to finish his experiments, and Manhunter escapes the lab. He's unable to return home, so he roams the Earth, assumes a human identity, and tries to fit in to avoid being experimented on whilst continuously searching for a means of getting back to Mars. Giancarlo Esposito (who plays Gustavo on Breaking Bad and the Magic Mirror on Once Upon A Time) certainly has a way of making humans seem inhuman, and vice versa. I think he could pull off the Manhunter very nicely. Boom. Done.
The Flash. He's trickier, yes, but not impossible. First of all, let's avoid the obvious dumb Hollywood route and NOT cast Ryan Reynolds again, for the fourteenth time, in a superhero picture. Flash is a redheaded fellow with a smart-ass attitude, so I'd like to see him played by Zack Ward. If you're a fan of A Christmas Story, you'll remember l'il Zack as the bully, Scut Farkas. I'm not too familiar with the Flash storylines, but considering there's been about 50 bjillion people to step into the red-and-yellow Flash spandex at one point or another, I'm sure there's gotta be some script fuel in there somewhere. I think his archenemy is a chubby guy with a snow theme named Captain Cold, so let's toss Phillip Seymour Hoffman into an oversized blue parka and Bob's your uncle.
That leaves Wonder Woman. Now she is tricky. Much like Thor of Marvel Comics fame, WW stands apart from the rest in that she's literally descended from Greek gods and has the strength of the Amazonians, or something like that. To the extent of my knowledge, she & a bunch of powerful women got exiled to an island by Hercules (who, it turns out, is kind of a douchebag), and Wonder Woman became a leader on that island, until a World War II pilot crashed down there and she became sucked into the world of normal mortals. I guess this could still work. Substitute World War II for...whatever we call the war that's happening right now, with the terror and whatnot. As for who could play her...we've all heard so many theories, and many of them could work, too. Again, like Aquaman, Wonder Woman should be attractive, but not in an unrealistic and distracting way *coughMichaelBaycough*. She's a ruler who's had to make a lot of tough decisions, and she carries quite the burden on those supple shoulders of hers: that burden should never be overshadowed by her looks. Anyone from Cobie Smulders to Natalie Portman to Elizabeth Hurley have been rumored for the role. Personally, I think Mila Kunis might work. Then stick Rhona Mitra in there as the Cheetah (her primary antagonist), and that's all you need. Wonder Woman herself already contains so many powerful themes to support a script and its sequel, that there's not much room for error as far as story is concerned.
And there you have it. Put together these last five movies, let them marinate for a year or so, then shake well and serve up an ice cold pitcher of Justice. It can be done, Warner Bros. You have the technology. You have the money. You have the rights. Go for it. But (and I leave you with this as my final thought, friends) just because someone can do something, doesn't mean they should. Warner Brothers shouldn't do a damn thing unless they're setting out to make a quality movie series with fun, engaging characters & plotlines. If they're gonna crank out 5 pieces of shit and one huge diarrhea crossover just so they can stand neck-and-neck with Marvel and chuckle, "Me too! Hyuck! Hyuck!", then they'll get a serious wake-up call once all the bad reviews come rolling in. Quality comes first, always.
Also, Warner Brothers, call me. I will totally write those six Green Lantern movies for FREE.
I'm not joking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7g9WjcGdxuM
The answer (or, I should say, my answer) to that question is a resounding "maybe". It would be a hell of a lot easier, that's for damn sure, considering EVERYTHING under the DC sun is owned by the good people at Warner Bros. Entertainment. So right off the bat, we'd have no problems with licensing/rights agreements or any of that bullshit. But can the almighty WB really get their act together and give us an epic Justice League crossover to rival the awesomeness that was Joss Whedon's The Avengers? Let's hypothesize! Which is a scientific way of saying, "I 'unno."
First things first: for those not "in the know" on comic book superhero jargon and whatnot, here's a crash course. DC and Marvel are the two major competing comic book publishers. There have been others, but Marvel and DC have been the Top 2 since comics started existing. As it was in the beginning, is now, and forever shall be. Amen. Marvel is the company who owns the characters you see in The Avengers (i.e. Iron Man, Captain America, The Hulk, Thor, etc.), as well as others like the X-Men and Spider-Man. DC, on the other hand, are the minds behind characters like Batman & Robin, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and Superman. And the DC Universe has its own dream team of superheroes banding together to fight great evil, only they don't call themselves the Avengers. That would be copyright infringement, kids! Instead, they opt to go by the title of the Justice League of America.
