Sunday, June 10, 2012

Much E3 About Nothing

Well, E3 has come and gone, I've spent the past several days basking in its aftermath. For those who are a smidge out of the loop, E3 is the Electronic Entertainment Expo, in which a series of press conferences are held showcasing the coming attractions of the video game industry for the following nine or ten months. This year, a whole ginormous crop of new games got revealed, and it has this fanboy's panties in a twist with veritable excitement.

Although I risk making myself sound like EVERY other Joe out there with a keyboard and a ranting blog, I'd like to spend this week's entry geeking out about some of the titles that looked great (and some that looked not-so-great). I'll talk about how I feel about them, and what kind of impact their reveals left on me. But of course, this is The Question Mark, and I'm nothing if not a rebellious pioneer with a handsome, chiseled jaw and an available evening this coming Friday if any ladies out there are looking for a good time! So, instead of ranting and rambling on in a sea of typos and poor grammar (I'm looking at YOU, rest of the Internet), I'll talk about these upcoming games in iambic pentameter, the way Shakespeare intended.

NEW SUPER MARIO BROS. U

The sequel to the game on Wii we love,
Except on a whole new system this time.
The standard fare: get coins from blocks above.
It's all the same, but hey, is that a crime?!

LUIGI'S MANSION: DARK MOON

It sounds like a Transformers film, I know.
But this might end up being lots of fun!
I like Luigi more than Mario.
He's the George Harrison: "The Quiet One".
You're catching ghosts, that's all that I have seen.
Like Peter Venkman! Only, you know, green.

SOUTH PARK: THE STICK OF TRUTH

The South Park kids are in an RPG!
Will it be weird? You bet your ass it will.
We'll grind some levels with profanity!
Ten bucks says halfway through, Kenny gets killed.

PLAYSTATION ALL-STARS BATTLE ROYALE

The Sony answer to the Super Smash.
It's kind of shameless how close these two are.
Who'd want to play as Nathan Drake or Crash?
One of Sony's silliest moves by far.
But maybe it'll work? I hope it will.
So Sony geeks (all two of us out there)
can answer the question that's plagued us ill:
Who'd win? Kratos' scowl, or Nathan's hair?

PAPER MARIO: STICKER STAR

The first half of this title sounds A-plus!
A fourth Paper Mario? That sounds great!
But then the second half gets D-minus.
The sticker thing, I've gotta say, I hate.
But hey, let's not be rash, let's let it be!
Nintendo's pulled off wacky shit before!
Yarn seemed to work pretty well for Kirby.
If this is bad, at least the first three score.

STAR WARS 1313

Uncharted was an awesome game, no doubt.
Star Wars is taking pages from its book.
The veins of Nathan Drake all run throughout.
(At least that's how the too-short footage looked).

WATCH_DOGS

Ubisoft, you guys blew my mind away
When you showed footage from your new IP.
All of that sexiness was IN-gameplay!
Take all my money, please. And marry me.

ASSASSIN'S CREED III

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I really want to play!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Requiescat in Pace.

Exit, pursued by an Orc.