Have you ever watched a movie or a TV show that you really, really liked? Probably. At least, I hope you have. If you're only watching things that you DON'T enjoy, then the terrorists have already won, haven't they? Now, have you ever watched a movie or TV show that you really, really liked and thought, "Man, that was great, BUT...I wish they'd done so-and-so differently instead"?
If you answered yes to the question above, then you'll know exactly how I feel going into this blog post. I recently took in the new Disney movie, Frozen, and I'm happy to say that it was mega-awesome (I'd make some kind of pun about the movie being "cool", but some sins are just unforgivable, folks). It was a stellar, well-rounded, beautifully-animated feature that harkened back to the glory days of Aladdin or Beauty & the Beast, when Disney was the reigning champion of cartoons everywhere and our childhoods were rife with plush Abus and "Under The Sea" sing-along cassette tapes. But, having said that, there was one part of Frozen that totally fell flat for me, and that was the way it ended. Well, lo and behold, a few days after watching it, I came up with an idea for how it SHOULD have ended that is so maddeningly better than the ending they actually used that it makes me grind my teeth to think that I'm not working for Disney right now.
I'll tell you what it is, but f you want to fully appreciate the ending I came up with, you'd best see the movie first. Needless to say, what I'm about to tell you is gonna be deep in the heart of spoiler territory. So if you haven't watched Frozen yet, watch it: It's great. Watch it, then come back here and finish reading this. And if you HAVE seen it, then settle in, grab some popcorn, and let me regale you with how this one humble writer thinks Frozen SHOULD have ended.
And if anyone from the Walt Disney animated studios happens to be reading this: I'm available. I'm very, very available. And my last name is Fantasia, for crying out loud, I'm practically gift-wrapped for you.
XXXXXXXXX SPOILERS FOR FROZEN AHEAD XXXXXXXXX
Okay, boys & girls. So, at the end of the movie, Elsa (our ice-slinging anti-heroine) is accepted by the townsfolk of Arendelle. Her sister, Anna, shares a first kiss with her new hubby, Kristoff. Then we pan away from the castle, a snowflake glitters in the foreground, and that's about it. Cut to credits.
Well, in the ending I came up with, we get one final scene after all of that. It's the middle of the night. Anna is lying in bed. The door to her room opens, and Elsa tiptoes inside. She sits on the edge of the bed, leans in, and sings one line of dialogue in a soft voice:
"Do you want to build a snowman?"
Anna smiles and opens her eyes. Cut to black. The end.
I just think this would be such a sweet, beautiful way for the girls to come full circle. Frozen is, after all, their story. It's not the typical princess romp that revolves solely around finding true love, heck no. It's a tale of a broken family, and the two sisters left to pick up the pieces and try to salvage what's left of their childhood. Ever since accidentally hurting her younger sister at the beginning of the film, Elsa has shut herself away from life. She stopped having fun. She stopped showing emotion. She stopped living, in a sense. As kids, it was always Anna who would approach her for nighttime adventures like building snowmen and ice skating in the castle ballroom. So to have ELSA be the one to instigate that -to have her rouse Anna on a quiet night so that the sisters can have fun and enjoy one another's company -is a perfect way for her character arc to complete itself. I honestly can't imagine how Elsa's story could have ended any other way. It would have been a beautiful close to an absolutely wonderful movie.
Agree? Disagree? Feel free to share. And if you DO work for Disney, like I said: Very. Very. Available.
Stay cool (sorry, I just couldn't resist that time).
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Friday, January 24, 2014
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Canon in D Major
Something has come up in the nerdia world of late, something potent enough to make me get off my lazy behind and write another TQM post. Sorry it's been so long since the last one, but I've been busy teaming up with Corey Feldman and Jennifer Love-Hewitt to save the president from space-pirates. That was a thing that happened.
Anyhoo, the big brouhaha in the news lately seems to revolve around the demise of one of video gaming's most trailblazing development companies, LucasArts. Since it was a subsidiary of LucasFilm, LucasArts became property of Disney during their acquisition of the company in October of last year. When Disney announced the other day that it was shutting down LucasArts and cancelling some of the titles the game developers had currently been working on, some fans (kind of understandably) had a bit of a spot of bother with the whole situation.
But what's REALLY getting people riled up is the fact that -since Mickey Mouse is now effectively emperor of the Star Wars sandbox -other properties related to the films' Expanded Universe, or EU (i.e. comic books, novels, video games, etc., anything related to the movies but NOT the movies themselves) will also be stricken from the record.
But you know what, fellow sexy Star Wars disciples? This doesn't really bother me. And it shouldn't really bother you, either. Here's why.
LucasArts was a company. Companies can appear and disappear at the drop of hat. They can exist one moment and be gone the next. All those Star Wars-related books and video games, however...you can't UNmake them. They've been made. They exist. They're filling out our bookshelves and gracing our TV screens and embedded in our collective subconscious. If you liked them, then you have nothing to worry about; they'll always be there.
But that's not what most fans are concerned about, is it? No, what most fans are concerned about is that Disney's new films and projects will render previous EU material non-canon. For those of you aren't fluent in Geekish, non-canon is a fancy word that describes something that is related to or set within a fictional storyline that isn't actually an official part of that storyline at all. For example, I bet everybody has heard of Twilight, right? Well, let's say I read the first Twilight book, then I sat down and wrote a 4,000-page story featuring Edward, Bella, and Jacob teaming up to fight space-pirates with Corey Feldman. What I wrote is 100% related to Twilight. It takes place in the Twilight universe. It features all of the characters and settings. But it's not officially part of the Twilight story. Ergo, it is non-canon. But a year later, Stephanie Meyer releases New Moon, the official sequel to Twilight. New Moon, therefore, is canon. (Although, one couldn't help but make the argument that MY story would have been a million times more erotic and awesome. Just sayin')
There are probably something like 500 books that have been published telling the stories of what happens to Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Princess Leia after the events of Return of the Jedi. And fans are upset because they believe that after all these years, those stories will be rendered obsolete by whatever movies Disney makes. The Disney movies (being actual, official Star Wars movies) will replace all of those other stories as the Star Wars canon.
But I'm here today to tell all those fans that they literally have nothing to be upset about. Because all of those Expanded Universe novels and comic books and video games and lunchboxes NEVER WERE CANON TO BEGIN WITH.
You heard me right, fanboy brethren. None of that stuff is or ever was officially canon, at least not in the sense we've been discussing so far. Heir to the Empire takes place in the Star Wars universe. It's a great book. A lot of people read it. But Timothy Zahn (the gentleman who penned it) is no different from me writing my masterpiece about Edward, Bella, Corey, and the space-pirates from beyond the Moon. Timothy Zahn is just like us: he's a Star Wars fan who loved the movies so much he created his own fantasies about what would happen next. The only difference is, he has some pull with publishing companies and whatnot and managed to sell his fantasies for a considerably impressive profit. And if we all had his writing skill, we probably would have, too. Knights of the Old Republic takes place in the Star Wars universe. It's a great game. A lot of people played it. But aside from being developed by an offshoot of George Lucas' own company, it still just came to life because a bunch of hardcore fans wanted to create a cool new experience in the galaxy we're all so familiar and in love with.
All Expanded Universe Star Wars media is, in essence, fan-fiction with a budget.
That's not to say that I'm undermining all of that work or questioning its quality. Just the opposite. Some of the best Star Wars stuff out there comes from these games and TV shows. The Clone Wars cartoon is actually so well-written and complex that some of its episodes put all six movies to shame. But at the end of the day, it comes down to one guy creating an original piece of material, and everybody loving the material to such an extent that they use it as fuel for their own creative endeavors. If you so much as played with Star Wars action figures as a kid, you were creating Expanded Universe stories.
What I'm suggesting here is that if we love Star Wars as much as we claim we do, then at the end of the day, canon is all relative, isn't it? Who's to say that the events of the novel Heir to the Empire and the events of the upcoming Episode VII aren't both canon, simply taking place in universes/timelines parallel from one another? I don't think any sci-fi fan on the planet is averse to the idea of alternate universes, if Star Trek, Back to the Future, Fringe, LOST, Doctor Who, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Legend of Zelda, Assassin's Creed, Futurama, Stargate, He-Man & the Masters of the Universe, and every single comic book ever made EVER are any indication. If you absolutely adored Heir to the Empire and end up wholly detesting Episode VII with every fiber of your being, then who is Disney to dictate what is or isn't your own personal canon? In your eyes, the events of Heir to the Empire are what REALLY happened to the heroes of the Rebel Alliance after the fall of the Empire, and Episode VII was just some crappy parallel universe "what-if" storyline that never really appealed to you. And vice versa. Just like how in my eyes, Edward and Bella never ended up as a couple; instead, Bella fell head-over-heels in love with Corey Feldman and his dreamy brown eyes, while a bitter Edward joined the crew of the S.S. Scallywag and became a (literally) bloodthirsty space-pirate who sailed the seven galaxies in search of treasure and debauchery until being defeated in single combat by a time-traveling dinosaur with a fancy mustache. That shit is my canon.
Anyhoo, the big brouhaha in the news lately seems to revolve around the demise of one of video gaming's most trailblazing development companies, LucasArts. Since it was a subsidiary of LucasFilm, LucasArts became property of Disney during their acquisition of the company in October of last year. When Disney announced the other day that it was shutting down LucasArts and cancelling some of the titles the game developers had currently been working on, some fans (kind of understandably) had a bit of a spot of bother with the whole situation.
But what's REALLY getting people riled up is the fact that -since Mickey Mouse is now effectively emperor of the Star Wars sandbox -other properties related to the films' Expanded Universe, or EU (i.e. comic books, novels, video games, etc., anything related to the movies but NOT the movies themselves) will also be stricken from the record.
But you know what, fellow sexy Star Wars disciples? This doesn't really bother me. And it shouldn't really bother you, either. Here's why.
LucasArts was a company. Companies can appear and disappear at the drop of hat. They can exist one moment and be gone the next. All those Star Wars-related books and video games, however...you can't UNmake them. They've been made. They exist. They're filling out our bookshelves and gracing our TV screens and embedded in our collective subconscious. If you liked them, then you have nothing to worry about; they'll always be there.
But that's not what most fans are concerned about, is it? No, what most fans are concerned about is that Disney's new films and projects will render previous EU material non-canon. For those of you aren't fluent in Geekish, non-canon is a fancy word that describes something that is related to or set within a fictional storyline that isn't actually an official part of that storyline at all. For example, I bet everybody has heard of Twilight, right? Well, let's say I read the first Twilight book, then I sat down and wrote a 4,000-page story featuring Edward, Bella, and Jacob teaming up to fight space-pirates with Corey Feldman. What I wrote is 100% related to Twilight. It takes place in the Twilight universe. It features all of the characters and settings. But it's not officially part of the Twilight story. Ergo, it is non-canon. But a year later, Stephanie Meyer releases New Moon, the official sequel to Twilight. New Moon, therefore, is canon. (Although, one couldn't help but make the argument that MY story would have been a million times more erotic and awesome. Just sayin')
There are probably something like 500 books that have been published telling the stories of what happens to Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Princess Leia after the events of Return of the Jedi. And fans are upset because they believe that after all these years, those stories will be rendered obsolete by whatever movies Disney makes. The Disney movies (being actual, official Star Wars movies) will replace all of those other stories as the Star Wars canon.
But I'm here today to tell all those fans that they literally have nothing to be upset about. Because all of those Expanded Universe novels and comic books and video games and lunchboxes NEVER WERE CANON TO BEGIN WITH.
You heard me right, fanboy brethren. None of that stuff is or ever was officially canon, at least not in the sense we've been discussing so far. Heir to the Empire takes place in the Star Wars universe. It's a great book. A lot of people read it. But Timothy Zahn (the gentleman who penned it) is no different from me writing my masterpiece about Edward, Bella, Corey, and the space-pirates from beyond the Moon. Timothy Zahn is just like us: he's a Star Wars fan who loved the movies so much he created his own fantasies about what would happen next. The only difference is, he has some pull with publishing companies and whatnot and managed to sell his fantasies for a considerably impressive profit. And if we all had his writing skill, we probably would have, too. Knights of the Old Republic takes place in the Star Wars universe. It's a great game. A lot of people played it. But aside from being developed by an offshoot of George Lucas' own company, it still just came to life because a bunch of hardcore fans wanted to create a cool new experience in the galaxy we're all so familiar and in love with.
All Expanded Universe Star Wars media is, in essence, fan-fiction with a budget.
That's not to say that I'm undermining all of that work or questioning its quality. Just the opposite. Some of the best Star Wars stuff out there comes from these games and TV shows. The Clone Wars cartoon is actually so well-written and complex that some of its episodes put all six movies to shame. But at the end of the day, it comes down to one guy creating an original piece of material, and everybody loving the material to such an extent that they use it as fuel for their own creative endeavors. If you so much as played with Star Wars action figures as a kid, you were creating Expanded Universe stories.
What I'm suggesting here is that if we love Star Wars as much as we claim we do, then at the end of the day, canon is all relative, isn't it? Who's to say that the events of the novel Heir to the Empire and the events of the upcoming Episode VII aren't both canon, simply taking place in universes/timelines parallel from one another? I don't think any sci-fi fan on the planet is averse to the idea of alternate universes, if Star Trek, Back to the Future, Fringe, LOST, Doctor Who, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Legend of Zelda, Assassin's Creed, Futurama, Stargate, He-Man & the Masters of the Universe, and every single comic book ever made EVER are any indication. If you absolutely adored Heir to the Empire and end up wholly detesting Episode VII with every fiber of your being, then who is Disney to dictate what is or isn't your own personal canon? In your eyes, the events of Heir to the Empire are what REALLY happened to the heroes of the Rebel Alliance after the fall of the Empire, and Episode VII was just some crappy parallel universe "what-if" storyline that never really appealed to you. And vice versa. Just like how in my eyes, Edward and Bella never ended up as a couple; instead, Bella fell head-over-heels in love with Corey Feldman and his dreamy brown eyes, while a bitter Edward joined the crew of the S.S. Scallywag and became a (literally) bloodthirsty space-pirate who sailed the seven galaxies in search of treasure and debauchery until being defeated in single combat by a time-traveling dinosaur with a fancy mustache. That shit is my canon.
Friday, November 9, 2012
War Song
I'm still a bit too excited and edgy to come up with a clever, biting opening to this article. So, if it's okay with you beautiful people, I'mma skip the formal intros and get right to the main course, because I've got a lot to say about this one. Cool? Cool.
So. Star Wars.
Yup, we're going there.
Anyone who knows me in person knows that Star Wars is to me what Tyra Banks was to Will Smith circa 1992...i.e. I know too much about it for my own good and it's pretty much the only thing I ever talk about. I'm the quintessential Star Wars nut: I love all the movies, I've got about thirty Hasbro action figures, I've read a bunch of the expanded universe novels, and I've got about six different visual dictionaries on the subject. You know that alien band that's playing in the bar in A New Hope? Well, I'm such a detail-obsessed wackjob that I can tell you what that band's name is and what planet they come from. (If you really have to know, they're called Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes, and their species [the Bith] come from Clak'Dor VII. One of the instruments they play is called an "omni box". What else do you wanna know, ladies?). Yeah, I'm one of those guys. But I like to think that what differentiates me from the more creepy, hygienically-impaired members of the nerd society is that I obsess because I LOVE, not because I like to nitpick about things on internet chat rooms or show off my "skillz" to impress Goth chicks.
So, naturally, when I joined the rest of the world last week in discovering that Disney bought out LucasFilm and plans on making at least three more Star Wars movies, I went through a variety of confusing (and sometimes arousing, but we won't go there) emotions in a very condensed period of time. Face it, Star Wars is my lifeblood: sure, I'm also a huge fan of superhero movies, Lord of the Rings, LOST, Harry Potter, Joss Whedon, The Simpsons, Assassin's Creed, Pixar, Nintendo, and other nerdia (which is a word I just made up that means "nerd-media"), but Star Wars is the king. The Mac Daddy. It trumps them all. It was the first true fanboy experience that any of us had. If being a fanboy was a religion, Star Wars wouldn't just be the Book of Genesis: it'd be the entire goddamned Old Testament. And maybe the Letters to the Corinthians, too,
I wanted this TQM post to be about my personal thoughts on this revelation. And to be honest, it's still kind of hard to put it into words. Am I excited? Sure I am! I mean, George Lucas had mentioned toying with the idea of doing sequels to Return of the Jedi in the past, but we long ago dismissed those as the mere ramblings of a crazy old flannel-man, and George stated very firmly that the prequels would be the final installments in the film series. So to find out now that we're going to see a multitude of new Star Wars movies...well, it's a little bit surreal. It feels like a false rumor, or a cruel practical joke...until you find out that it isn't.