The Justice League's revolving door policy has resulted in a roster of heroes that has gone through more men in tights than a slutty ballerina hanging around backstage to keep the male chorus occupied during scenes when they're not needed. But the mainstays of the Justice League usually tend to be the same 7 heroes: namely, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and Martian Manhunter.
That's 7 heroes, 7 big stories, 7 movies to make to lead up to one ginormous big-screen Justice League extravaganza. And I think, with the proper nudging and motivation of certain parties, it can be done, and done well! Here's my take on it:
First off, we've already got Batman and Superman covered, so that's two down right there. I know Chris Nolan said he never wants to make another Batman film, and ditto Christian Bale. But you know what? Fuck them! We don't need them to have a good time! (Actually, I'm sorry for cursing at you, Mr. Bale. PLEASE don't yell at me!!!) Let's assume we've got Bale as Batman and the upcoming Henry Cavill reprising his role as Superman. And if Christian Bale absolutely, positively refuses to return, then we'll replace him with Jim Caviezel and make Bruce Wayne an older guy. Seriously, if you're not already watching Caviezel on Person of Interest, start watching! That show is literally Batman without costumes.
Alright. Let's try something a little more difficult: Green Lantern. We got that *snicker* "movie" last June starring Ryan Reynolds, which had great special effects and a pretty good cast, but...yeah. that's about all it had going for it. So let's delete that from our memory and start fresh. Break out a whole new Green Lantern film series, a big, epic, sprawling one, I'm talking 5 or 6 movies here. Remember, this is a sci-fi alien smorgasbord we're talking about here, there's PLENTY of room for 5 or 6 movies worth of stories to tell. Besides, there are actually four major Green Lantern characters: Hal Jordan (who we say Reynolds play), John Stewart, Guy Gardner, and Kyle Rayner. There you go, you have at least a trilogy's worth of stuff right there. Recast Hal Jordan: Nathan Fillion (of Castle fame to you non-geeks out there, of God fame to everyone else) can play him with his eyes closed. Or if you wanna go the John Stewart route and have him be African-American, no problemo. Leonard Roberts from Heroes could pull that off without a hitch, and either one of them would fit in just fine in the Justice League.
Still too easy, you say? How about Aquaman? He's like a joke; if it weren't for Entourage, there'd probably be a whole slew of folks who don't even know that Aquaman exists. But he's a pretty hefty character, being the freaking King of Atlantis and all! Let's go with the older, grizzled version of Aquaman, the one with the beard and the Captain Hook hand. I know he's overused at this point, but I think Mr. Jolie himself, Brad Pitt, might be able to get Aquaman right, as long as they focus less on his "hunk factor" and more on his 'I'm an older guy with a big burden on my shoulders factor". One of Aquaman's biggest character traits that separates him from the rest is that he's a father. And if anybody knows about taking care of kids, it'd be the man who adopts foreign children like he's ordering take-out. Throw in Jamie Foxx as his archenemy Black Manta and you're good to go.
Martian Manhunter? Piece of cake. His story would make a great movie. He's essentially a Martian who gets teleported to Earth by a mad scientist. The scientist then dies before he has a chance to finish his experiments, and Manhunter escapes the lab. He's unable to return home, so he roams the Earth, assumes a human identity, and tries to fit in to avoid being experimented on whilst continuously searching for a means of getting back to Mars. Giancarlo Esposito (who plays Gustavo on Breaking Bad and the Magic Mirror on Once Upon A Time) certainly has a way of making humans seem inhuman, and vice versa. I think he could pull off the Manhunter very nicely. Boom. Done.
The Flash. He's trickier, yes, but not impossible. First of all, let's avoid the obvious dumb Hollywood route and NOT cast Ryan Reynolds again, for the fourteenth time, in a superhero picture. Flash is a redheaded fellow with a smart-ass attitude, so I'd like to see him played by Zack Ward. If you're a fan of A Christmas Story, you'll remember l'il Zack as the bully, Scut Farkas. I'm not too familiar with the Flash storylines, but considering there's been about 50 bjillion people to step into the red-and-yellow Flash spandex at one point or another, I'm sure there's gotta be some script fuel in there somewhere. I think his archenemy is a chubby guy with a snow theme named Captain Cold, so let's toss Phillip Seymour Hoffman into an oversized blue parka and Bob's your uncle.
