Sunday, April 22, 2012


I received a series of messages from friends and co-workers today telling me that my e-mail has been hacked. They could tell because they received strange e-mails from someone claiming to be "Me" with tips on switching long distance providers and enlarging your penis naturally. I of course have no knowledge on either subject, so, naturally, the messages were sent by an anonymous hacker who somehow wormed his way into my e-mail account. I apologize to any of my friends who genuinely believed the hacked subject lines claiming that I could have "SaveZ them big money $$$ on the Cars insurance yes".

In light of this recent event, I decided that at the end of the day this whole issue would make a great topic for this week's TQM post. So I'm dedicating this post to that special group of people who dominate many of the more sunlight-deprived corners of our society, that wonderful team of worthless wonders who make the world wide web as wild n' wacky as it is.

Hackers...this one's for you. :)

It must have been a slow, boring day in the sweaty little corner of your mother's basement that you call home, because you spent a lot of time hacking into my account and now have nothing to show for it. I'd hate to think that you're whiling away your precious, precious time on jerks like me whose accounts have nothing good to offer. So to help you guys out, I've compiled a small list of things that you could do that would be a much more productive use of your time. I would have sent this all to you via e-mail, but I'm sure you'll bust your way into it on your own sooner or later! Enjoy!

-LEARN TO BREATHE THROUGH YOUR NOSE. Your all-Cheeto diet may sound great in theory, but cheese starts to fester after a while between those beautiful unbrushed gums of yours. Panting heavily from the mouth will give these odors free access into the air, and may cause discomfort to those around you. A few quick inhale/exhale nasal exercises, and you'll be the most considerate and less creepy person in your very small circle of friends!

-DISCOVER THE OUTDOORS. Your computer might run on an operating system called Windows. Fun fact: the Windows OS was named for special panes of glass outfitted on the sides of buildings and structures, which can be opened to allow the flow of fresh air. A similar implementation known as doors can be pulled open wide enough for human beings (even ones as wide as yourself!) to access areas outside of the house/apartment. You might even see some direct sunlight! But careful: you'll peel.

-LEARN WHAT A 'SALAD' IS. As hilariously strange as it may sound, a Snickers bar and two bottles of Mountain Dew Code Red do not equal a healthy, square meal! I know, right?! I was shocked, too! But from what I hear, a quick "salad" (a medley of random vegetables tossed together in a bowl like a variety of your favourite rock songs mixed into an iPod Shuffle) and some strips of "chicken" (the real kind, not the nuggets McDonald's sells) not only taste fantastic, but they can do wonders for your waistline! Plus, before you know it, those red marks on your face and back and stomach and chest and neck will clear right up!

-PURCHASE SOME DEODORANT FROM YOUR LOCAL DRUGSTORE. Did you know that deodorant smells fantastic? And there are dozens of different scents to choose from, too! Don't like "Icy Blast"? No problem. You can get "Fresh Spring" or "Mint Ice" instead! After discovering, removing, and eating that piece of beef jerky you've had under your arm for three weeks, you'll want something to freshen up that area, and deodorant is quick and easy! It will also make the "Breathing Through Your Nose" process a lot more tolerable!

-START A RELATIONSHIP. You could meet a lovely girl in person somewhere and strike up an intelligent conversation about haaaahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Next.

-TAKE A HIGH-SCHOOL ENGLISH COURSE. Expand your vocabulary to include words other than "macro" and "html"! Not many people are going to be fooled if you send them an e-mail from one of their hacked friends' accounts that says "I can makk monee 4 you teh $avings it nice pleasz helllp." One quick seminar, and you'll be conjugating verbs like the pros do! It's quick, easy, and beneficial! Or better yet, use those vast, superior computer skills of yours and learn how to use Spell Check, for Christ's sake! I mean, what are you, a retard?!

I'm not a famous person. I'm not a rich person. I don't have access to exclusive information. On top of it all, I don't know anyone who is rich, famous, or has access to exclusive information. Therefore, there are absolutely ZERO (0) reasons anyone could possibly have to hack into my personal e-mails and start dicking around. Which obviously leaves only one possible explanation for your actions: you're a genuine, bona fide moron whose mind, body, and soul are so scarily identical to those of Jabba the Hutt that I wouldn't be surprised if a Kowakian Monkey-Lizard sits at your feet and hoots with obnoxious laughter every time you press Enter on that lifeline you call a keyboard!

So, thank you! Thank you for hacking into my account and annoying all of my friends as well as myself! Thank you for being a greasy troll who contributes absolutely nothing to society! Thank you for making Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons look like James freaking Bond by comparison! But most of all, thank you for being you! You're special, despite everything your cyber-contacts say about you! You may not be handsome, talented, smart, hygienic, dependable, likable, friendly, or wanted...but at least you're good with computers!

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