I am a bit saddened, though, that the series will no longer be part of the LucasFilm family. Disney, it seems, won't be content until they own everything, everywhere. They already locked down Pixar and Marvel Comics, and now they've added Star Wars to that list. I wouldn't be surprised if next year we'll be hearing that Disney has just spent $8.03 billion to purchase the rights to coffee. Not a coffee franchise; just coffee, period. And every time anyone buys a cup of coffee or roasts a coffee bean anywhere in the world, Mickey Mouse will reap the benefits somehow. And the year after that, it'll be doors. Wanna have a front door to your house? Not until Disney gets their cut, chump.
I'm in the middle of a little love-hate spat with Disney right now, because -in my opinion -they've been slacking. They made Hercules, then they made nothing good after that. For a long time. And then they just bought out everybody who was making good things and rode their long coattails all the way to the bank. If you were to ask me, the only worthy piece of entertainment Disney put out themselves after Hercules was Pirates of the Caribbean. It's kinda sad that the company who led the world in family entertainment back in the early nineties spends the present just sitting back getting fat while Pixar, Marvel, and (now) LucasFilm do all the hard work. But that's a matter for a whole other blog post entirely. If you ask me, Star Wars won't be quite the same without hearing that 20th Century Fox theme before the opening titles. :(
But other than that...yeah, I'm pretty optimistic! There's obviously a lot that could go wrong, but that can be said for any movie. There's also plenty more that could go right, and that's what I'm looking forward to. I'm just curious as to what the hell these new movies could possibly be about! I mean, the current 6-film saga is about Darth Vader: his childhood, youth, descent into darkness, and redemption. Now he's dead, his son Luke (SPOILERS!) has forgiven him for his injustices, the Empire is defeated, and all is right with the galaxy. For the first time in a long time, there's peace. And call me crazy, but the idea of watching Star Peace just doesn't have the same appeal. I'm sure a clever enough writer can come up with something intriguing enough to spawn a whole new series, but until then we can only speculate. And if they're hard-pressed for said writers...I'll do it. For free. Come on, Disney, you're lookin' at a free lunch here!
Though as long as we're on the subject, here are my two cents:
HAVE FUN WITH IT, PLEASE.
Whatever you do, Disney, please DON'T jump on the 21st-century bandwagon and make a hard-boiled, gritty, Star Wars Begins where Han and Leia's badass son is played by Jason Statham, and everyone wears black trenchcoats, and lightsaber blades only come in silver now because primary colours aren't hardcore enough for today's modern audiences. Just remember what made the original six movies so magical and expand upon that in every way possible.If you're going to try to be edgy and gritty, then you're not making a Star Wars movie; you're just making some other shitty movie and calling it Star Wars. Just be kids again. Design cool-looking spaceships and take us to awesome planets and introduce us to likeable characters who pilot imaginative land, sea, and air vehicles. The beauty of Star Wars is that its limitations are only defined by your own. So don't squander that opportunity, Disney, or I'm throwing away my Junior Mouseketeers membership for good.
I'm no whiny, squealing complainer...I'm not going to demand that you include Boba Fett or a cloned Emperor or anything like that. I'm putting my faith in you, creators of the new films. In 2015, I hope you pleasantly surprise me. There's only one thing I can think of that you really, really need to consider putting into these movies, only one thing that is absolutely irreplaceable: John Williams. In this humble writer's opinion, without Mr. Williams behind the conductor's baton, it just wouldn't be Star Wars.
P.S.- "Nerdia": copyright Andrew Fantasia, 2012, by the way. Just sayin'.
So. Star Wars.
Yup, we're going there.
Anyone who knows me in person knows that Star Wars is to me what Tyra Banks was to Will Smith circa 1992...i.e. I know too much about it for my own good and it's pretty much the only thing I ever talk about. I'm the quintessential Star Wars nut: I love all the movies, I've got about thirty Hasbro action figures, I've read a bunch of the expanded universe novels, and I've got about six different visual dictionaries on the subject. You know that alien band that's playing in the bar in A New Hope? Well, I'm such a detail-obsessed wackjob that I can tell you what that band's name is and what planet they come from. (If you really have to know, they're called Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes, and their species [the Bith] come from Clak'Dor VII. One of the instruments they play is called an "omni box". What else do you wanna know, ladies?). Yeah, I'm one of those guys. But I like to think that what differentiates me from the more creepy, hygienically-impaired members of the nerd society is that I obsess because I LOVE, not because I like to nitpick about things on internet chat rooms or show off my "skillz" to impress Goth chicks.
So, naturally, when I joined the rest of the world last week in discovering that Disney bought out LucasFilm and plans on making at least three more Star Wars movies, I went through a variety of confusing (and sometimes arousing, but we won't go there) emotions in a very condensed period of time. Face it, Star Wars is my lifeblood: sure, I'm also a huge fan of superhero movies, Lord of the Rings, LOST, Harry Potter, Joss Whedon, The Simpsons, Assassin's Creed, Pixar, Nintendo, and other nerdia (which is a word I just made up that means "nerd-media"), but Star Wars is the king. The Mac Daddy. It trumps them all. It was the first true fanboy experience that any of us had. If being a fanboy was a religion, Star Wars wouldn't just be the Book of Genesis: it'd be the entire goddamned Old Testament. And maybe the Letters to the Corinthians, too,
I wanted this TQM post to be about my personal thoughts on this revelation. And to be honest, it's still kind of hard to put it into words. Am I excited? Sure I am! I mean, George Lucas had mentioned toying with the idea of doing sequels to Return of the Jedi in the past, but we long ago dismissed those as the mere ramblings of a crazy old flannel-man, and George stated very firmly that the prequels would be the final installments in the film series. So to find out now that we're going to see a multitude of new Star Wars movies...well, it's a little bit surreal. It feels like a false rumor, or a cruel practical joke...until you find out that it isn't.
I am a bit saddened, though, that the series will no longer be part of the LucasFilm family. Disney, it seems, won't be content until they own everything, everywhere. They already locked down Pixar and Marvel Comics, and now they've added Star Wars to that list. I wouldn't be surprised if next year we'll be hearing that Disney has just spent $8.03 billion to purchase the rights to coffee. Not a coffee franchise; just coffee, period. And every time anyone buys a cup of coffee or roasts a coffee bean anywhere in the world, Mickey Mouse will reap the benefits somehow. And the year after that, it'll be doors. Wanna have a front door to your house? Not until Disney gets their cut, chump.
I'm in the middle of a little love-hate spat with Disney right now, because -in my opinion -they've been slacking. They made Hercules, then they made nothing good after that. For a long time. And then they just bought out everybody who was making good things and rode their long coattails all the way to the bank. If you were to ask me, the only worthy piece of entertainment Disney put out themselves after Hercules was Pirates of the Caribbean. It's kinda sad that the company who led the world in family entertainment back in the early nineties spends the present just sitting back getting fat while Pixar, Marvel, and (now) LucasFilm do all the hard work. But that's a matter for a whole other blog post entirely. If you ask me, Star Wars won't be quite the same without hearing that 20th Century Fox theme before the opening titles. :(
But other than that...yeah, I'm pretty optimistic! There's obviously a lot that could go wrong, but that can be said for any movie. There's also plenty more that could go right, and that's what I'm looking forward to. I'm just curious as to what the hell these new movies could possibly be about! I mean, the current 6-film saga is about Darth Vader: his childhood, youth, descent into darkness, and redemption. Now he's dead, his son Luke (SPOILERS!) has forgiven him for his injustices, the Empire is defeated, and all is right with the galaxy. For the first time in a long time, there's peace. And call me crazy, but the idea of watching Star Peace just doesn't have the same appeal. I'm sure a clever enough writer can come up with something intriguing enough to spawn a whole new series, but until then we can only speculate. And if they're hard-pressed for said writers...I'll do it. For free. Come on, Disney, you're lookin' at a free lunch here!
Though as long as we're on the subject, here are my two cents:
HAVE FUN WITH IT, PLEASE.
Whatever you do, Disney, please DON'T jump on the 21st-century bandwagon and make a hard-boiled, gritty, Star Wars Begins where Han and Leia's badass son is played by Jason Statham, and everyone wears black trenchcoats, and lightsaber blades only come in silver now because primary colours aren't hardcore enough for today's modern audiences. Just remember what made the original six movies so magical and expand upon that in every way possible.If you're going to try to be edgy and gritty, then you're not making a Star Wars movie; you're just making some other shitty movie and calling it Star Wars. Just be kids again. Design cool-looking spaceships and take us to awesome planets and introduce us to likeable characters who pilot imaginative land, sea, and air vehicles. The beauty of Star Wars is that its limitations are only defined by your own. So don't squander that opportunity, Disney, or I'm throwing away my Junior Mouseketeers membership for good.
I'm no whiny, squealing complainer...I'm not going to demand that you include Boba Fett or a cloned Emperor or anything like that. I'm putting my faith in you, creators of the new films. In 2015, I hope you pleasantly surprise me. There's only one thing I can think of that you really, really need to consider putting into these movies, only one thing that is absolutely irreplaceable: John Williams. In this humble writer's opinion, without Mr. Williams behind the conductor's baton, it just wouldn't be Star Wars.
P.S.- "Nerdia": copyright Andrew Fantasia, 2012, by the way. Just sayin'.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Exhibit E
They say that he who lives in the past is doomed to miss out on the future. That's all well and good, but if the future of action cinema is going to be Andrew Garfield skateboarding through New York and moping about his parents, then you'll forgive me if I continue to look backwards.
And what better way to look backwards than with this summer's heaping helping of nostalgic macho goodness that is The Expendables 2? Oddly enough, upon stepping out of the theater, I came to a funny realization. In a year that gave us The Avengers and The Amazing Spider-Man and Brave and ParaNorman and Madagascar 3, I stand to reason that The Expendables 2 is still the most kid-friendly movie of 2012.
If you're done laughing and shouting out loud to your computer screen that it's the most violent movie of the year and that I'm some kind of idiot for making such a claim, lemme try to explain myself here. Yes, E2 has a lot of action and a lot of violence. It's also got some healthy doses of blood, gore, explosions, and light profanity. But you know what? It's also a TON of fun! Nostalgia aside, let's pretend we haven't been waiting for this on-screen team-up for 30 years and try to get into the mindset of, say, an 8-year-old boy. This would be his favourite movie. There are big explosions, loud guns, tanks blasting shit to pieces, wacky characters spouting funny one-liners, good guys who act really heroic, bad guys who act really nasty, and generally a lot of ass-kicking and subsequent name-taking. This is exactly, to the letter, the kind of stuff 8-year-old boys love. Want proof? Just watch an 8-year-old boy play with his action figures for five minutes. The stuff he'll come up with could be ripped from the pages of any Expendables script.
There are themes in cinema that are not appropriate for young audiences, but I don't think E2 had any of them. There are no F-words, no adult themes, no heavy emotional duress. There's hardly even a mention of sex (the general consensus the movie puts forward, in fact, seems to be that girls are icky, unless they're cool and tough like the boys are). There's nothing in here that an adult would have to explain to an inquisitive kid. And yet I saw no children in the audience for The Expendables 2. Instead, I saw all of the children seated in the theater for The Dark Knight Rises, a movie that features (among other things): sex, partial nudity, numerous adult themes, the death of heroic characters, stock market jargon, frightening images, a bus full of little orphans about to be blown up by an atomic bomb, and corporate espionage. You know, for kids! Hey, parents, when you take your little ones to a movie, here's a hint: do some fucking research first. Just because Batman is on the poster doesn't mean it's going be a magical ride of smiles & rainbows.
On that note, The Expendables 2 is also a perfect movie for adults. We are, after all, the target demographic here. Everybody who's been waiting for these actors to blow shit up onscreen since the 1980s will finally get their wish granted. The first movie was a little more tame and light on the fan-service, but this one doesn't pull any punches. If somebody told me 25 years ago that one day I'd get to see Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger team up to fight a bunch of soldiers who were working for Jean-Claude Van Damme, I'd have probably peed my pants with glee. Heck, I almost peed my pants with glee yesterday when I watched the damn thing happen. There's something euphoric about seeing all of these heroes in one movie; The Expendables 2 is for action cinema what The Avengers was for comic books. Going back to the 8-year-old playing with action figures example, it reminds me of exactly that: anyone who's played with action figures in their youth knows how cool it was to team up a Ninja Turtle with a Spider-Man villain and make them fight a battle against Optimus Prime and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Your imagination was the limit. That's how E2 felt.
You know what? Even the elderly will find something to enjoy here, watching aged relics like Stallone & Schwarzenegger take part in another glorious bullet-opera as the two actors playfully jab about one another of glory days long past, and reminisce about how much fun they used to have. The two actors are still having lots of fun (it shows), and I think that will put a smile on any Golden Ager's face; it's a nice little testament to the fact that our elders have indeed been through a lot of great shit in their time, and they've seen and been through things the rest of us couldn't even dream of. If there's any movie of 2012 that really sticks home the "respect old people" thing, I can't think of a better example than E2.
In a nutshell, The Expendables 2 proves that -while it may be no masterpiece of film, and is by no means the best picture of the year -it's got something everybody can enjoy. And that's worth something. So take your kids. Take your parents. Take your grandparents. This is a movie for everybody.
So...now that that the more serious stuff is out of the way, can I be a geek for a moment? Because here is my wish list for The Expendables 3:
-it should be a much longer movie, to give more screen-time to the growing list of actors.
-instead of having one villain, the villains should be another team of Expendables, only these guys have much darker agendas. That way every one of the heroes can be pitted against an evenly-matched opponent and make for some bone-crunchingly good fights.
-Schwarzenegger has to get in there with his fists this time, Commando-style.
-new additions to the cast should include: Carl Weathers, Michael Biehn, Nicolas Cage, Jackie Chan, Steven Seagal, Harrison Ford, The Rock, Daniel Craig, Liam Neeson, Jean Reno, and (if there's a just and loving God) Sean Connery.
Make it happen, Hollywood!
And what better way to look backwards than with this summer's heaping helping of nostalgic macho goodness that is The Expendables 2? Oddly enough, upon stepping out of the theater, I came to a funny realization. In a year that gave us The Avengers and The Amazing Spider-Man and Brave and ParaNorman and Madagascar 3, I stand to reason that The Expendables 2 is still the most kid-friendly movie of 2012.
If you're done laughing and shouting out loud to your computer screen that it's the most violent movie of the year and that I'm some kind of idiot for making such a claim, lemme try to explain myself here. Yes, E2 has a lot of action and a lot of violence. It's also got some healthy doses of blood, gore, explosions, and light profanity. But you know what? It's also a TON of fun! Nostalgia aside, let's pretend we haven't been waiting for this on-screen team-up for 30 years and try to get into the mindset of, say, an 8-year-old boy. This would be his favourite movie. There are big explosions, loud guns, tanks blasting shit to pieces, wacky characters spouting funny one-liners, good guys who act really heroic, bad guys who act really nasty, and generally a lot of ass-kicking and subsequent name-taking. This is exactly, to the letter, the kind of stuff 8-year-old boys love. Want proof? Just watch an 8-year-old boy play with his action figures for five minutes. The stuff he'll come up with could be ripped from the pages of any Expendables script.
There are themes in cinema that are not appropriate for young audiences, but I don't think E2 had any of them. There are no F-words, no adult themes, no heavy emotional duress. There's hardly even a mention of sex (the general consensus the movie puts forward, in fact, seems to be that girls are icky, unless they're cool and tough like the boys are). There's nothing in here that an adult would have to explain to an inquisitive kid. And yet I saw no children in the audience for The Expendables 2. Instead, I saw all of the children seated in the theater for The Dark Knight Rises, a movie that features (among other things): sex, partial nudity, numerous adult themes, the death of heroic characters, stock market jargon, frightening images, a bus full of little orphans about to be blown up by an atomic bomb, and corporate espionage. You know, for kids! Hey, parents, when you take your little ones to a movie, here's a hint: do some fucking research first. Just because Batman is on the poster doesn't mean it's going be a magical ride of smiles & rainbows.
On that note, The Expendables 2 is also a perfect movie for adults. We are, after all, the target demographic here. Everybody who's been waiting for these actors to blow shit up onscreen since the 1980s will finally get their wish granted. The first movie was a little more tame and light on the fan-service, but this one doesn't pull any punches. If somebody told me 25 years ago that one day I'd get to see Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger team up to fight a bunch of soldiers who were working for Jean-Claude Van Damme, I'd have probably peed my pants with glee. Heck, I almost peed my pants with glee yesterday when I watched the damn thing happen. There's something euphoric about seeing all of these heroes in one movie; The Expendables 2 is for action cinema what The Avengers was for comic books. Going back to the 8-year-old playing with action figures example, it reminds me of exactly that: anyone who's played with action figures in their youth knows how cool it was to team up a Ninja Turtle with a Spider-Man villain and make them fight a battle against Optimus Prime and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Your imagination was the limit. That's how E2 felt.
You know what? Even the elderly will find something to enjoy here, watching aged relics like Stallone & Schwarzenegger take part in another glorious bullet-opera as the two actors playfully jab about one another of glory days long past, and reminisce about how much fun they used to have. The two actors are still having lots of fun (it shows), and I think that will put a smile on any Golden Ager's face; it's a nice little testament to the fact that our elders have indeed been through a lot of great shit in their time, and they've seen and been through things the rest of us couldn't even dream of. If there's any movie of 2012 that really sticks home the "respect old people" thing, I can't think of a better example than E2.