That leaves Wonder Woman. Now she is tricky. Much like Thor of Marvel Comics fame, WW stands apart from the rest in that she's literally descended from Greek gods and has the strength of the Amazonians, or something like that. To the extent of my knowledge, she & a bunch of powerful women got exiled to an island by Hercules (who, it turns out, is kind of a douchebag), and Wonder Woman became a leader on that island, until a World War II pilot crashed down there and she became sucked into the world of normal mortals. I guess this could still work. Substitute World War II for...whatever we call the war that's happening right now, with the terror and whatnot. As for who could play her...we've all heard so many theories, and many of them could work, too. Again, like Aquaman, Wonder Woman should be attractive, but not in an unrealistic and distracting way *coughMichaelBaycough*. She's a ruler who's had to make a lot of tough decisions, and she carries quite the burden on those supple shoulders of hers: that burden should never be overshadowed by her looks. Anyone from Cobie Smulders to Natalie Portman to Elizabeth Hurley have been rumored for the role. Personally, I think Mila Kunis might work. Then stick Rhona Mitra in there as the Cheetah (her primary antagonist), and that's all you need. Wonder Woman herself already contains so many powerful themes to support a script and its sequel, that there's not much room for error as far as story is concerned.
And there you have it. Put together these last five movies, let them marinate for a year or so, then shake well and serve up an ice cold pitcher of Justice. It can be done, Warner Bros. You have the technology. You have the money. You have the rights. Go for it. But (and I leave you with this as my final thought, friends) just because someone can do something, doesn't mean they should. Warner Brothers shouldn't do a damn thing unless they're setting out to make a quality movie series with fun, engaging characters & plotlines. If they're gonna crank out 5 pieces of shit and one huge diarrhea crossover just so they can stand neck-and-neck with Marvel and chuckle, "Me too! Hyuck! Hyuck!", then they'll get a serious wake-up call once all the bad reviews come rolling in. Quality comes first, always.
Also, Warner Brothers, call me. I will totally write those six Green Lantern movies for FREE.
I'm not joking.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Super Fly
This post took a little longer than normal, because it involved a fair bit more research than I'm normally used to (that, and I just recently began a new job as a Starbucks barista, which is every bit as green and coffee-scented as it sounds).
So, why are we here this week? I'm hoping we can talk about a little piece of pop culture that's on everybody's mind right now. A certain little movie that opened May 4th, went on to gross unfathomable amounts of money worldwide, and shattered opening-weekend box office records previously held by the likes of Harry Potter and The Dark Knight. The little movie in question has become something of a phenomenon, the fruits of labors that began way back in 2007 with five whole other movies to back it up. The film that's sure to go down in history as one of the most successful big-budget endeavors ever made by the industry. I'm referring, of course, to The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. No, wait, it's the other one, the one where the superheroes punch things.
The Avengers is a shining example of how to do something ballsy, fun, and RIGHT. It's a culmination of almost a decade of work from some of the best Hollywood has to offer. Most people said it couldn't be done, and -in all honesty -they could very well have been proven right, had less capable hands been at work here. But instead, we've been treated to six solid movies that break the mold in terms of what the current film industry is capable of. It was a huge risk, and they pulled it off with A+s across the board on their very first attempt. Long story short, if you haven't seen The Avengers yet, please don't waste your time reading this rubbish. Go. Now. Enjoy.
I'm not going to write any detailed review or analysis of The Avengers, because I'm sure it's been articulated in much better ways already. Instead, I'd like to ruminate on how this is going to affect the movie world from now on. Namely, are long-term, multiple-movie crossovers going to become a new thing? Well, now that the numbers are rolling in for opening weekend (and I needn't remind you, these are some hefty numbers we're talking about here), I'm sure studio execs are coming to the slow realization of what everybody else has already always known: FAN SERVICE + BIG, GROUNDBREAKING CROSSOVER SERIES + QUALITY = MONEY! Wow! Who knew, right?! Once the whole "D-uh!" aspect of that kicks in, maybe producers will start being more open to adaptation ideas that are a little more comfortable with their source material.
Here's some dialogue from a pitch meeting. I'm fairly certain this is how it went, word-for-word:
EXECUTIVE #1: Let's make a movie called Wolverine.
EXECUTIVE #2: Sure! Should we add in some of the other famous Marvel superhero characters in there, too?
EXECUTIVE #1: Only one or two. Make the majority of them a bunch of unimportant, throwaway characters that absolutely nobody cares about. THAT'S what comic book fans are looking for!
EXECUTIVE #2: Okay! Should we make all of the characters look, act, and dress exactly like they do in the comics?
EXECUTIVE #1: No, that's for amateurs. We're Hollywood. We're the BIG boys. Comic book characters shouldn't look, act, or dress like comic book characters. That's not what all those legions of comic book fans want to see! The characters should be completely different, unrelatable, unlikable, and just wear black trenchcoats, because black trenchcoats are cool. THAT'S what'll put butts in the seats!
EXECUTIVE #2: That's such a good idea!
EXECUTIVE #1: I know, right?! I make $250,000 a year!
Now here's another pitch meeting. Let's spot the differences!
EXECUTIVE #1: Let's make a movie based off of the Avengers. But first, all of the individual characters will have their own solo movie series so they can grow on audiences and be more fleshed out, so that when the time comes for The Avengers we can focus on more action and plot development. Plus, the first five movies will make a TON of money, which we can use to fund The Avengers and make it one big, solid action blockbuster!
EXECUTIVE #2: Great idea! Should we add a bunch of other famous Marvel superhero characters in there, too?
EXECUTIVE #1: Yes, absolutely. As many big name heroes and villains as we can. The ones people love & remember from the comics.
EXECUTIVE #2: Speaking of the comics, should the characters dress like they do in the comics, too? Because we have about 3,000 black trenchcoats left over from the Wolverine set.
EXECUTIVE #1: No thanks. Let's get them in their genuine, colourful costumes. Fans will love that.
Wolverine's total box office gross? Approximately $180 million. Reviews range from poor to mediocre to poorly mediocre. The Avengers total box office gross? $207 million and counting. Reviews range from "two thumbs way up" to "that was so good I think I pooped my pants".
I really don't think there's anything else to say except let's hope and pray that Marvel Studios makes more of these (which they are, according to news websites everywhere). Also, to all of the people involved: to the talented actors and screenwriters, to the producers who believed in the project and took the chance, to the directors who brought it all to life on anamorphic wide screen: thank you. From all of us crazy comic book fans. Thank you very, very much.
Next week: let's take what we learned here, and see if we can put it to good use somewhere else. Namely, the flip side of the comic book world. I'm going to theorize and (if you'll indulge me) geek out a little bit on where I think a certain company should take their film projects next. I'll be looking at it through the eyes of a writer, an actor, and (most importantly) a fan who just wants to go out and have a good time at the movies. So if any of you out there happen to have some pull over at the offices of Warner Brothers Studios...this next song's for you, baby. ;)
So, why are we here this week? I'm hoping we can talk about a little piece of pop culture that's on everybody's mind right now. A certain little movie that opened May 4th, went on to gross unfathomable amounts of money worldwide, and shattered opening-weekend box office records previously held by the likes of Harry Potter and The Dark Knight. The little movie in question has become something of a phenomenon, the fruits of labors that began way back in 2007 with five whole other movies to back it up. The film that's sure to go down in history as one of the most successful big-budget endeavors ever made by the industry. I'm referring, of course, to The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. No, wait, it's the other one, the one where the superheroes punch things.
The Avengers is a shining example of how to do something ballsy, fun, and RIGHT. It's a culmination of almost a decade of work from some of the best Hollywood has to offer. Most people said it couldn't be done, and -in all honesty -they could very well have been proven right, had less capable hands been at work here. But instead, we've been treated to six solid movies that break the mold in terms of what the current film industry is capable of. It was a huge risk, and they pulled it off with A+s across the board on their very first attempt. Long story short, if you haven't seen The Avengers yet, please don't waste your time reading this rubbish. Go. Now. Enjoy.