In a nutshell, The Expendables 2 proves that -while it may be no masterpiece of film, and is by no means the best picture of the year -it's got something everybody can enjoy. And that's worth something. So take your kids. Take your parents. Take your grandparents. This is a movie for everybody.
So...now that that the more serious stuff is out of the way, can I be a geek for a moment? Because here is my wish list for The Expendables 3:
-it should be a much longer movie, to give more screen-time to the growing list of actors.
-instead of having one villain, the villains should be another team of Expendables, only these guys have much darker agendas. That way every one of the heroes can be pitted against an evenly-matched opponent and make for some bone-crunchingly good fights.
-Schwarzenegger has to get in there with his fists this time, Commando-style.
-new additions to the cast should include: Carl Weathers, Michael Biehn, Nicolas Cage, Jackie Chan, Steven Seagal, Harrison Ford, The Rock, Daniel Craig, Liam Neeson, Jean Reno, and (if there's a just and loving God) Sean Connery.
Make it happen, Hollywood!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
The Ballad of the Spider
Gather round, children, I've a tale to share with you. Pull up a chair and listen close, and you might learn a thing or two before the end...
Once upon a time -not so long ago, in fact -there was a man named Marvel. When Marvel was young, he was one of those children who had a lot of toys. His bedroom was littered with fun toys of all shapes, sizes, and colours. And Marvel loved each and every one of them. He would sit in his room, perched atop his bed or inside a fortress constructed out of blankets, and play for hours. Every toy was used and appreciated to its fullest extent. But Marvel's absolute favourite toy of all was Spider-Man.
Spider-Man was one of those toys that Marvel took everywhere. He brought it in the car with him. He took it over to grandma's house. He would bring it to school, tuck it safely in his backpack during class, and play with it all recess long. Marvel adored the Spider-Man toy; cherished it, even. To him, Spider-Man was more precious than all the gold in the world.
As the years went on, and Marvel grew older, he gave away some of his lesser-used toys to other children. When he found out that his uncle & aunt (to whom he was very close) were having a baby, Marvel did a very noble thing and gave that lucky baby the coveted Spider-Man toy.
"But, Marvel, you love that old toy!" his aunt said to him.
"Yeah, I do," admitted Marvel as he handed the toy over. "And I've got a lot of fond memories of it, too. But here's hoping my new baby cousin will make all-new memories. I only hope this Spider-Man toy makes him as happy as it's made me."
So more years rolled by. By now, Marvel was in his late twenties, married, and his wife had just given birth to twins. An ecstatic Marvel was at the top of the world; life was certainly good, and could only get better from here. But one night, as he sat watching his newborn twins drift softly off to sleep in their crib, he noticed a few inches of empty space between them and couldn't help but feel that something was missing. It only took him a few moments to realize what it was...
The very next morning, Marvel went back over to his uncle and aunt's house to visit his little cousin, a precocious nine-year-old boy named Sony. Marvel made his way down to the basement of the house to find Sony sitting lazily on the carpet, sucking on his thumb and not really doing much of anything. Scattered about the room was a mess of unused toys and other odds and ends. It was a hot summer morning, so a ceiling fan rotated overhead, bathing the room in cool air. The boy looked up when his older cousin entered the room. "Hi, Marvel!"
"Hi, Sony!" Marvel said, kneeling down so that he could be at eye level with the boy. He noticed an enormous black electronic device positioned next to the wall in the corner, and curiously inquired as to what it was.
"Oh, that? That's my PlayStation!" Sony chirped happily. "It's my favouritest toy in the whole, wide world! I play with it every day!"
"Sounds like fun!" said Marvel. He noticed something else, a flat black box with sleek LED lights. "And how about that?"
"Oh, that? That's my Blu-Ray player! It's also my favouritest toy in the whole, wide world! I play with it every day, too!"
"Sounds great!" said Marvel. Then he noticed a massive pile of colourful toys sitting next to the Blu-Ray. "And what are all those?!"
"Oh, those? Those are Underworld, Ghostbusters, The Karate Kid, and Men in Black! I've had those toys since I was a baby! They're my favouritest toys in the whole, wide world times infinity!"
"That sounds swell, Sony!" Marvel said with a happy chuckle. "Looks like you've got a lot of really neat toys down here." He shifted his weight on the shag carpeting to get more comfortable. "Actually, Sony, speaking of toys...that's what I came here to talk to you about today."
"Whaddya mean?" asked Sony, tilting his head curiously. Then his eyes flashed with excitement. "Did you buy me a new toy?!?!"
"Um, no, not today. Sorry," Marvel said. "See, buddy, the reason I'm here is because...as I'm sure you know by now...my wife and I just had two babies. Twins, actually."
"Yeah, mom and dad mentioned it last week," said Sony, who looked utterly disappointed that there were no new toys in his forseeable future.
"Well," Marvel explained, "we bought a lot of new toys for the babies, and we really don't need any more. But...I was setting them down to sleep last night, and a thought occurred to me. I thought that it would be so nice, and so sweet, and so gosh-darn poetic, if I could give my very own children my favouritest toy in the whole, wide world. If I could pass down the one toy I cherished above all others to my babies, and let it be loved for a whole other generation."
"Which toy is that?" asked Sony.
"Well, the Spider-Man toy, of course," said Marvel. "I loved that toy more than anything when I was little."
"But you gave that to me!" said Sony.
"I sure did," said Marvel, "back when you were born. And I'm sure you've had a lot of great times with it, too! But you've gotten bigger since then, and you don't use that Spider-Man toy anymore. You've got plenty of other toys that you love more. So I thought it would be nice to be able to pass Spider-Man down to my babies."
"Uh...no, I use it all the time!" Sony lied. "I use it plenty!"
"No you don't," said Marvel. "I can see it from here. It's lying right there behind the couch, under that pile of unwashed socks and crushed soda cans."
Sony rushed over and retrieved the Spider-Man toy from beneath the pile of garbage, clutching it defensively against his chest. "No! It's mine!"
"But your parents told me you haven't played with it in almost five years now," Marvel said gently. "Don't you think you should let someone younger have it? Someone who'd appreciate it more?"
"No! Mine!" Sony whined. "I appreciate it more."
"But, Sony, be reasonable. I was here five years ago, the last time you played with Spider-Man! I remember you said -and I quote -'This toy is stupid and I don't want to play with it anymore'. Then you tossed it behind the couch onto that exact spot where it's remained for these past five years until you moved it just now!"
But alas, little Sony wouldn't budge an inch. He kept the toy securely in his hands and scoffed. "Mine!"
Marvel sighed, defeated. He knew his little cousin well enough by now to know that there was no arguing with him. "Okay, Sony," he said, his shoulders slumping with disappointment. "You win. You can keep my cherished childhood toy." Before Marvel turned to leave, though, he added, "But...I want you to make me a promise right now. I want you to promise me that you'll play with it. You'll take good care of Spider-Man and you'll play with it and appreciate it and never treat it carelessly. Because that toy means more to me than any other toy in the world. And I want to make sure I'm leaving it in good hands. Okay? Do you promise?"
"I promise!" Sony squealed with delight. "I'll play with it right now! Watch!" And he tossed Spider-Man up into the air triumphantly.
But unfortunately, Sony tossed the wall-crawler a little TOO high. Spider-Man collided with the whirring overhead ceiling fan and shattered upon impact, scattering a dozen bits of broken plastic every which way until pieces of the mutilated Spider-Man were strewn all over the basement. "Oops!" Sony blurted out. "Oh, well!" And he continued to suck his thumb obliviously as a heartbroken Marvel turned and left the room.
And that, boys and girls, brings us to the end of our little story. So what have we learned? We've learned that there are some things in life too precious to give away. One person's idea of gold might be another person's idea of pure garbage. Toys are meant to be played with, kids, not hoarded. They're meant to be loved and enjoyed and appreciated to their fullest extent possible. If you've got toys you never use, guess what? There are a million people out there who would love to use them. Waste not, want not.
The end.
Once upon a time -not so long ago, in fact -there was a man named Marvel. When Marvel was young, he was one of those children who had a lot of toys. His bedroom was littered with fun toys of all shapes, sizes, and colours. And Marvel loved each and every one of them. He would sit in his room, perched atop his bed or inside a fortress constructed out of blankets, and play for hours. Every toy was used and appreciated to its fullest extent. But Marvel's absolute favourite toy of all was Spider-Man.
Spider-Man was one of those toys that Marvel took everywhere. He brought it in the car with him. He took it over to grandma's house. He would bring it to school, tuck it safely in his backpack during class, and play with it all recess long. Marvel adored the Spider-Man toy; cherished it, even. To him, Spider-Man was more precious than all the gold in the world.
As the years went on, and Marvel grew older, he gave away some of his lesser-used toys to other children. When he found out that his uncle & aunt (to whom he was very close) were having a baby, Marvel did a very noble thing and gave that lucky baby the coveted Spider-Man toy.
"But, Marvel, you love that old toy!" his aunt said to him.
"Yeah, I do," admitted Marvel as he handed the toy over. "And I've got a lot of fond memories of it, too. But here's hoping my new baby cousin will make all-new memories. I only hope this Spider-Man toy makes him as happy as it's made me."
So more years rolled by. By now, Marvel was in his late twenties, married, and his wife had just given birth to twins. An ecstatic Marvel was at the top of the world; life was certainly good, and could only get better from here. But one night, as he sat watching his newborn twins drift softly off to sleep in their crib, he noticed a few inches of empty space between them and couldn't help but feel that something was missing. It only took him a few moments to realize what it was...
The very next morning, Marvel went back over to his uncle and aunt's house to visit his little cousin, a precocious nine-year-old boy named Sony. Marvel made his way down to the basement of the house to find Sony sitting lazily on the carpet, sucking on his thumb and not really doing much of anything. Scattered about the room was a mess of unused toys and other odds and ends. It was a hot summer morning, so a ceiling fan rotated overhead, bathing the room in cool air. The boy looked up when his older cousin entered the room. "Hi, Marvel!"
"Hi, Sony!" Marvel said, kneeling down so that he could be at eye level with the boy. He noticed an enormous black electronic device positioned next to the wall in the corner, and curiously inquired as to what it was.
"Oh, that? That's my PlayStation!" Sony chirped happily. "It's my favouritest toy in the whole, wide world! I play with it every day!"
"Sounds like fun!" said Marvel. He noticed something else, a flat black box with sleek LED lights. "And how about that?"
"Oh, that? That's my Blu-Ray player! It's also my favouritest toy in the whole, wide world! I play with it every day, too!"
"Sounds great!" said Marvel. Then he noticed a massive pile of colourful toys sitting next to the Blu-Ray. "And what are all those?!"
"Oh, those? Those are Underworld, Ghostbusters, The Karate Kid, and Men in Black! I've had those toys since I was a baby! They're my favouritest toys in the whole, wide world times infinity!"
"That sounds swell, Sony!" Marvel said with a happy chuckle. "Looks like you've got a lot of really neat toys down here." He shifted his weight on the shag carpeting to get more comfortable. "Actually, Sony, speaking of toys...that's what I came here to talk to you about today."
"Whaddya mean?" asked Sony, tilting his head curiously. Then his eyes flashed with excitement. "Did you buy me a new toy?!?!"
"Um, no, not today. Sorry," Marvel said. "See, buddy, the reason I'm here is because...as I'm sure you know by now...my wife and I just had two babies. Twins, actually."
"Yeah, mom and dad mentioned it last week," said Sony, who looked utterly disappointed that there were no new toys in his forseeable future.
"Well," Marvel explained, "we bought a lot of new toys for the babies, and we really don't need any more. But...I was setting them down to sleep last night, and a thought occurred to me. I thought that it would be so nice, and so sweet, and so gosh-darn poetic, if I could give my very own children my favouritest toy in the whole, wide world. If I could pass down the one toy I cherished above all others to my babies, and let it be loved for a whole other generation."
"Which toy is that?" asked Sony.
"Well, the Spider-Man toy, of course," said Marvel. "I loved that toy more than anything when I was little."
"But you gave that to me!" said Sony.
"I sure did," said Marvel, "back when you were born. And I'm sure you've had a lot of great times with it, too! But you've gotten bigger since then, and you don't use that Spider-Man toy anymore. You've got plenty of other toys that you love more. So I thought it would be nice to be able to pass Spider-Man down to my babies."
"Uh...no, I use it all the time!" Sony lied. "I use it plenty!"
"No you don't," said Marvel. "I can see it from here. It's lying right there behind the couch, under that pile of unwashed socks and crushed soda cans."
Sony rushed over and retrieved the Spider-Man toy from beneath the pile of garbage, clutching it defensively against his chest. "No! It's mine!"
"But your parents told me you haven't played with it in almost five years now," Marvel said gently. "Don't you think you should let someone younger have it? Someone who'd appreciate it more?"
"No! Mine!" Sony whined. "I appreciate it more."
"But, Sony, be reasonable. I was here five years ago, the last time you played with Spider-Man! I remember you said -and I quote -'This toy is stupid and I don't want to play with it anymore'. Then you tossed it behind the couch onto that exact spot where it's remained for these past five years until you moved it just now!"
But alas, little Sony wouldn't budge an inch. He kept the toy securely in his hands and scoffed. "Mine!"
Marvel sighed, defeated. He knew his little cousin well enough by now to know that there was no arguing with him. "Okay, Sony," he said, his shoulders slumping with disappointment. "You win. You can keep my cherished childhood toy." Before Marvel turned to leave, though, he added, "But...I want you to make me a promise right now. I want you to promise me that you'll play with it. You'll take good care of Spider-Man and you'll play with it and appreciate it and never treat it carelessly. Because that toy means more to me than any other toy in the world. And I want to make sure I'm leaving it in good hands. Okay? Do you promise?"
"I promise!" Sony squealed with delight. "I'll play with it right now! Watch!" And he tossed Spider-Man up into the air triumphantly.
But unfortunately, Sony tossed the wall-crawler a little TOO high. Spider-Man collided with the whirring overhead ceiling fan and shattered upon impact, scattering a dozen bits of broken plastic every which way until pieces of the mutilated Spider-Man were strewn all over the basement. "Oops!" Sony blurted out. "Oh, well!" And he continued to suck his thumb obliviously as a heartbroken Marvel turned and left the room.
And that, boys and girls, brings us to the end of our little story. So what have we learned? We've learned that there are some things in life too precious to give away. One person's idea of gold might be another person's idea of pure garbage. Toys are meant to be played with, kids, not hoarded. They're meant to be loved and enjoyed and appreciated to their fullest extent possible. If you've got toys you never use, guess what? There are a million people out there who would love to use them. Waste not, want not.
The end.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Let's Reboot!
I'd imagine that somewhere deep in the bowels of Hollywood is a studio where most of the industry's screenwriting takes place. Located within this studio, there must be an impossibly gigantic whiteboard which all of the writers look to for inspiration. The whiteboard contains nothing less than Hollywood's current formula for success. The words "HOW TO WRITE A MOVIE" are (I assume) plastered firmly in thick, red silicon letters above this whiteboard so that there can be no question as to what the board's contents are all about. And written on the whiteboard itself would be the two sentences that studio executives are practically demanding their writers to follow:
"Step #1: Reboot something that's already popular".
"Step #2: Make it dark and gritty now".
It fells like by this point, the words "dark" and "gritty" have gotten tossed around so often in Hollywood that most folks there have become a bit confused as to their meaning. For example, every other blockbuster that gets released these days boasts about how "gritty" their fresh new story is, how it's "the grittiest film" you'll ever see. But we know that's a lie right away, don't we? The grittiest movie I've ever seen and ever will see was Spider-Man 3, because it had a character who was literally made of millions of tiny particles of sand and grit (although, since the majority of it takes place on sand, I'd say Beach Blanket Bingo would be a close second). But I digress.
Reboots are the other half of this trend. Everything is getting rebooted or remade now, and even their titles are getting an extreme makeover. Remember Judge Dredd? It's getting a reboot this year. Only, it's just called Dredd now. How about Invasion of the Body Snatchers? They got a remake, but it was called The Invasion. Why? Because in today's fast-paced, smart phone-fueled world, people don't have time for silly things like words. Brb ttyl LMFAO.
The reason I started writing these blogs at The Question Mark in the first place is because I've always wanted to continuously hone my writing skills and hopefully get exposure which could lead to future writing jobs some day. I'd really like to get paid to write books and scripts for the film/TV industry, so I'm dedicating this week's TQM entry to all of the Hollywood producers out there who are looking for writers to pen their next great masterpiece. I'm presenting you producers with six ideas for six great movies, all while never straying from your golden rules: "reboot something that's already popular; make it dark and gritty now". Also, Hollywood, I'm going to cater to your other whim: the titles will be as short as possible, so that people can spend less time telling the box office clerk which movie they want to see and more time paying for their ticket, okay? So here are my six ideas. If this doesn't make you wanna hire me, then I have no idea what will.
GUMP
This is the retold, much better story of the life of everyone's favourite dim-witted southerner, Forrest Gump. This time around though, his mother never really loved him and Jenny died in a horrific car crash when she was 14. So Gump has become a gravelly-voiced badass bent on revenge. The entire movie will focus on his time as a soldier in the Vietnam War. The effects of war make him psychotic (as war is wont to do), and he starts imagining that he sees Jenny wandering the jungles. He goes mad trying to follow her specter, ripping the throats out of enemy soldiers in really cool, bloody ways as he inches closer to Jenny, only to have her slip away from him again and again. His commanding officer, Lieutenant Dan, decides to utilize Gump's psychosis by unleashing the man into a P.O.W. camp and letting him run wild. The "Life is like a bandolier of bullets" scene will have the audience cheering with delight.
TOY
Woody is an antique cowboy doll whose owner (a boy named Andy) was killed in an attempted terrorist attack on Washington D.C. by Al Qaeda insurgents. Driven mad with grief, Woody has become a gravelly-voiced badass bent on revenge. He, Buzz Lightyear, and a shitload of G.I. Joe toys discover a way of constructing actual working miniature guns out of Lego and TinkerToy. Together, the small army leaves the safe confines of Andy's house and wages war on the terrorists who dared to mess with them. Instead of learning to overcome their differences like they did in that bland "original" version, this time Woody and Buzz learn that dousing a chainsaw in gasoline and setting it ablaze allows you to kill twice as many terrorists as you would with a normal chainsaw. Also, Jason Statham does a few voices in it. He plays everybody.
PARK
John Hammond is a wealthy scientist and entrepreneur who has spent the last several years cloning dinosaurs on an uncharted island southeast of Costa Rica. The cloning is a success, and before long Hammond hatches plans to open a dinosaur gaming reserve (because theme parks are juvenile; gaming reserves are much more gritty and edgy). However, Hammond is stranded in the jungle one night and is devoured by a T-Rex. Hammond's son Jack, a gravelly-voiced badass, becomes bent on revenge. Armed with an arsenal of weapons that would make The Terminator blush, Jack ventures into the depths of the island to lay the smackdown on his father's creations and teach those overgrown iguanas who's really at the top of the food chain.
BANG
A poverty-stricken man and his two small children are trying to eke out a life in a post-apocalyptic Seattle. One day, the children find an abandoned antique car in a junkyard and insist on fixing it up. Before long, the father and his kids have converted the vehicle into a wicked-cool fire-red Lamborghini Diablo with side-mounted guns and rocket launchers. The kids nickname the car "Bang" because that's the sound its guns make when they're fired, and the car seems to take on a mind and personality of its own. Instead of the childish plot of the original, silly musical version, this movie takes a drastic turn when both children are kidnapped and tortured by a serial killer/drug lord who also has an army of zombies for some reason. The kids' father, who was already a gravelly-voiced badass to begin with, automatically becomes bent on revenge. He and Bang embark on a cross-country road trip of blood, bullets, and collateral damage in an attempt to rescue the children and save the day.
FERRIS
Ferris Bueller is an average American high school student who happens to be gifted with exceptional cleverness and improvisational skills. Faking illness to get out of school, Ferris prepares for a day of fun and excitement...and gets more than he bargained for. See, it turns out that the reason he's so clever and witty is because he's had a top-secret government chip implanted in his skull, a chip containing thousands of covert agent training tactics and escape plans. When the government discovers Ferris' location, they send agents to kill him. Luckily, they enter his house while he's out catching a Cubs game, but they murder his sister in cold blood. Ferris, whose voice is now full of gravel and whose personality is now badass and driven by revenge, decides that he's going to play by his own rules from now on. He sets out on a quest to take down the government agents one-by-one, utilizing every one of his awesome skills at disguise, identity theft, and theatricality to achieve his bloody goals. And all the while, his bumbling yet lovable principal Ed Rooney is constantly trying to prove that's he's not really sick after all!
BUSTERS
Peter Venkman, Egon Spengler, and Ray Stantz are three down on their luck scientists obsessed with the paranormal and occult. With no means of garnering income, they open up a ghost-catching business in the hopes of becoming New York heroes. Instead, they're ridiculed. Until one fateful night, when a truckload of Al Qaeda insurgents (who were planning some kind of terrorist attack on the MetLife building) all perish in a fiery explosion before they can accomplish their goal. The terrorists' ghosts are angry, bitter, and full of resentment, and strike a deal with a Sumerian god of destruction named Gozer to harness the powers of Ancient Evil and make New York City burn! Catching wind of this nefarious scheme, the Ghostbusters trade in their proton packs for some much more badass heavy artillery machine guns that can also kill ghosts, and they set out to make sure that justice is served the American way! Rick Moranis stars again as an aged Louis Tully, who is no longer an accountant but an Iraqi War vet who has a surprisingly soft-spoken voice but regardless is full of thoughts of revenge. Also, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is just a big white tank now, because that's grittier.
"Step #1: Reboot something that's already popular".
"Step #2: Make it dark and gritty now".
It fells like by this point, the words "dark" and "gritty" have gotten tossed around so often in Hollywood that most folks there have become a bit confused as to their meaning. For example, every other blockbuster that gets released these days boasts about how "gritty" their fresh new story is, how it's "the grittiest film" you'll ever see. But we know that's a lie right away, don't we? The grittiest movie I've ever seen and ever will see was Spider-Man 3, because it had a character who was literally made of millions of tiny particles of sand and grit (although, since the majority of it takes place on sand, I'd say Beach Blanket Bingo would be a close second). But I digress.
Reboots are the other half of this trend. Everything is getting rebooted or remade now, and even their titles are getting an extreme makeover. Remember Judge Dredd? It's getting a reboot this year. Only, it's just called Dredd now. How about Invasion of the Body Snatchers? They got a remake, but it was called The Invasion. Why? Because in today's fast-paced, smart phone-fueled world, people don't have time for silly things like words. Brb ttyl LMFAO.
The reason I started writing these blogs at The Question Mark in the first place is because I've always wanted to continuously hone my writing skills and hopefully get exposure which could lead to future writing jobs some day. I'd really like to get paid to write books and scripts for the film/TV industry, so I'm dedicating this week's TQM entry to all of the Hollywood producers out there who are looking for writers to pen their next great masterpiece. I'm presenting you producers with six ideas for six great movies, all while never straying from your golden rules: "reboot something that's already popular; make it dark and gritty now". Also, Hollywood, I'm going to cater to your other whim: the titles will be as short as possible, so that people can spend less time telling the box office clerk which movie they want to see and more time paying for their ticket, okay? So here are my six ideas. If this doesn't make you wanna hire me, then I have no idea what will.
GUMP
This is the retold, much better story of the life of everyone's favourite dim-witted southerner, Forrest Gump. This time around though, his mother never really loved him and Jenny died in a horrific car crash when she was 14. So Gump has become a gravelly-voiced badass bent on revenge. The entire movie will focus on his time as a soldier in the Vietnam War. The effects of war make him psychotic (as war is wont to do), and he starts imagining that he sees Jenny wandering the jungles. He goes mad trying to follow her specter, ripping the throats out of enemy soldiers in really cool, bloody ways as he inches closer to Jenny, only to have her slip away from him again and again. His commanding officer, Lieutenant Dan, decides to utilize Gump's psychosis by unleashing the man into a P.O.W. camp and letting him run wild. The "Life is like a bandolier of bullets" scene will have the audience cheering with delight.
TOY
Woody is an antique cowboy doll whose owner (a boy named Andy) was killed in an attempted terrorist attack on Washington D.C. by Al Qaeda insurgents. Driven mad with grief, Woody has become a gravelly-voiced badass bent on revenge. He, Buzz Lightyear, and a shitload of G.I. Joe toys discover a way of constructing actual working miniature guns out of Lego and TinkerToy. Together, the small army leaves the safe confines of Andy's house and wages war on the terrorists who dared to mess with them. Instead of learning to overcome their differences like they did in that bland "original" version, this time Woody and Buzz learn that dousing a chainsaw in gasoline and setting it ablaze allows you to kill twice as many terrorists as you would with a normal chainsaw. Also, Jason Statham does a few voices in it. He plays everybody.
PARK
John Hammond is a wealthy scientist and entrepreneur who has spent the last several years cloning dinosaurs on an uncharted island southeast of Costa Rica. The cloning is a success, and before long Hammond hatches plans to open a dinosaur gaming reserve (because theme parks are juvenile; gaming reserves are much more gritty and edgy). However, Hammond is stranded in the jungle one night and is devoured by a T-Rex. Hammond's son Jack, a gravelly-voiced badass, becomes bent on revenge. Armed with an arsenal of weapons that would make The Terminator blush, Jack ventures into the depths of the island to lay the smackdown on his father's creations and teach those overgrown iguanas who's really at the top of the food chain.
BANG
A poverty-stricken man and his two small children are trying to eke out a life in a post-apocalyptic Seattle. One day, the children find an abandoned antique car in a junkyard and insist on fixing it up. Before long, the father and his kids have converted the vehicle into a wicked-cool fire-red Lamborghini Diablo with side-mounted guns and rocket launchers. The kids nickname the car "Bang" because that's the sound its guns make when they're fired, and the car seems to take on a mind and personality of its own. Instead of the childish plot of the original, silly musical version, this movie takes a drastic turn when both children are kidnapped and tortured by a serial killer/drug lord who also has an army of zombies for some reason. The kids' father, who was already a gravelly-voiced badass to begin with, automatically becomes bent on revenge. He and Bang embark on a cross-country road trip of blood, bullets, and collateral damage in an attempt to rescue the children and save the day.
FERRIS
Ferris Bueller is an average American high school student who happens to be gifted with exceptional cleverness and improvisational skills. Faking illness to get out of school, Ferris prepares for a day of fun and excitement...and gets more than he bargained for. See, it turns out that the reason he's so clever and witty is because he's had a top-secret government chip implanted in his skull, a chip containing thousands of covert agent training tactics and escape plans. When the government discovers Ferris' location, they send agents to kill him. Luckily, they enter his house while he's out catching a Cubs game, but they murder his sister in cold blood. Ferris, whose voice is now full of gravel and whose personality is now badass and driven by revenge, decides that he's going to play by his own rules from now on. He sets out on a quest to take down the government agents one-by-one, utilizing every one of his awesome skills at disguise, identity theft, and theatricality to achieve his bloody goals. And all the while, his bumbling yet lovable principal Ed Rooney is constantly trying to prove that's he's not really sick after all!
BUSTERS
Peter Venkman, Egon Spengler, and Ray Stantz are three down on their luck scientists obsessed with the paranormal and occult. With no means of garnering income, they open up a ghost-catching business in the hopes of becoming New York heroes. Instead, they're ridiculed. Until one fateful night, when a truckload of Al Qaeda insurgents (who were planning some kind of terrorist attack on the MetLife building) all perish in a fiery explosion before they can accomplish their goal. The terrorists' ghosts are angry, bitter, and full of resentment, and strike a deal with a Sumerian god of destruction named Gozer to harness the powers of Ancient Evil and make New York City burn! Catching wind of this nefarious scheme, the Ghostbusters trade in their proton packs for some much more badass heavy artillery machine guns that can also kill ghosts, and they set out to make sure that justice is served the American way! Rick Moranis stars again as an aged Louis Tully, who is no longer an accountant but an Iraqi War vet who has a surprisingly soft-spoken voice but regardless is full of thoughts of revenge. Also, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is just a big white tank now, because that's grittier.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Justice For All
So, last week I asked you all to indulge my geekosity (which, if it isn't a word already, will become one as of now) and let me ruminate about what's on the minds of everyone who was blown away by The Avengers: that is to say, "Long-term, inter-movie, fan-service crossover events are not only possible, but they can be done EXTREMELY WELL on the FIRST TRY and they can make oodles upon oodles of MONEY! Hooray!" With that in mind, my fellow citizens of the People's Republic of Nerd, can the same thing be done...with DC Comics?! (Cue dramatic music. Actually, screw the cue, here's a link to some dramatic music).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7g9WjcGdxuM
The answer (or, I should say, my answer) to that question is a resounding "maybe". It would be a hell of a lot easier, that's for damn sure, considering EVERYTHING under the DC sun is owned by the good people at Warner Bros. Entertainment. So right off the bat, we'd have no problems with licensing/rights agreements or any of that bullshit. But can the almighty WB really get their act together and give us an epic Justice League crossover to rival the awesomeness that was Joss Whedon's The Avengers? Let's hypothesize! Which is a scientific way of saying, "I 'unno."
First things first: for those not "in the know" on comic book superhero jargon and whatnot, here's a crash course. DC and Marvel are the two major competing comic book publishers. There have been others, but Marvel and DC have been the Top 2 since comics started existing. As it was in the beginning, is now, and forever shall be. Amen. Marvel is the company who owns the characters you see in The Avengers (i.e. Iron Man, Captain America, The Hulk, Thor, etc.), as well as others like the X-Men and Spider-Man. DC, on the other hand, are the minds behind characters like Batman & Robin, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and Superman. And the DC Universe has its own dream team of superheroes banding together to fight great evil, only they don't call themselves the Avengers. That would be copyright infringement, kids! Instead, they opt to go by the title of the Justice League of America.
The Justice League's revolving door policy has resulted in a roster of heroes that has gone through more men in tights than a slutty ballerina hanging around backstage to keep the male chorus occupied during scenes when they're not needed. But the mainstays of the Justice League usually tend to be the same 7 heroes: namely, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and Martian Manhunter.
That's 7 heroes, 7 big stories, 7 movies to make to lead up to one ginormous big-screen Justice League extravaganza. And I think, with the proper nudging and motivation of certain parties, it can be done, and done well! Here's my take on it:
First off, we've already got Batman and Superman covered, so that's two down right there. I know Chris Nolan said he never wants to make another Batman film, and ditto Christian Bale. But you know what? Fuck them! We don't need them to have a good time! (Actually, I'm sorry for cursing at you, Mr. Bale. PLEASE don't yell at me!!!) Let's assume we've got Bale as Batman and the upcoming Henry Cavill reprising his role as Superman. And if Christian Bale absolutely, positively refuses to return, then we'll replace him with Jim Caviezel and make Bruce Wayne an older guy. Seriously, if you're not already watching Caviezel on Person of Interest, start watching! That show is literally Batman without costumes.
Alright. Let's try something a little more difficult: Green Lantern. We got that *snicker* "movie" last June starring Ryan Reynolds, which had great special effects and a pretty good cast, but...yeah. that's about all it had going for it. So let's delete that from our memory and start fresh. Break out a whole new Green Lantern film series, a big, epic, sprawling one, I'm talking 5 or 6 movies here. Remember, this is a sci-fi alien smorgasbord we're talking about here, there's PLENTY of room for 5 or 6 movies worth of stories to tell. Besides, there are actually four major Green Lantern characters: Hal Jordan (who we say Reynolds play), John Stewart, Guy Gardner, and Kyle Rayner. There you go, you have at least a trilogy's worth of stuff right there. Recast Hal Jordan: Nathan Fillion (of Castle fame to you non-geeks out there, of God fame to everyone else) can play him with his eyes closed. Or if you wanna go the John Stewart route and have him be African-American, no problemo. Leonard Roberts from Heroes could pull that off without a hitch, and either one of them would fit in just fine in the Justice League.
Still too easy, you say? How about Aquaman? He's like a joke; if it weren't for Entourage, there'd probably be a whole slew of folks who don't even know that Aquaman exists. But he's a pretty hefty character, being the freaking King of Atlantis and all! Let's go with the older, grizzled version of Aquaman, the one with the beard and the Captain Hook hand. I know he's overused at this point, but I think Mr. Jolie himself, Brad Pitt, might be able to get Aquaman right, as long as they focus less on his "hunk factor" and more on his 'I'm an older guy with a big burden on my shoulders factor". One of Aquaman's biggest character traits that separates him from the rest is that he's a father. And if anybody knows about taking care of kids, it'd be the man who adopts foreign children like he's ordering take-out. Throw in Jamie Foxx as his archenemy Black Manta and you're good to go.
Martian Manhunter? Piece of cake. His story would make a great movie. He's essentially a Martian who gets teleported to Earth by a mad scientist. The scientist then dies before he has a chance to finish his experiments, and Manhunter escapes the lab. He's unable to return home, so he roams the Earth, assumes a human identity, and tries to fit in to avoid being experimented on whilst continuously searching for a means of getting back to Mars. Giancarlo Esposito (who plays Gustavo on Breaking Bad and the Magic Mirror on Once Upon A Time) certainly has a way of making humans seem inhuman, and vice versa. I think he could pull off the Manhunter very nicely. Boom. Done.