I'm not going to write any detailed review or analysis of The Avengers, because I'm sure it's been articulated in much better ways already. Instead, I'd like to ruminate on how this is going to affect the movie world from now on. Namely, are long-term, multiple-movie crossovers going to become a new thing? Well, now that the numbers are rolling in for opening weekend (and I needn't remind you, these are some hefty numbers we're talking about here), I'm sure studio execs are coming to the slow realization of what everybody else has already always known: FAN SERVICE + BIG, GROUNDBREAKING CROSSOVER SERIES + QUALITY = MONEY! Wow! Who knew, right?! Once the whole "D-uh!" aspect of that kicks in, maybe producers will start being more open to adaptation ideas that are a little more comfortable with their source material.
Here's some dialogue from a pitch meeting. I'm fairly certain this is how it went, word-for-word:
EXECUTIVE #1: Let's make a movie called Wolverine.
EXECUTIVE #2: Sure! Should we add in some of the other famous Marvel superhero characters in there, too?
EXECUTIVE #1: Only one or two. Make the majority of them a bunch of unimportant, throwaway characters that absolutely nobody cares about. THAT'S what comic book fans are looking for!
EXECUTIVE #2: Okay! Should we make all of the characters look, act, and dress exactly like they do in the comics?
EXECUTIVE #1: No, that's for amateurs. We're Hollywood. We're the BIG boys. Comic book characters shouldn't look, act, or dress like comic book characters. That's not what all those legions of comic book fans want to see! The characters should be completely different, unrelatable, unlikable, and just wear black trenchcoats, because black trenchcoats are cool. THAT'S what'll put butts in the seats!
EXECUTIVE #2: That's such a good idea!
EXECUTIVE #1: I know, right?! I make $250,000 a year!
Now here's another pitch meeting. Let's spot the differences!
EXECUTIVE #1: Let's make a movie based off of the Avengers. But first, all of the individual characters will have their own solo movie series so they can grow on audiences and be more fleshed out, so that when the time comes for The Avengers we can focus on more action and plot development. Plus, the first five movies will make a TON of money, which we can use to fund The Avengers and make it one big, solid action blockbuster!
EXECUTIVE #2: Great idea! Should we add a bunch of other famous Marvel superhero characters in there, too?
EXECUTIVE #1: Yes, absolutely. As many big name heroes and villains as we can. The ones people love & remember from the comics.
EXECUTIVE #2: Speaking of the comics, should the characters dress like they do in the comics, too? Because we have about 3,000 black trenchcoats left over from the Wolverine set.
EXECUTIVE #1: No thanks. Let's get them in their genuine, colourful costumes. Fans will love that.
Wolverine's total box office gross? Approximately $180 million. Reviews range from poor to mediocre to poorly mediocre. The Avengers total box office gross? $207 million and counting. Reviews range from "two thumbs way up" to "that was so good I think I pooped my pants".
I really don't think there's anything else to say except let's hope and pray that Marvel Studios makes more of these (which they are, according to news websites everywhere). Also, to all of the people involved: to the talented actors and screenwriters, to the producers who believed in the project and took the chance, to the directors who brought it all to life on anamorphic wide screen: thank you. From all of us crazy comic book fans. Thank you very, very much.
Next week: let's take what we learned here, and see if we can put it to good use somewhere else. Namely, the flip side of the comic book world. I'm going to theorize and (if you'll indulge me) geek out a little bit on where I think a certain company should take their film projects next. I'll be looking at it through the eyes of a writer, an actor, and (most importantly) a fan who just wants to go out and have a good time at the movies. So if any of you out there happen to have some pull over at the offices of Warner Brothers Studios...this next song's for you, baby. ;)
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Hacked
I received a series of messages from friends and co-workers today telling me that my e-mail has been hacked. They could tell because they received strange e-mails from someone claiming to be "Me" with tips on switching long distance providers and enlarging your penis naturally. I of course have no knowledge on either subject, so, naturally, the messages were sent by an anonymous hacker who somehow wormed his way into my e-mail account. I apologize to any of my friends who genuinely believed the hacked subject lines claiming that I could have "SaveZ them big money $$$ on the Cars insurance yes".