The Flash. He's trickier, yes, but not impossible. First of all, let's avoid the obvious dumb Hollywood route and NOT cast Ryan Reynolds again, for the fourteenth time, in a superhero picture. Flash is a redheaded fellow with a smart-ass attitude, so I'd like to see him played by Zack Ward. If you're a fan of A Christmas Story, you'll remember l'il Zack as the bully, Scut Farkas. I'm not too familiar with the Flash storylines, but considering there's been about 50 bjillion people to step into the red-and-yellow Flash spandex at one point or another, I'm sure there's gotta be some script fuel in there somewhere. I think his archenemy is a chubby guy with a snow theme named Captain Cold, so let's toss Phillip Seymour Hoffman into an oversized blue parka and Bob's your uncle.
That leaves Wonder Woman. Now she is tricky. Much like Thor of Marvel Comics fame, WW stands apart from the rest in that she's literally descended from Greek gods and has the strength of the Amazonians, or something like that. To the extent of my knowledge, she & a bunch of powerful women got exiled to an island by Hercules (who, it turns out, is kind of a douchebag), and Wonder Woman became a leader on that island, until a World War II pilot crashed down there and she became sucked into the world of normal mortals. I guess this could still work. Substitute World War II for...whatever we call the war that's happening right now, with the terror and whatnot. As for who could play her...we've all heard so many theories, and many of them could work, too. Again, like Aquaman, Wonder Woman should be attractive, but not in an unrealistic and distracting way *coughMichaelBaycough*. She's a ruler who's had to make a lot of tough decisions, and she carries quite the burden on those supple shoulders of hers: that burden should never be overshadowed by her looks. Anyone from Cobie Smulders to Natalie Portman to Elizabeth Hurley have been rumored for the role. Personally, I think Mila Kunis might work. Then stick Rhona Mitra in there as the Cheetah (her primary antagonist), and that's all you need. Wonder Woman herself already contains so many powerful themes to support a script and its sequel, that there's not much room for error as far as story is concerned.
And there you have it. Put together these last five movies, let them marinate for a year or so, then shake well and serve up an ice cold pitcher of Justice. It can be done, Warner Bros. You have the technology. You have the money. You have the rights. Go for it. But (and I leave you with this as my final thought, friends) just because someone can do something, doesn't mean they should. Warner Brothers shouldn't do a damn thing unless they're setting out to make a quality movie series with fun, engaging characters & plotlines. If they're gonna crank out 5 pieces of shit and one huge diarrhea crossover just so they can stand neck-and-neck with Marvel and chuckle, "Me too! Hyuck! Hyuck!", then they'll get a serious wake-up call once all the bad reviews come rolling in. Quality comes first, always.
Also, Warner Brothers, call me. I will totally write those six Green Lantern movies for FREE.
I'm not joking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7g9WjcGdxuM
The answer (or, I should say, my answer) to that question is a resounding "maybe". It would be a hell of a lot easier, that's for damn sure, considering EVERYTHING under the DC sun is owned by the good people at Warner Bros. Entertainment. So right off the bat, we'd have no problems with licensing/rights agreements or any of that bullshit. But can the almighty WB really get their act together and give us an epic Justice League crossover to rival the awesomeness that was Joss Whedon's The Avengers? Let's hypothesize! Which is a scientific way of saying, "I 'unno."
First things first: for those not "in the know" on comic book superhero jargon and whatnot, here's a crash course. DC and Marvel are the two major competing comic book publishers. There have been others, but Marvel and DC have been the Top 2 since comics started existing. As it was in the beginning, is now, and forever shall be. Amen. Marvel is the company who owns the characters you see in The Avengers (i.e. Iron Man, Captain America, The Hulk, Thor, etc.), as well as others like the X-Men and Spider-Man. DC, on the other hand, are the minds behind characters like Batman & Robin, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and Superman. And the DC Universe has its own dream team of superheroes banding together to fight great evil, only they don't call themselves the Avengers. That would be copyright infringement, kids! Instead, they opt to go by the title of the Justice League of America.
The Justice League's revolving door policy has resulted in a roster of heroes that has gone through more men in tights than a slutty ballerina hanging around backstage to keep the male chorus occupied during scenes when they're not needed. But the mainstays of the Justice League usually tend to be the same 7 heroes: namely, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and Martian Manhunter.
That's 7 heroes, 7 big stories, 7 movies to make to lead up to one ginormous big-screen Justice League extravaganza. And I think, with the proper nudging and motivation of certain parties, it can be done, and done well! Here's my take on it:
First off, we've already got Batman and Superman covered, so that's two down right there. I know Chris Nolan said he never wants to make another Batman film, and ditto Christian Bale. But you know what? Fuck them! We don't need them to have a good time! (Actually, I'm sorry for cursing at you, Mr. Bale. PLEASE don't yell at me!!!) Let's assume we've got Bale as Batman and the upcoming Henry Cavill reprising his role as Superman. And if Christian Bale absolutely, positively refuses to return, then we'll replace him with Jim Caviezel and make Bruce Wayne an older guy. Seriously, if you're not already watching Caviezel on Person of Interest, start watching! That show is literally Batman without costumes.
Alright. Let's try something a little more difficult: Green Lantern. We got that *snicker* "movie" last June starring Ryan Reynolds, which had great special effects and a pretty good cast, but...yeah. that's about all it had going for it. So let's delete that from our memory and start fresh. Break out a whole new Green Lantern film series, a big, epic, sprawling one, I'm talking 5 or 6 movies here. Remember, this is a sci-fi alien smorgasbord we're talking about here, there's PLENTY of room for 5 or 6 movies worth of stories to tell. Besides, there are actually four major Green Lantern characters: Hal Jordan (who we say Reynolds play), John Stewart, Guy Gardner, and Kyle Rayner. There you go, you have at least a trilogy's worth of stuff right there. Recast Hal Jordan: Nathan Fillion (of Castle fame to you non-geeks out there, of God fame to everyone else) can play him with his eyes closed. Or if you wanna go the John Stewart route and have him be African-American, no problemo. Leonard Roberts from Heroes could pull that off without a hitch, and either one of them would fit in just fine in the Justice League.
Still too easy, you say? How about Aquaman? He's like a joke; if it weren't for Entourage, there'd probably be a whole slew of folks who don't even know that Aquaman exists. But he's a pretty hefty character, being the freaking King of Atlantis and all! Let's go with the older, grizzled version of Aquaman, the one with the beard and the Captain Hook hand. I know he's overused at this point, but I think Mr. Jolie himself, Brad Pitt, might be able to get Aquaman right, as long as they focus less on his "hunk factor" and more on his 'I'm an older guy with a big burden on my shoulders factor". One of Aquaman's biggest character traits that separates him from the rest is that he's a father. And if anybody knows about taking care of kids, it'd be the man who adopts foreign children like he's ordering take-out. Throw in Jamie Foxx as his archenemy Black Manta and you're good to go.
Martian Manhunter? Piece of cake. His story would make a great movie. He's essentially a Martian who gets teleported to Earth by a mad scientist. The scientist then dies before he has a chance to finish his experiments, and Manhunter escapes the lab. He's unable to return home, so he roams the Earth, assumes a human identity, and tries to fit in to avoid being experimented on whilst continuously searching for a means of getting back to Mars. Giancarlo Esposito (who plays Gustavo on Breaking Bad and the Magic Mirror on Once Upon A Time) certainly has a way of making humans seem inhuman, and vice versa. I think he could pull off the Manhunter very nicely. Boom. Done.
The Flash. He's trickier, yes, but not impossible. First of all, let's avoid the obvious dumb Hollywood route and NOT cast Ryan Reynolds again, for the fourteenth time, in a superhero picture. Flash is a redheaded fellow with a smart-ass attitude, so I'd like to see him played by Zack Ward. If you're a fan of A Christmas Story, you'll remember l'il Zack as the bully, Scut Farkas. I'm not too familiar with the Flash storylines, but considering there's been about 50 bjillion people to step into the red-and-yellow Flash spandex at one point or another, I'm sure there's gotta be some script fuel in there somewhere. I think his archenemy is a chubby guy with a snow theme named Captain Cold, so let's toss Phillip Seymour Hoffman into an oversized blue parka and Bob's your uncle.
That leaves Wonder Woman. Now she is tricky. Much like Thor of Marvel Comics fame, WW stands apart from the rest in that she's literally descended from Greek gods and has the strength of the Amazonians, or something like that. To the extent of my knowledge, she & a bunch of powerful women got exiled to an island by Hercules (who, it turns out, is kind of a douchebag), and Wonder Woman became a leader on that island, until a World War II pilot crashed down there and she became sucked into the world of normal mortals. I guess this could still work. Substitute World War II for...whatever we call the war that's happening right now, with the terror and whatnot. As for who could play her...we've all heard so many theories, and many of them could work, too. Again, like Aquaman, Wonder Woman should be attractive, but not in an unrealistic and distracting way *coughMichaelBaycough*. She's a ruler who's had to make a lot of tough decisions, and she carries quite the burden on those supple shoulders of hers: that burden should never be overshadowed by her looks. Anyone from Cobie Smulders to Natalie Portman to Elizabeth Hurley have been rumored for the role. Personally, I think Mila Kunis might work. Then stick Rhona Mitra in there as the Cheetah (her primary antagonist), and that's all you need. Wonder Woman herself already contains so many powerful themes to support a script and its sequel, that there's not much room for error as far as story is concerned.
And there you have it. Put together these last five movies, let them marinate for a year or so, then shake well and serve up an ice cold pitcher of Justice. It can be done, Warner Bros. You have the technology. You have the money. You have the rights. Go for it. But (and I leave you with this as my final thought, friends) just because someone can do something, doesn't mean they should. Warner Brothers shouldn't do a damn thing unless they're setting out to make a quality movie series with fun, engaging characters & plotlines. If they're gonna crank out 5 pieces of shit and one huge diarrhea crossover just so they can stand neck-and-neck with Marvel and chuckle, "Me too! Hyuck! Hyuck!", then they'll get a serious wake-up call once all the bad reviews come rolling in. Quality comes first, always.
Also, Warner Brothers, call me. I will totally write those six Green Lantern movies for FREE.
I'm not joking.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Super Fly
This post took a little longer than normal, because it involved a fair bit more research than I'm normally used to (that, and I just recently began a new job as a Starbucks barista, which is every bit as green and coffee-scented as it sounds).
So, why are we here this week? I'm hoping we can talk about a little piece of pop culture that's on everybody's mind right now. A certain little movie that opened May 4th, went on to gross unfathomable amounts of money worldwide, and shattered opening-weekend box office records previously held by the likes of Harry Potter and The Dark Knight. The little movie in question has become something of a phenomenon, the fruits of labors that began way back in 2007 with five whole other movies to back it up. The film that's sure to go down in history as one of the most successful big-budget endeavors ever made by the industry. I'm referring, of course, to The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. No, wait, it's the other one, the one where the superheroes punch things.
The Avengers is a shining example of how to do something ballsy, fun, and RIGHT. It's a culmination of almost a decade of work from some of the best Hollywood has to offer. Most people said it couldn't be done, and -in all honesty -they could very well have been proven right, had less capable hands been at work here. But instead, we've been treated to six solid movies that break the mold in terms of what the current film industry is capable of. It was a huge risk, and they pulled it off with A+s across the board on their very first attempt. Long story short, if you haven't seen The Avengers yet, please don't waste your time reading this rubbish. Go. Now. Enjoy.
I'm not going to write any detailed review or analysis of The Avengers, because I'm sure it's been articulated in much better ways already. Instead, I'd like to ruminate on how this is going to affect the movie world from now on. Namely, are long-term, multiple-movie crossovers going to become a new thing? Well, now that the numbers are rolling in for opening weekend (and I needn't remind you, these are some hefty numbers we're talking about here), I'm sure studio execs are coming to the slow realization of what everybody else has already always known: FAN SERVICE + BIG, GROUNDBREAKING CROSSOVER SERIES + QUALITY = MONEY! Wow! Who knew, right?! Once the whole "D-uh!" aspect of that kicks in, maybe producers will start being more open to adaptation ideas that are a little more comfortable with their source material.
Here's some dialogue from a pitch meeting. I'm fairly certain this is how it went, word-for-word:
EXECUTIVE #1: Let's make a movie called Wolverine.
EXECUTIVE #2: Sure! Should we add in some of the other famous Marvel superhero characters in there, too?
EXECUTIVE #1: Only one or two. Make the majority of them a bunch of unimportant, throwaway characters that absolutely nobody cares about. THAT'S what comic book fans are looking for!
EXECUTIVE #2: Okay! Should we make all of the characters look, act, and dress exactly like they do in the comics?
EXECUTIVE #1: No, that's for amateurs. We're Hollywood. We're the BIG boys. Comic book characters shouldn't look, act, or dress like comic book characters. That's not what all those legions of comic book fans want to see! The characters should be completely different, unrelatable, unlikable, and just wear black trenchcoats, because black trenchcoats are cool. THAT'S what'll put butts in the seats!
EXECUTIVE #2: That's such a good idea!
EXECUTIVE #1: I know, right?! I make $250,000 a year!
Now here's another pitch meeting. Let's spot the differences!
EXECUTIVE #1: Let's make a movie based off of the Avengers. But first, all of the individual characters will have their own solo movie series so they can grow on audiences and be more fleshed out, so that when the time comes for The Avengers we can focus on more action and plot development. Plus, the first five movies will make a TON of money, which we can use to fund The Avengers and make it one big, solid action blockbuster!
EXECUTIVE #2: Great idea! Should we add a bunch of other famous Marvel superhero characters in there, too?
EXECUTIVE #1: Yes, absolutely. As many big name heroes and villains as we can. The ones people love & remember from the comics.
EXECUTIVE #2: Speaking of the comics, should the characters dress like they do in the comics, too? Because we have about 3,000 black trenchcoats left over from the Wolverine set.
EXECUTIVE #1: No thanks. Let's get them in their genuine, colourful costumes. Fans will love that.
Wolverine's total box office gross? Approximately $180 million. Reviews range from poor to mediocre to poorly mediocre. The Avengers total box office gross? $207 million and counting. Reviews range from "two thumbs way up" to "that was so good I think I pooped my pants".
I really don't think there's anything else to say except let's hope and pray that Marvel Studios makes more of these (which they are, according to news websites everywhere). Also, to all of the people involved: to the talented actors and screenwriters, to the producers who believed in the project and took the chance, to the directors who brought it all to life on anamorphic wide screen: thank you. From all of us crazy comic book fans. Thank you very, very much.
Next week: let's take what we learned here, and see if we can put it to good use somewhere else. Namely, the flip side of the comic book world. I'm going to theorize and (if you'll indulge me) geek out a little bit on where I think a certain company should take their film projects next. I'll be looking at it through the eyes of a writer, an actor, and (most importantly) a fan who just wants to go out and have a good time at the movies. So if any of you out there happen to have some pull over at the offices of Warner Brothers Studios...this next song's for you, baby. ;)
So, why are we here this week? I'm hoping we can talk about a little piece of pop culture that's on everybody's mind right now. A certain little movie that opened May 4th, went on to gross unfathomable amounts of money worldwide, and shattered opening-weekend box office records previously held by the likes of Harry Potter and The Dark Knight. The little movie in question has become something of a phenomenon, the fruits of labors that began way back in 2007 with five whole other movies to back it up. The film that's sure to go down in history as one of the most successful big-budget endeavors ever made by the industry. I'm referring, of course, to The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. No, wait, it's the other one, the one where the superheroes punch things.
The Avengers is a shining example of how to do something ballsy, fun, and RIGHT. It's a culmination of almost a decade of work from some of the best Hollywood has to offer. Most people said it couldn't be done, and -in all honesty -they could very well have been proven right, had less capable hands been at work here. But instead, we've been treated to six solid movies that break the mold in terms of what the current film industry is capable of. It was a huge risk, and they pulled it off with A+s across the board on their very first attempt. Long story short, if you haven't seen The Avengers yet, please don't waste your time reading this rubbish. Go. Now. Enjoy.
I'm not going to write any detailed review or analysis of The Avengers, because I'm sure it's been articulated in much better ways already. Instead, I'd like to ruminate on how this is going to affect the movie world from now on. Namely, are long-term, multiple-movie crossovers going to become a new thing? Well, now that the numbers are rolling in for opening weekend (and I needn't remind you, these are some hefty numbers we're talking about here), I'm sure studio execs are coming to the slow realization of what everybody else has already always known: FAN SERVICE + BIG, GROUNDBREAKING CROSSOVER SERIES + QUALITY = MONEY! Wow! Who knew, right?! Once the whole "D-uh!" aspect of that kicks in, maybe producers will start being more open to adaptation ideas that are a little more comfortable with their source material.
Here's some dialogue from a pitch meeting. I'm fairly certain this is how it went, word-for-word:
EXECUTIVE #1: Let's make a movie called Wolverine.
EXECUTIVE #2: Sure! Should we add in some of the other famous Marvel superhero characters in there, too?
EXECUTIVE #1: Only one or two. Make the majority of them a bunch of unimportant, throwaway characters that absolutely nobody cares about. THAT'S what comic book fans are looking for!
EXECUTIVE #2: Okay! Should we make all of the characters look, act, and dress exactly like they do in the comics?
EXECUTIVE #1: No, that's for amateurs. We're Hollywood. We're the BIG boys. Comic book characters shouldn't look, act, or dress like comic book characters. That's not what all those legions of comic book fans want to see! The characters should be completely different, unrelatable, unlikable, and just wear black trenchcoats, because black trenchcoats are cool. THAT'S what'll put butts in the seats!
EXECUTIVE #2: That's such a good idea!
EXECUTIVE #1: I know, right?! I make $250,000 a year!
Now here's another pitch meeting. Let's spot the differences!
EXECUTIVE #1: Let's make a movie based off of the Avengers. But first, all of the individual characters will have their own solo movie series so they can grow on audiences and be more fleshed out, so that when the time comes for The Avengers we can focus on more action and plot development. Plus, the first five movies will make a TON of money, which we can use to fund The Avengers and make it one big, solid action blockbuster!
EXECUTIVE #2: Great idea! Should we add a bunch of other famous Marvel superhero characters in there, too?
EXECUTIVE #1: Yes, absolutely. As many big name heroes and villains as we can. The ones people love & remember from the comics.
EXECUTIVE #2: Speaking of the comics, should the characters dress like they do in the comics, too? Because we have about 3,000 black trenchcoats left over from the Wolverine set.
EXECUTIVE #1: No thanks. Let's get them in their genuine, colourful costumes. Fans will love that.
Wolverine's total box office gross? Approximately $180 million. Reviews range from poor to mediocre to poorly mediocre. The Avengers total box office gross? $207 million and counting. Reviews range from "two thumbs way up" to "that was so good I think I pooped my pants".
I really don't think there's anything else to say except let's hope and pray that Marvel Studios makes more of these (which they are, according to news websites everywhere). Also, to all of the people involved: to the talented actors and screenwriters, to the producers who believed in the project and took the chance, to the directors who brought it all to life on anamorphic wide screen: thank you. From all of us crazy comic book fans. Thank you very, very much.
Next week: let's take what we learned here, and see if we can put it to good use somewhere else. Namely, the flip side of the comic book world. I'm going to theorize and (if you'll indulge me) geek out a little bit on where I think a certain company should take their film projects next. I'll be looking at it through the eyes of a writer, an actor, and (most importantly) a fan who just wants to go out and have a good time at the movies. So if any of you out there happen to have some pull over at the offices of Warner Brothers Studios...this next song's for you, baby. ;)
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Settling the Score, Part 2
No sense wasting time on preamble here, is there? For those of you waiting on the edge of your proverbial seats for the conclusion to last week's countdown, the wait is over! And for those of you have no idea what I'm talking about...well, if you're the kind of person who reads an article labelled 'Part 2' without having read Part 1 first, then please seek professional help.
#8
UP Composed by: Michael Giacchino
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjAWAUc_33k&feature=related
Words cannot express the mad man-love I feel for Michael Giacchino. Aside from composing the sweeping score for LOST (which to date is probably THE best score I've ever heard for anything, ever, and the only reason it's not on this countdown is because I'm only dealing with films here), Giacchino's won an Academy Award for his work on Pixar's Up, and it's a well-deserved award at that. In just over 4 minutes, Giacchino takes us through the life of two sweet people who are wonderfully, happily in love with each other. He takes us through the sunny times, through the cloudy times, and through every cloudy-with-a-chance-of-sunshine-time in between. This is what romance should sound like, lads & lasses.
#7
TRANSFORMERS Composed by: Steve Jablonsky
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H0JDomv8ac
I think what makes this little tune so great is that no one was expecting it. It just doesn't feel like the kind of music one would associate with a movie whose primary means of self-promotion was a still frame of a sweaty, half-naked Megan Fox leaning over the engine of a dusty Camaro. I mean, sure, the film did blast its share of Linkin Parks and Wu-Tang Clans, but for the most part it had a pretty solid score based on a musical formula that would've fit anything Peter Jackson or Ridley Scott worked on. So points go to the big fucking robots for sounding so big fucking pretty! And Megan, for God's sake, please start returning my phone calls.
#6
BEVERLY HILLS COP Composed by: Harold Faltermeyer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IG8EdbrSVtc
If movie scores from the 80s could be summed up in one all-encompassing song, I think this would be it. Every one of the Beverly Hills Cop films plays this mercilessly, which means you WILL be humming it to yourself for hours afterwards. There is no escaping the endless humming. I'm pretty sure this eventually turned into a European dance hit, then an Internet meme, and from there it just got out of control. But this is where it all began: back in the days when Eddie Murphy being cast in a movie was a good thing. Remember that?
#5
GHOSTBUSTERS Performed by: Ray Parker Jr.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9We2XsVZfc&feature=fvst
When the song from an incredibly popular movie becomes just as popular as the movie itself, you know you've done something right. Go ahead: walk into any crowded store in any mall, stand in the middle of all the commotion, and bellow "Who you gonna call?"in as loud a voice as possible. At least one person in that store is going to respond by enthusiastically yelling this movie's title. All of the other people will probably call mall security. But at least you've proved a point.
#4
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN Performed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EynZ65x6Tmo
I think the best way to explain the reason this song works so well is that it literally sounds like adventure. If we were to some day make contact with an extraterrestrial race whose ears functioned in such a way that they could only be spoken to via musical notes, and these extraterrestrials were to say to us, "I've been told that you humans have a fondness for this thing called 'adventure'. What is adventure, exactly?", all we would have to do is play this song for them, at which point the aliens would respond with, "Oh, I understand! Adventure is a bunch of men in puffy sleeves sword-fighting one another atop random moving objects in extreme conditions with fun undertones to juxtapose all of the violent, terrifying things that are going on!" We would then tell the aliens that they're probably reading a bit too much into this, but, yes, that's exactly right.
#3
THE DA VINCI CODE Composed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5FyRZbqfeM
Zimmer, you handsome, talented subject of all my envious fantasies, you've certainly been hogging a lot of space on this countdown! Careful, if Danny Elfman gets wind of this, he might throw a tuba through your front window in a fit of jealous rage! The Da Vinci Code is a movie about a man named Robert Langdon making discoveries, both literally and spiritually within himself. And since both kinds of discoveries can be beautiful, haunting, and mysterious, Zimmer gives us this goosebump-inducing piece of music to illustrate that. I wouldn't be opposed to this kind of thing playing at my funeral...right after "The Thong Song", of course.
#2
SUPERMAN Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9vrfEoc8_g
Sure, Batman is nice and broody and everything, but if you're not into the emo superheroes who spend all of their free time contemplating new and exciting ways to slit their own wrists, then Superman and all of his amazing friends are right up your alley. This is one of the most victorious, heroic songs ever composed. There are eerie magical powers in these notes: they have the ability to make grown men and women toss aside their inhibitions, rip open their shirts, and extend their arms out in front of them with fists clenched, pretending to dodge asteroids or shoot heat beams from their eyes. I've been told that some types of crystal meth have been known to produce a similar result. The only difference is that the Superman theme doesn't need to be cooked or sold on a street corner by a toothless hooker named Agatha.
*DRUM ROLL* And my #1 Favouritest Movie Theme Ev-ar is....
#1
THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY Composed by: Ennio Morricone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQGGQ-FCe_w
It has now been over 120 years since the Golden Days of what we affectionately refer to as "The Wild West", so nobody alive today -with the possible exception of Mickey Rooney -has any idea what the Wild West was actually like. But if one wanted to experience it, one need only listen to this immortal tune. Click on the link above and listen for yourself: everything, literally everything you typically think of when you think of the Wild West can be heard in this two-and-a-half minute theme. If the Wild West makes you think of harmonicas, acoustic guitars, whistling cowboys, clinking spurs, galloping horses, Indian war drums, steam trains chugging along steel tracks, coyotes howling in the prairie, rattlesnakes shaking their tails in the high grass, the trumpeting of a cavalry charge, revolvers being fired, or stagecoach whips being cracked...you will hear ALL of that in this one simple but effective song. The West could not have been captured more perfectly than it is right here. To hell with virtual reality simulators: this puts you right in the middle of a dusty frontier, where you can almost see all of the aforementioned things passing by before disappearing into the sun-baked haze for parts unknown. This isn't a song about the Wild West; this is the Wild West. And therefore, for sheer authenticity alone, it's #1 in my books.
But enough about me, true believers. What do you think? What pieces of music make you quiver with delight? Please share. Preferably in graphic detail. Preferably over a drink or two at 10 o'clock tonight. We can meet in the Moonlight Lounge. I'll be the one wearing a cowboy hat. ;)
#8
UP Composed by: Michael Giacchino
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjAWAUc_33k&feature=related
Words cannot express the mad man-love I feel for Michael Giacchino. Aside from composing the sweeping score for LOST (which to date is probably THE best score I've ever heard for anything, ever, and the only reason it's not on this countdown is because I'm only dealing with films here), Giacchino's won an Academy Award for his work on Pixar's Up, and it's a well-deserved award at that. In just over 4 minutes, Giacchino takes us through the life of two sweet people who are wonderfully, happily in love with each other. He takes us through the sunny times, through the cloudy times, and through every cloudy-with-a-chance-of-sunshine-time in between. This is what romance should sound like, lads & lasses.
#7
TRANSFORMERS Composed by: Steve Jablonsky
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H0JDomv8ac
I think what makes this little tune so great is that no one was expecting it. It just doesn't feel like the kind of music one would associate with a movie whose primary means of self-promotion was a still frame of a sweaty, half-naked Megan Fox leaning over the engine of a dusty Camaro. I mean, sure, the film did blast its share of Linkin Parks and Wu-Tang Clans, but for the most part it had a pretty solid score based on a musical formula that would've fit anything Peter Jackson or Ridley Scott worked on. So points go to the big fucking robots for sounding so big fucking pretty! And Megan, for God's sake, please start returning my phone calls.
#6
BEVERLY HILLS COP Composed by: Harold Faltermeyer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IG8EdbrSVtc
If movie scores from the 80s could be summed up in one all-encompassing song, I think this would be it. Every one of the Beverly Hills Cop films plays this mercilessly, which means you WILL be humming it to yourself for hours afterwards. There is no escaping the endless humming. I'm pretty sure this eventually turned into a European dance hit, then an Internet meme, and from there it just got out of control. But this is where it all began: back in the days when Eddie Murphy being cast in a movie was a good thing. Remember that?
#5
GHOSTBUSTERS Performed by: Ray Parker Jr.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9We2XsVZfc&feature=fvst
When the song from an incredibly popular movie becomes just as popular as the movie itself, you know you've done something right. Go ahead: walk into any crowded store in any mall, stand in the middle of all the commotion, and bellow "Who you gonna call?"in as loud a voice as possible. At least one person in that store is going to respond by enthusiastically yelling this movie's title. All of the other people will probably call mall security. But at least you've proved a point.
#4
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN Performed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EynZ65x6Tmo
I think the best way to explain the reason this song works so well is that it literally sounds like adventure. If we were to some day make contact with an extraterrestrial race whose ears functioned in such a way that they could only be spoken to via musical notes, and these extraterrestrials were to say to us, "I've been told that you humans have a fondness for this thing called 'adventure'. What is adventure, exactly?", all we would have to do is play this song for them, at which point the aliens would respond with, "Oh, I understand! Adventure is a bunch of men in puffy sleeves sword-fighting one another atop random moving objects in extreme conditions with fun undertones to juxtapose all of the violent, terrifying things that are going on!" We would then tell the aliens that they're probably reading a bit too much into this, but, yes, that's exactly right.
#3
THE DA VINCI CODE Composed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5FyRZbqfeM
Zimmer, you handsome, talented subject of all my envious fantasies, you've certainly been hogging a lot of space on this countdown! Careful, if Danny Elfman gets wind of this, he might throw a tuba through your front window in a fit of jealous rage! The Da Vinci Code is a movie about a man named Robert Langdon making discoveries, both literally and spiritually within himself. And since both kinds of discoveries can be beautiful, haunting, and mysterious, Zimmer gives us this goosebump-inducing piece of music to illustrate that. I wouldn't be opposed to this kind of thing playing at my funeral...right after "The Thong Song", of course.
#2
SUPERMAN Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9vrfEoc8_g
Sure, Batman is nice and broody and everything, but if you're not into the emo superheroes who spend all of their free time contemplating new and exciting ways to slit their own wrists, then Superman and all of his amazing friends are right up your alley. This is one of the most victorious, heroic songs ever composed. There are eerie magical powers in these notes: they have the ability to make grown men and women toss aside their inhibitions, rip open their shirts, and extend their arms out in front of them with fists clenched, pretending to dodge asteroids or shoot heat beams from their eyes. I've been told that some types of crystal meth have been known to produce a similar result. The only difference is that the Superman theme doesn't need to be cooked or sold on a street corner by a toothless hooker named Agatha.
*DRUM ROLL* And my #1 Favouritest Movie Theme Ev-ar is....
#1
THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY Composed by: Ennio Morricone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQGGQ-FCe_w
It has now been over 120 years since the Golden Days of what we affectionately refer to as "The Wild West", so nobody alive today -with the possible exception of Mickey Rooney -has any idea what the Wild West was actually like. But if one wanted to experience it, one need only listen to this immortal tune. Click on the link above and listen for yourself: everything, literally everything you typically think of when you think of the Wild West can be heard in this two-and-a-half minute theme. If the Wild West makes you think of harmonicas, acoustic guitars, whistling cowboys, clinking spurs, galloping horses, Indian war drums, steam trains chugging along steel tracks, coyotes howling in the prairie, rattlesnakes shaking their tails in the high grass, the trumpeting of a cavalry charge, revolvers being fired, or stagecoach whips being cracked...you will hear ALL of that in this one simple but effective song. The West could not have been captured more perfectly than it is right here. To hell with virtual reality simulators: this puts you right in the middle of a dusty frontier, where you can almost see all of the aforementioned things passing by before disappearing into the sun-baked haze for parts unknown. This isn't a song about the Wild West; this is the Wild West. And therefore, for sheer authenticity alone, it's #1 in my books.
But enough about me, true believers. What do you think? What pieces of music make you quiver with delight? Please share. Preferably in graphic detail. Preferably over a drink or two at 10 o'clock tonight. We can meet in the Moonlight Lounge. I'll be the one wearing a cowboy hat. ;)
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Settling the Score, Part 1
There comes a time in every man's life when he has to bite the bullet and create a Top 10 list about something. I am not every man.
Whenever I mention that I have an entertainment blog where I chat about TV shows, videogames, and movies, I get a lot of people telling me, "Oh, then you should totally do an article about your Top 10 Favourite TV shows, videogames, and movies of all time!" Which normally might sound like a fun idea, but seeing as how I'm not some kind of Internet celebrity or anything, the majority of people who end up reading these posts already know me well enough to be 100% certain of what my #1 favourite TV show, videogame, and movie will be. For those of you who don't know the answer to those questions, I'll clear that up now: A) LOST, B) Assassin's Creed II, and C) A tie between Back to the Future and Star Wars. There. All done!
Still, I was intrigued by the idea of making a Top Something list, and after some moments of humming and hawing I finally came up with something that I think everyone can enjoy. Not only have I never seen this particular list done before, but it's also something that people who know me very well probably would never be able to guess.
So, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, please find enclosed my first Top Something list on TQM: my Top 16 Favourite Movie Theme Songs.
I believe a movie is only as good as its music. Imagine some of your favourite films without a score as accompaniment: be pretty boring, wouldn't they? So as a tribute to this fading art, I humbly present to you the first part of the list, with the latter half coming next week. Provided are YouTube links as well, so you can listen to your hearts' content. Now let's not waste any more time faffing about.
#16
TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY Composed by: Brad Fiedel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGrH901xMFI
This sad, unsettling little ditty is usually stuck in anyone's head for a few days after they watch a Terminator movie, and with good reason. The simple techno-beat gives it that unnatural, synthetic feeling that one gets when they look upon the Terminators (or Schwarzenegger himself, for that matter). It's the same theme from the first movie, just kicked up another notch with some more epic instrumentation and frightening glimpses of humanity's forthcoming annihilation. Also, I dare you to listen to this without sticking your thumb up into the air and slowly lowering it.
#15
FUTURAMA: BENDER'S BIG SCORE Composed by: Christopher Tyng
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt1wg7bcjxA
Generally, when a beloved TV show gets made into a movie (even if it's just a direct-to-DVD movie like this one) its a cause for celebration for the fans. And this song does nothing if not celebrate the show's glorious return. Taking the classic theme and extending it with a few rump-shaking, foot-tapping new chords, Tyng expresses the happiness of both the fans and the characters themselves. The show everyone liked has just been renewed, it's returning bigger and better than ever with an HD movie, all is right with the Futurama world. This was the perfect way to kick off this movie.
#14
THE DARK KNIGHT Composed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1B3Mgklfd0
Get used to seeing Hans Zimmer's name on this countdown: that guy can make doing taxes sound epic. While the scores for Chris Nolan's bat-flicks are somewhat simpler than those in the movies that came before, they still maintain that quality standard of awesomeness that Bat-fans have come to expect. Listening to this piece, it's easy to imagine Batman grappling across rooftops under a full Gotham moon, beating the shit out of Joker goons. The strings alone are enough to give you goosebumps. Hell, they pretty much copy-pasted this music for the Arkham Asylum videogames.