In light of this recent event, I decided that at the end of the day this whole issue would make a great topic for this week's TQM post. So I'm dedicating this post to that special group of people who dominate many of the more sunlight-deprived corners of our society, that wonderful team of worthless wonders who make the world wide web as wild n' wacky as it is.
Hackers...this one's for you. :)
It must have been a slow, boring day in the sweaty little corner of your mother's basement that you call home, because you spent a lot of time hacking into my account and now have nothing to show for it. I'd hate to think that you're whiling away your precious, precious time on jerks like me whose accounts have nothing good to offer. So to help you guys out, I've compiled a small list of things that you could do that would be a much more productive use of your time. I would have sent this all to you via e-mail, but I'm sure you'll bust your way into it on your own sooner or later! Enjoy!
-LEARN TO BREATHE THROUGH YOUR NOSE. Your all-Cheeto diet may sound great in theory, but cheese starts to fester after a while between those beautiful unbrushed gums of yours. Panting heavily from the mouth will give these odors free access into the air, and may cause discomfort to those around you. A few quick inhale/exhale nasal exercises, and you'll be the most considerate and less creepy person in your very small circle of friends!
-DISCOVER THE OUTDOORS. Your computer might run on an operating system called Windows. Fun fact: the Windows OS was named for special panes of glass outfitted on the sides of buildings and structures, which can be opened to allow the flow of fresh air. A similar implementation known as doors can be pulled open wide enough for human beings (even ones as wide as yourself!) to access areas outside of the house/apartment. You might even see some direct sunlight! But careful: you'll peel.
-LEARN WHAT A 'SALAD' IS. As hilariously strange as it may sound, a Snickers bar and two bottles of Mountain Dew Code Red do not equal a healthy, square meal! I know, right?! I was shocked, too! But from what I hear, a quick "salad" (a medley of random vegetables tossed together in a bowl like a variety of your favourite rock songs mixed into an iPod Shuffle) and some strips of "chicken" (the real kind, not the nuggets McDonald's sells) not only taste fantastic, but they can do wonders for your waistline! Plus, before you know it, those red marks on your face and back and stomach and chest and neck will clear right up!
-PURCHASE SOME DEODORANT FROM YOUR LOCAL DRUGSTORE. Did you know that deodorant smells fantastic? And there are dozens of different scents to choose from, too! Don't like "Icy Blast"? No problem. You can get "Fresh Spring" or "Mint Ice" instead! After discovering, removing, and eating that piece of beef jerky you've had under your arm for three weeks, you'll want something to freshen up that area, and deodorant is quick and easy! It will also make the "Breathing Through Your Nose" process a lot more tolerable!
-START A RELATIONSHIP. You could meet a lovely girl in person somewhere and strike up an intelligent conversation about haaaahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Next.
-TAKE A HIGH-SCHOOL ENGLISH COURSE. Expand your vocabulary to include words other than "macro" and "html"! Not many people are going to be fooled if you send them an e-mail from one of their hacked friends' accounts that says "I can makk monee 4 you teh $avings it nice pleasz helllp." One quick seminar, and you'll be conjugating verbs like the pros do! It's quick, easy, and beneficial! Or better yet, use those vast, superior computer skills of yours and learn how to use Spell Check, for Christ's sake! I mean, what are you, a retard?!
I'm not a famous person. I'm not a rich person. I don't have access to exclusive information. On top of it all, I don't know anyone who is rich, famous, or has access to exclusive information. Therefore, there are absolutely ZERO (0) reasons anyone could possibly have to hack into my personal e-mails and start dicking around. Which obviously leaves only one possible explanation for your actions: you're a genuine, bona fide moron whose mind, body, and soul are so scarily identical to those of Jabba the Hutt that I wouldn't be surprised if a Kowakian Monkey-Lizard sits at your feet and hoots with obnoxious laughter every time you press Enter on that lifeline you call a keyboard!
So, thank you! Thank you for hacking into my account and annoying all of my friends as well as myself! Thank you for being a greasy troll who contributes absolutely nothing to society! Thank you for making Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons look like James freaking Bond by comparison! But most of all, thank you for being you! You're special, despite everything your cyber-contacts say about you! You may not be handsome, talented, smart, hygienic, dependable, likable, friendly, or wanted...but at least you're good with computers!