#13
INDIANA JONES Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bTpp8PQSog
This actually would have been a bit lower on the list, but it's just so gosh-darned fun I had to put it above The Dark Knight. There isn't really anything I could say to do this song credit, so let me just put it this way: play this song at a party one day when a small group of friends are around. About eight seconds into it, count how many of your friends have starting cracking invisible whips or somersaulting across your living room floor whilst pretending to evade a giant boulder that only they can see. You know when you're on a plane and the little screens in the seats show you how far the plane is progressing across its flight path? Yeah, they TOTALLY need to have this playing when that happens.
#12
STAR WARS Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXcoM_AHuk8
Star Wars is just one of those movies that is literally defined by its music. George Lucas himself has said on numerous occasions that it's essentially a dialogue-free film with score serving as the main storytelling device. With a talented composer like John Williams at his beck and call, Lucas has every right to make that claim. You need only hear the first few notes of any piece of Star Wars music and its immediately identifiable, even to non-fans. The Force is strong with William's conductor baton, you've got to give him that.
#11
SAW Composed by: Charlie Clouser
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhSHXGM7kgE
This may seem like a weird choice at first, but I really dig this song. It caps off the end of pretty much every Saw movie, and it fits every time. It's just the right kind of music to accompany the big reveal of Jigsaw's latest crazy game. Every time those strings rise to that creep-as-hell crescendo, you sit there thinking, "Oh, shit, the whole time that was happening?!" It's a also a nice little callback to a time when all horror movies had iconic themes: Halloween, Friday the 13th, etc. This is a great little piece of music, and such a kick-ass way to end these movies.
#10
BATMAN Composed by: Danny Elfman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6frI0Xjufg
All I can say here is: what a great way to musically introduce the movie-going world to the Caped Crusader. I remember every kid on the playground raising their fists with glee and leaping around humming this tune, thanks to the fact that it was adopted as the main theme of the Batman Animated Series later on. When someone says the word "Batman" to me, I don't think of a guy in black armor with a cape: I think of this ear-tickling sucker. If every movie opened with a piece of music as bitchin' as this, the terrorists would have less reasons to hate us.
#9
ROCKY Composed by: Bill Conti
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioE_O7Lm0I4
Fuck "We Are the Champions": if you want to make a lazy person less lazy, crank this piece of music on the speakers and watch the magic. This could make a 300-pound, Cheeto-scarfing shut-in leap off the couch, pull on a track suit, and go running down the street, fists swinging and knees buckling. It's the quintessential victory dance. You could literally walk down the aisle to this at your wedding day if you wanted to, and nobody would bat an eyelash. Not only does it get you pumped, but its inspirational enough that it might even bring a small tear of joy to your eyes. And when music reaches that level of excellence, you know you've got something worthy of the championship title.
That's all for now. Next week: the conclusion.
Whenever I mention that I have an entertainment blog where I chat about TV shows, videogames, and movies, I get a lot of people telling me, "Oh, then you should totally do an article about your Top 10 Favourite TV shows, videogames, and movies of all time!" Which normally might sound like a fun idea, but seeing as how I'm not some kind of Internet celebrity or anything, the majority of people who end up reading these posts already know me well enough to be 100% certain of what my #1 favourite TV show, videogame, and movie will be. For those of you who don't know the answer to those questions, I'll clear that up now: A) LOST, B) Assassin's Creed II, and C) A tie between Back to the Future and Star Wars. There. All done!
Still, I was intrigued by the idea of making a Top Something list, and after some moments of humming and hawing I finally came up with something that I think everyone can enjoy. Not only have I never seen this particular list done before, but it's also something that people who know me very well probably would never be able to guess.
So, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, please find enclosed my first Top Something list on TQM: my Top 16 Favourite Movie Theme Songs.
I believe a movie is only as good as its music. Imagine some of your favourite films without a score as accompaniment: be pretty boring, wouldn't they? So as a tribute to this fading art, I humbly present to you the first part of the list, with the latter half coming next week. Provided are YouTube links as well, so you can listen to your hearts' content. Now let's not waste any more time faffing about.
#16
TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY Composed by: Brad Fiedel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGrH901xMFI
This sad, unsettling little ditty is usually stuck in anyone's head for a few days after they watch a Terminator movie, and with good reason. The simple techno-beat gives it that unnatural, synthetic feeling that one gets when they look upon the Terminators (or Schwarzenegger himself, for that matter). It's the same theme from the first movie, just kicked up another notch with some more epic instrumentation and frightening glimpses of humanity's forthcoming annihilation. Also, I dare you to listen to this without sticking your thumb up into the air and slowly lowering it.
#15
FUTURAMA: BENDER'S BIG SCORE Composed by: Christopher Tyng
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt1wg7bcjxA
Generally, when a beloved TV show gets made into a movie (even if it's just a direct-to-DVD movie like this one) its a cause for celebration for the fans. And this song does nothing if not celebrate the show's glorious return. Taking the classic theme and extending it with a few rump-shaking, foot-tapping new chords, Tyng expresses the happiness of both the fans and the characters themselves. The show everyone liked has just been renewed, it's returning bigger and better than ever with an HD movie, all is right with the Futurama world. This was the perfect way to kick off this movie.
#14
THE DARK KNIGHT Composed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1B3Mgklfd0
Get used to seeing Hans Zimmer's name on this countdown: that guy can make doing taxes sound epic. While the scores for Chris Nolan's bat-flicks are somewhat simpler than those in the movies that came before, they still maintain that quality standard of awesomeness that Bat-fans have come to expect. Listening to this piece, it's easy to imagine Batman grappling across rooftops under a full Gotham moon, beating the shit out of Joker goons. The strings alone are enough to give you goosebumps. Hell, they pretty much copy-pasted this music for the Arkham Asylum videogames.
#13
INDIANA JONES Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bTpp8PQSog
This actually would have been a bit lower on the list, but it's just so gosh-darned fun I had to put it above The Dark Knight. There isn't really anything I could say to do this song credit, so let me just put it this way: play this song at a party one day when a small group of friends are around. About eight seconds into it, count how many of your friends have starting cracking invisible whips or somersaulting across your living room floor whilst pretending to evade a giant boulder that only they can see. You know when you're on a plane and the little screens in the seats show you how far the plane is progressing across its flight path? Yeah, they TOTALLY need to have this playing when that happens.
#12
STAR WARS Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXcoM_AHuk8
Star Wars is just one of those movies that is literally defined by its music. George Lucas himself has said on numerous occasions that it's essentially a dialogue-free film with score serving as the main storytelling device. With a talented composer like John Williams at his beck and call, Lucas has every right to make that claim. You need only hear the first few notes of any piece of Star Wars music and its immediately identifiable, even to non-fans. The Force is strong with William's conductor baton, you've got to give him that.
#11
SAW Composed by: Charlie Clouser
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhSHXGM7kgE
This may seem like a weird choice at first, but I really dig this song. It caps off the end of pretty much every Saw movie, and it fits every time. It's just the right kind of music to accompany the big reveal of Jigsaw's latest crazy game. Every time those strings rise to that creep-as-hell crescendo, you sit there thinking, "Oh, shit, the whole time that was happening?!" It's a also a nice little callback to a time when all horror movies had iconic themes: Halloween, Friday the 13th, etc. This is a great little piece of music, and such a kick-ass way to end these movies.
#10
BATMAN Composed by: Danny Elfman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6frI0Xjufg
All I can say here is: what a great way to musically introduce the movie-going world to the Caped Crusader. I remember every kid on the playground raising their fists with glee and leaping around humming this tune, thanks to the fact that it was adopted as the main theme of the Batman Animated Series later on. When someone says the word "Batman" to me, I don't think of a guy in black armor with a cape: I think of this ear-tickling sucker. If every movie opened with a piece of music as bitchin' as this, the terrorists would have less reasons to hate us.
#9
ROCKY Composed by: Bill Conti
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioE_O7Lm0I4
Fuck "We Are the Champions": if you want to make a lazy person less lazy, crank this piece of music on the speakers and watch the magic. This could make a 300-pound, Cheeto-scarfing shut-in leap off the couch, pull on a track suit, and go running down the street, fists swinging and knees buckling. It's the quintessential victory dance. You could literally walk down the aisle to this at your wedding day if you wanted to, and nobody would bat an eyelash. Not only does it get you pumped, but its inspirational enough that it might even bring a small tear of joy to your eyes. And when music reaches that level of excellence, you know you've got something worthy of the championship title.
That's all for now. Next week: the conclusion.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Force Perspective
Boys and girls, I think the time has come to have "the talk". I know your mother says you're still too young and it might be awkward and confusing for you, but you all have to hear about this sometime, and I'd rather tell you myself than have you hear it out on the streets somewhere. I believe you're all old enough and mature enough now to have this discussion. So put on a pot of coffee, slide into your bunny slippers, and get comfortable, kids.
Today we're going to talk about Star Wars.
WAIT! Please, hold on a sec here, don't exit this blog in disgust just yet. At least wait and hear out what I've got to say. I know that to most people these days, hearing the words "let's talk about Star Wars" sounds about as appealing as "let's talk about the ASTM standards for bias & precision in various applications". But what I want to tell you is a bit more serious than all of that.
See, with The Phantom Menace being re-released last month (in 3-D!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT THE KEYS!!!!!) I felt compelled to finally speak my peace about these movies, to say what I've been holding in since 1999. I feel the time is now right, thirteen years later, to get it all out in the open once and for all. My thesis for today's discussion, boys & girls, is this: I think the Star Wars prequels are just as good as the originals.
Again, WAIT! Remember, I believe you're all mature enough now to listen to this sort of thing without throwing a temper tantrum and stomping your feet. Please don't prove me wrong on that front. Give me a chance to explain my reasoning here. And no, I don't believe my words are going to change anyone's opinion. Trust me, you'd literally have better luck finding the Holy Grail than you would trying to change an angry nerd's opinion on any subject, least of all where Star Wars is concerned. I'm not out to play Oprah and sway anybody's allegiances here; all I hope to accomplish is to make you hear (and possibly even reflect upon) the other side of this incredibly one-sided argument.
So, to all those of you who have already started contemplating synonyms for the word "idiot" so you can creatively insult me the next time we meet, please lower your torches and pitchforks for a moment. The reasoning behind my seemingly "mad" statement is really quite simple. I'm not some hyper-intelligent man or anything: I didn't study or analyze the socio-political commentaries or underlying messages of the six Star Wars films and arrive at some previously unforeseen academic conclusion. I'm just a regular schmuck who happens to like Star Wars and who happens to have seen these movies in my own peculiar perspective.
I was first introduced to Lucas' sci-fi opus when I was 4. During a trip to Disneyworld, I saw a Darth Vader statue on display behind a glass case, complete with a sound chip that made him breathe when anyone got near. I thought he was a scuba diver. My mom quickly explained that I was in fact an idiot, and Vader was not a scuba diver but a Dark Lord of the Sith from a series of movies called Star Wars. Upon returning home, I eventually received the trilogy on VHS as a gift. I watched them one-by-one, each one about a month apart, and took in everything that I saw. Even though they were already 15 years old at the time, they still managed to resonate with me.
For whatever reason, I never got around to seeing the Special Edition when it was in theatres, but I was still obsessed with the movies. I devoured every novel, comic book, or informative guide on the subject that I could get my grubby little hands on. I was bouncing on my heels, eagerly awaiting the forthcoming prequels promised to us by that huggable flannel monster himself, George Lucas.
The abridged version of what followed: when I was 12, The Phantom Menace was released. Saw it. Loved it. When I was 15, Attack of the Clones was released. Saw it. Loved it. When I was 18, Revenge of the Sith was released. Saw it. Loved it.
But why? Why did I love them? Why did I harbor fondness for three movies that were so universally hated, you'd think the cast & crew were in league with Kony or something (relevant cultural reference: ZING!). Like I said, the answer is very simple. I loved them because they're just as good as the originals.
If you want to talk about the overuse of CG, that's fine. I get that. That's obviously the kinda movie Lucas wants to make, though, and had he held off on making the originals until 1999, they would have been full of CG, too. The creature puppets are fantastic, nobody can argue that. But CG's not what I'm here to talk about. If you hated the prequels strictly because you hate CG, then I hate to break it to you, friend, but that's not their fault: it's yours. Your tastes just ain't suited to a modern day film made by George Lucas. If you generally hate Chinese food and then complain that "that new Chinese food restaurant sucked"...sorry, but, you're digging in the wrong place.
The acting & dialogue? Now that's a big concern. And I'm not a completely blind idiot here: I'm defending the prequels, yes, but I'll be first to admit, there were times when the acting & the words being spoken made me cringe. But let's be honest with each other, kids: nobody remembers the originals for any stellar acting moments, either. I've had over two dozen different drama teachers in my lifetime, and none of them have ever asked me to read and analyze the intricacies of Princess Leia's "Help Me" monologue. Remember, these are the same screenwriters who made critically-acclaimed classical actor Sir Alec Guinness speak the words "I don't seem to remember ever owning a droid." But we still loved those movies.
Jar Jar Binks. ........................ Sorry, just wanted to let that set in for a moment and give people a moment to fume. Again, Jar Jar Binks. Annoying? Absolutely. Overused? Definitely. Strangely erotic? Hey, if you like, I'm not here to pass judgment. Is that so different from the Ewoks? Was Wicket W. Warrick annoying and overused? You bet. And apart from the Ewoks and the Gungans having roughly the same grasp on the English language, both of them aided our hero characters in leading a revolt against the antagonists. The only difference I can see? Ewoks have fur. But we still loved those movies.
How about the general silliness of it all? The ridiculous use of the word "younglings", the cheesy romance, the wacky alien creatures, the groan-worthy puns...the prequels had it all in spades, didn't they? But were the originals any less silly? Did everyone in 1977 really just sit back and think, "There's totally nothing strange about an 8-foot tall Wookiee who growls like a dog. I buy that."? Did anybody rise angrily out of their seats when the Emperor first started shooting lightning and yell, "Bullshit! That's way too absurd for me!!!"? For those of you who scowl with outrage whenever you hear the words "clone army" or watch the Podrace scene...you do know that laser swords are IMPOSSIBLE, right? That's why it's called science-FICTION.
I don't love everything about the Star Wars movies, kids. I don't love everything about the prequels, and I don't love everything about the originals. I can recognize good parts and bad parts and even awful parts, but I know a good story when I see one, and at the end of the day all of the positive outweighs the negative a hundredfold.
The playwright George Bernard Shaw once said something that I believe is the single most important quote in my life, literally the words I strive to live by day-by-day. Mr. Shaw said, "We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing." A majority of the people who hail the Star Wars prequels as the coming of the AntiChrist generally saw the original movies when they were much younger, as did I. But those people, in my humble opinion, "stopped playing". They grew up, took things like Star Wars a little more seriously than they should have, and as a result they lost out on experiencing three movies that deliver just as much excitement, adventure, and FUN (everyone who hated the prequels, please look this word up in the dictionary as a refresher) as the first three flicks.
Star Wars didn't change. It didn't get worse or stagnate. YOU did, kids. That doesn't make the prequels bad movies, and that doesn't make you bad people: all we have here are two factors that were once compatible, but no longer are. 8-year-olds in 1977 didn't give a flying fuck about "acting" or "dialogue" or "believability": those are ugly, boring grown-up words that adults say out loud in front of other adults in order to give off the appearance of being "mature" and "sophisticated". 8-year-olds saw lightsabers, aliens, robots, spaceships, and monsters, and that was pure perfection for them. If you liked lightsabers, aliens, robots, spaceships, and monsters back then...then the only thing preventing you from liking them again now is that now you have a mortgage and you're bitter because you found your first grey hair and you really want that raise but John from HR hasn't been returning your e-mails and you've been trying to save up to renovate the basement and...so on.
To me,the Star Wars prequels are as good as their predecessors because they did what we should all strive to do: they never stopped playing.
So go out there and have fun. Take your kids to the park. Take your wife out for ice cream. Wear a silly tie to work. Dance in the middle of your kitchen, even if there's no music playing. Use those alphabet magnets on your fridge to spell out dirty words. Roll around in the grass with your dog. Become a Jedi Knight like your father. PLAY.
May the Force be with you.
Today we're going to talk about Star Wars.
WAIT! Please, hold on a sec here, don't exit this blog in disgust just yet. At least wait and hear out what I've got to say. I know that to most people these days, hearing the words "let's talk about Star Wars" sounds about as appealing as "let's talk about the ASTM standards for bias & precision in various applications". But what I want to tell you is a bit more serious than all of that.
See, with The Phantom Menace being re-released last month (in 3-D!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT THE KEYS!!!!!) I felt compelled to finally speak my peace about these movies, to say what I've been holding in since 1999. I feel the time is now right, thirteen years later, to get it all out in the open once and for all. My thesis for today's discussion, boys & girls, is this: I think the Star Wars prequels are just as good as the originals.