01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101
In light of this recent event, I decided that at the end of the day this whole issue would make a great topic for this week's TQM post. So I'm dedicating this post to that special group of people who dominate many of the more sunlight-deprived corners of our society, that wonderful team of worthless wonders who make the world wide web as wild n' wacky as it is.
Hackers...this one's for you. :)
It must have been a slow, boring day in the sweaty little corner of your mother's basement that you call home, because you spent a lot of time hacking into my account and now have nothing to show for it. I'd hate to think that you're whiling away your precious, precious time on jerks like me whose accounts have nothing good to offer. So to help you guys out, I've compiled a small list of things that you could do that would be a much more productive use of your time. I would have sent this all to you via e-mail, but I'm sure you'll bust your way into it on your own sooner or later! Enjoy!
-LEARN TO BREATHE THROUGH YOUR NOSE. Your all-Cheeto diet may sound great in theory, but cheese starts to fester after a while between those beautiful unbrushed gums of yours. Panting heavily from the mouth will give these odors free access into the air, and may cause discomfort to those around you. A few quick inhale/exhale nasal exercises, and you'll be the most considerate and less creepy person in your very small circle of friends!
-DISCOVER THE OUTDOORS. Your computer might run on an operating system called Windows. Fun fact: the Windows OS was named for special panes of glass outfitted on the sides of buildings and structures, which can be opened to allow the flow of fresh air. A similar implementation known as doors can be pulled open wide enough for human beings (even ones as wide as yourself!) to access areas outside of the house/apartment. You might even see some direct sunlight! But careful: you'll peel.
-LEARN WHAT A 'SALAD' IS. As hilariously strange as it may sound, a Snickers bar and two bottles of Mountain Dew Code Red do not equal a healthy, square meal! I know, right?! I was shocked, too! But from what I hear, a quick "salad" (a medley of random vegetables tossed together in a bowl like a variety of your favourite rock songs mixed into an iPod Shuffle) and some strips of "chicken" (the real kind, not the nuggets McDonald's sells) not only taste fantastic, but they can do wonders for your waistline! Plus, before you know it, those red marks on your face and back and stomach and chest and neck will clear right up!
-PURCHASE SOME DEODORANT FROM YOUR LOCAL DRUGSTORE. Did you know that deodorant smells fantastic? And there are dozens of different scents to choose from, too! Don't like "Icy Blast"? No problem. You can get "Fresh Spring" or "Mint Ice" instead! After discovering, removing, and eating that piece of beef jerky you've had under your arm for three weeks, you'll want something to freshen up that area, and deodorant is quick and easy! It will also make the "Breathing Through Your Nose" process a lot more tolerable!
-START A RELATIONSHIP. You could meet a lovely girl in person somewhere and strike up an intelligent conversation about haaaahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Next.
-TAKE A HIGH-SCHOOL ENGLISH COURSE. Expand your vocabulary to include words other than "macro" and "html"! Not many people are going to be fooled if you send them an e-mail from one of their hacked friends' accounts that says "I can makk monee 4 you teh $avings it nice pleasz helllp." One quick seminar, and you'll be conjugating verbs like the pros do! It's quick, easy, and beneficial! Or better yet, use those vast, superior computer skills of yours and learn how to use Spell Check, for Christ's sake! I mean, what are you, a retard?!
I'm not a famous person. I'm not a rich person. I don't have access to exclusive information. On top of it all, I don't know anyone who is rich, famous, or has access to exclusive information. Therefore, there are absolutely ZERO (0) reasons anyone could possibly have to hack into my personal e-mails and start dicking around. Which obviously leaves only one possible explanation for your actions: you're a genuine, bona fide moron whose mind, body, and soul are so scarily identical to those of Jabba the Hutt that I wouldn't be surprised if a Kowakian Monkey-Lizard sits at your feet and hoots with obnoxious laughter every time you press Enter on that lifeline you call a keyboard!
So, thank you! Thank you for hacking into my account and annoying all of my friends as well as myself! Thank you for being a greasy troll who contributes absolutely nothing to society! Thank you for making Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons look like James freaking Bond by comparison! But most of all, thank you for being you! You're special, despite everything your cyber-contacts say about you! You may not be handsome, talented, smart, hygienic, dependable, likable, friendly, or wanted...but at least you're good with computers!
01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101
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