Again, WAIT! Remember, I believe you're all mature enough now to listen to this sort of thing without throwing a temper tantrum and stomping your feet. Please don't prove me wrong on that front. Give me a chance to explain my reasoning here. And no, I don't believe my words are going to change anyone's opinion. Trust me, you'd literally have better luck finding the Holy Grail than you would trying to change an angry nerd's opinion on any subject, least of all where Star Wars is concerned. I'm not out to play Oprah and sway anybody's allegiances here; all I hope to accomplish is to make you hear (and possibly even reflect upon) the other side of this incredibly one-sided argument.
So, to all those of you who have already started contemplating synonyms for the word "idiot" so you can creatively insult me the next time we meet, please lower your torches and pitchforks for a moment. The reasoning behind my seemingly "mad" statement is really quite simple. I'm not some hyper-intelligent man or anything: I didn't study or analyze the socio-political commentaries or underlying messages of the six Star Wars films and arrive at some previously unforeseen academic conclusion. I'm just a regular schmuck who happens to like Star Wars and who happens to have seen these movies in my own peculiar perspective.
I was first introduced to Lucas' sci-fi opus when I was 4. During a trip to Disneyworld, I saw a Darth Vader statue on display behind a glass case, complete with a sound chip that made him breathe when anyone got near. I thought he was a scuba diver. My mom quickly explained that I was in fact an idiot, and Vader was not a scuba diver but a Dark Lord of the Sith from a series of movies called Star Wars. Upon returning home, I eventually received the trilogy on VHS as a gift. I watched them one-by-one, each one about a month apart, and took in everything that I saw. Even though they were already 15 years old at the time, they still managed to resonate with me.
For whatever reason, I never got around to seeing the Special Edition when it was in theatres, but I was still obsessed with the movies. I devoured every novel, comic book, or informative guide on the subject that I could get my grubby little hands on. I was bouncing on my heels, eagerly awaiting the forthcoming prequels promised to us by that huggable flannel monster himself, George Lucas.
The abridged version of what followed: when I was 12, The Phantom Menace was released. Saw it. Loved it. When I was 15, Attack of the Clones was released. Saw it. Loved it. When I was 18, Revenge of the Sith was released. Saw it. Loved it.
But why? Why did I love them? Why did I harbor fondness for three movies that were so universally hated, you'd think the cast & crew were in league with Kony or something (relevant cultural reference: ZING!). Like I said, the answer is very simple. I loved them because they're just as good as the originals.
If you want to talk about the overuse of CG, that's fine. I get that. That's obviously the kinda movie Lucas wants to make, though, and had he held off on making the originals until 1999, they would have been full of CG, too. The creature puppets are fantastic, nobody can argue that. But CG's not what I'm here to talk about. If you hated the prequels strictly because you hate CG, then I hate to break it to you, friend, but that's not their fault: it's yours. Your tastes just ain't suited to a modern day film made by George Lucas. If you generally hate Chinese food and then complain that "that new Chinese food restaurant sucked"...sorry, but, you're digging in the wrong place.
The acting & dialogue? Now that's a big concern. And I'm not a completely blind idiot here: I'm defending the prequels, yes, but I'll be first to admit, there were times when the acting & the words being spoken made me cringe. But let's be honest with each other, kids: nobody remembers the originals for any stellar acting moments, either. I've had over two dozen different drama teachers in my lifetime, and none of them have ever asked me to read and analyze the intricacies of Princess Leia's "Help Me" monologue. Remember, these are the same screenwriters who made critically-acclaimed classical actor Sir Alec Guinness speak the words "I don't seem to remember ever owning a droid." But we still loved those movies.
Jar Jar Binks. ........................ Sorry, just wanted to let that set in for a moment and give people a moment to fume. Again, Jar Jar Binks. Annoying? Absolutely. Overused? Definitely. Strangely erotic? Hey, if you like, I'm not here to pass judgment. Is that so different from the Ewoks? Was Wicket W. Warrick annoying and overused? You bet. And apart from the Ewoks and the Gungans having roughly the same grasp on the English language, both of them aided our hero characters in leading a revolt against the antagonists. The only difference I can see? Ewoks have fur. But we still loved those movies.
How about the general silliness of it all? The ridiculous use of the word "younglings", the cheesy romance, the wacky alien creatures, the groan-worthy puns...the prequels had it all in spades, didn't they? But were the originals any less silly? Did everyone in 1977 really just sit back and think, "There's totally nothing strange about an 8-foot tall Wookiee who growls like a dog. I buy that."? Did anybody rise angrily out of their seats when the Emperor first started shooting lightning and yell, "Bullshit! That's way too absurd for me!!!"? For those of you who scowl with outrage whenever you hear the words "clone army" or watch the Podrace scene...you do know that laser swords are IMPOSSIBLE, right? That's why it's called science-FICTION.
I don't love everything about the Star Wars movies, kids. I don't love everything about the prequels, and I don't love everything about the originals. I can recognize good parts and bad parts and even awful parts, but I know a good story when I see one, and at the end of the day all of the positive outweighs the negative a hundredfold.
The playwright George Bernard Shaw once said something that I believe is the single most important quote in my life, literally the words I strive to live by day-by-day. Mr. Shaw said, "We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing." A majority of the people who hail the Star Wars prequels as the coming of the AntiChrist generally saw the original movies when they were much younger, as did I. But those people, in my humble opinion, "stopped playing". They grew up, took things like Star Wars a little more seriously than they should have, and as a result they lost out on experiencing three movies that deliver just as much excitement, adventure, and FUN (everyone who hated the prequels, please look this word up in the dictionary as a refresher) as the first three flicks.
Star Wars didn't change. It didn't get worse or stagnate. YOU did, kids. That doesn't make the prequels bad movies, and that doesn't make you bad people: all we have here are two factors that were once compatible, but no longer are. 8-year-olds in 1977 didn't give a flying fuck about "acting" or "dialogue" or "believability": those are ugly, boring grown-up words that adults say out loud in front of other adults in order to give off the appearance of being "mature" and "sophisticated". 8-year-olds saw lightsabers, aliens, robots, spaceships, and monsters, and that was pure perfection for them. If you liked lightsabers, aliens, robots, spaceships, and monsters back then...then the only thing preventing you from liking them again now is that now you have a mortgage and you're bitter because you found your first grey hair and you really want that raise but John from HR hasn't been returning your e-mails and you've been trying to save up to renovate the basement and...so on.
To me,the Star Wars prequels are as good as their predecessors because they did what we should all strive to do: they never stopped playing.
So go out there and have fun. Take your kids to the park. Take your wife out for ice cream. Wear a silly tie to work. Dance in the middle of your kitchen, even if there's no music playing. Use those alphabet magnets on your fridge to spell out dirty words. Roll around in the grass with your dog. Become a Jedi Knight like your father. PLAY.
May the Force be with you.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Credit Where Credit is Due
Pop quiz: what do the following movies have in common? The Dark Knight. The Mummy Returns. Inception. Hostel. How To Train Your Dragon. Avatar.
Give up? The answer is, every single one of these films lacks both opening credits and an opening title.
I have to admit, I'm a bit confused as to why this is becoming such a popular trend in filmmaking these days. Opening credits are the lifeblood of movies. If done well, a good opening sequence can get an audience extremely pumped for the movie to follow. Want a perfect example? Look no further than 007 himself.
Quality of content notwithstanding, the James Bond flicks have one great thing going for them: they know how to open a movie with just the right sort of bang. They start us off in the heat of an action sequence somewhere, with James Bond engaged in a death-defying mission that we (as of yet) know very little about. Something extraordinary happens. Bond escapes by the skin of his neck. Maybe an explosion or two occurs. James Bond basically looks at the camera and says something along the lines of, "This is all child's play compared to what's coming next, folks!" Then...BANG. Credits. And while we sit through some horrible Sheena Easton song and watch naked animated women dance around the names of the executive producers, we're squirming with anticipation to see what's going to happen to our hedonistic British hero.
That little bit of excitement preceding the opening titles is called a teaser. Teasers can be very, very good things. They excite & stimulate an audience. They turn the upcoming 90 minutes into not just a movie, but an event. I, for one, think teasers are the cat's meow. If given millions of dollars & a camera and left to my own devices, I would never make a movie that didn't have a teaser. Of course, I'm the farthest thing from a competent director, so my movie might end up being a horrible mess that is nothing but teasers, which would strain the physical limits to such an extent that the whole thing would achieve some kind of unpleasant singularity.
Now, leaving out the title...well, that's just plain rude! It's common manners. You introduce yourself to new people, that's how interaction works.
"Hello, movie, my name is Elizabeth."
"Hello, Elizabeth. My name is Gladiator and I'll be your movie this evening. Can I start you off with a teaser?"
There. Simple. Done. Sounds much nicer than:
"Hello, movie, my name is Elizabeth."
"Hello, Elizabeth. My name is go fuck yourself."
"But Question Mark", you might exclaim, "you're overlooking an obvious answer to your problems! Credits and titles are being omitted because they want to cut down the run time of movies for today's attention-impaired, Ritalin-popping audiences!" Fair enough, I would reply, except let me direct your attention back to the list of six movies that kicked off this article. Half of them are movies directed by Chris Nolan or James Cameron: two men who definitely have NO PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER with a film being a bit on the long side.
All I hope for is that opening credits don't disappear off the face of the earth, the way good scores and colour have. Imagine a world without the Star Wars crawl. Imagine a world without Danny Elfman's Batman theme. Imagine Austin Powers without all of the nude dancing. That's not the kind of world I want to live in.
Give up? The answer is, every single one of these films lacks both opening credits and an opening title.
I have to admit, I'm a bit confused as to why this is becoming such a popular trend in filmmaking these days. Opening credits are the lifeblood of movies. If done well, a good opening sequence can get an audience extremely pumped for the movie to follow. Want a perfect example? Look no further than 007 himself.
Quality of content notwithstanding, the James Bond flicks have one great thing going for them: they know how to open a movie with just the right sort of bang. They start us off in the heat of an action sequence somewhere, with James Bond engaged in a death-defying mission that we (as of yet) know very little about. Something extraordinary happens. Bond escapes by the skin of his neck. Maybe an explosion or two occurs. James Bond basically looks at the camera and says something along the lines of, "This is all child's play compared to what's coming next, folks!" Then...BANG. Credits. And while we sit through some horrible Sheena Easton song and watch naked animated women dance around the names of the executive producers, we're squirming with anticipation to see what's going to happen to our hedonistic British hero.
That little bit of excitement preceding the opening titles is called a teaser. Teasers can be very, very good things. They excite & stimulate an audience. They turn the upcoming 90 minutes into not just a movie, but an event. I, for one, think teasers are the cat's meow. If given millions of dollars & a camera and left to my own devices, I would never make a movie that didn't have a teaser. Of course, I'm the farthest thing from a competent director, so my movie might end up being a horrible mess that is nothing but teasers, which would strain the physical limits to such an extent that the whole thing would achieve some kind of unpleasant singularity.
Now, leaving out the title...well, that's just plain rude! It's common manners. You introduce yourself to new people, that's how interaction works.
"Hello, movie, my name is Elizabeth."
"Hello, Elizabeth. My name is Gladiator and I'll be your movie this evening. Can I start you off with a teaser?"
There. Simple. Done. Sounds much nicer than:
"Hello, movie, my name is Elizabeth."
"Hello, Elizabeth. My name is go fuck yourself."
"But Question Mark", you might exclaim, "you're overlooking an obvious answer to your problems! Credits and titles are being omitted because they want to cut down the run time of movies for today's attention-impaired, Ritalin-popping audiences!" Fair enough, I would reply, except let me direct your attention back to the list of six movies that kicked off this article. Half of them are movies directed by Chris Nolan or James Cameron: two men who definitely have NO PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER with a film being a bit on the long side.
All I hope for is that opening credits don't disappear off the face of the earth, the way good scores and colour have. Imagine a world without the Star Wars crawl. Imagine a world without Danny Elfman's Batman theme. Imagine Austin Powers without all of the nude dancing. That's not the kind of world I want to live in.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Bland Boys
A while back, I happened upon a card in my mailbox that allowed me one free month of Netflix. I finally got around to starting it up, and I have to say, it's been a great way to get caught up on a bunch of movies and TV shows I've been wanting to see. Apart from watching every episode of Dollhouse, a few snippets of the X-Men cartoon, and the entire first three seasons of Breaking Bad, I also got around to watching 31 movies I hadn't seen before. Let me tell you, it was immensely refreshing to be able to watch a free movie online that didn't have obnoxious Korean subtitles taking up two-thirds of the screen.
Anyway, two of those Netflix movies are what I'd like to talk about today: a pair of action-driven, Michael Bay-helmed epics called Bad Boys and Bad Boys II.
What piqued my interest about these particular movies was the fact that everyone seemed to really like them, especially the second one. I remember the first one coming out and just being a quiet hit, but once the sequel released...everyone everywhere was talking about Bad Boys II. Friends, neighbours, fellow movie buffs, & casual movie fans alike all said it was a total must-see movie. I'd never seen either of the Bad Boys, but I love Will Smith (who doesn't?!) and I can tolerate Michael Bay films (mostly). I thought Armageddon was decent and I enjoyed the Transformers series. So I thought, hey, let's give Bad Boys a shot. From what I gathered through popular opinion, this franchise took a page from Chris Nolan's Bat-book, i.e., the first movie was a big success, but the twice-as-long, twice-as-hyped, twice-as-big, twice-as-expensive sequel was the true star of the series.
Fair enough, I thought. I'm all yours, Mr. Bay. Let's see what you've got.
Upon finally viewing these two movies, my verdict is...confused. Maybe I'm dyslexic and I've been horribly mixing up all of the hype surrounding this series, but Bad Boys II was way, way, WAAAAYYYYY worse than its predecessor.
The first Bad Boys had a really clever and cute little plot twist whereupon Martin Lawrence's character Marcus (a jittery, straight-edged family man) has to pretend to be Will Smith's character Mike (a smooth-talking, oversexed playboy) in order to secure a witness in a very important police case involving stolen heroin. That was neat, and totally not something I expected to see in a Michael Bay movie. It was fun to watch these characters struggle uncomfortably out of their element. It reminded me of the classic mistaken identity farces of Hollywood's Golden Age, and it really helped put an emphasis on the second half of that "action-comedy" nametag this series likes to wear proudly on its lapels.
Bad Boys II, on the other hand...well, I can actually review that movie without using a single word, simply by rolling my eyes and scoffing. But since you can't exactly see me doing that, here are some words.
Everything that made the first movie cool and funky and different and fun is gone. Bye-bye. Instead, prepare yourself for two hours and twenty-four minutes of non-stop, groan-inducing action movie cliches that are so in-your-face that I kept thinking I was watching a Wayans Brothers parody of a cop movie instead of the genuine article. It left we wondering if Bay and his writers had ever even seen The Last Action Hero. Literally every cop movie stereotype that The Last Action Hero makes fun of is in Bad Boys II, and they're not even being used ironically. Hero cop gets shot, but it's just "a flesh wound"? Check. High-speed car chase filled with explosions where a lot of innocent people get hurt but the cops don't seem too bothered by it? Check. Cops using flashy sports cars instead of standard-issue police cruisers? Triple check. Mismatched partners getting in silly arguments? Check. A police station that looks nicer than the main lobby of a Ritz-Carlton hotel? Check. A chief who spends every second of his screen time yelling at the two lead cops about how the Mayor is up his ass? Check. A lame, stock villain whose only character traits are "evil" and "drug lord"? Check. Slow-motion hero shots of the main characters firing their guns in a way that isn't practical at all, but it's okay because it makes them look "badass"? Check check check check che...well, you get the idea.
Are those cliches bad? Absolutely not. They're fun and exciting and delightful...in moderation. But considering that the first Bad Boys broke the mould a little bit and gave us something with a neat little spark of originality, you can understand how disappointed I was that the sequel decided to just take a shit all over that and play their safe cards from The Overused Buddy-Cop Stereotype Handbook for Dummies. What's especially puzzling is how everybody said they loved it so much more than Part 1.
Remember how I said that almost everyone loves Will Smith? Well, this movie doesn't just love him...this movie takes every single opportunity to get down on its knees, grab Will Smith by the balls, suck him off until he's satisfied, and then says, "Thank you, Will Smith, may I have another?" It was almost embarrassing to watch. I wouldn't be surprised if Bad Boys II's official movie poster was just Michelangelo's The Creation of Adam with the Fresh Prince's face superimposed over God's.
What, then, should Bad Boys II have been? Well, if you ask me, I think it was the perfect opportunity for a classic role-reversal. Take another popular movie series for example: in Toy Story, Buzz Lightyear had to deal with the fact that he was a toy. Woody kept trying to explain to him exactly what that meant, and was constantly reminding Buzz of his responsibility to Andy. In Toy Story 2, Woody was the one dealing with an identity crisis, and it was up to Buzz to bring him back. Buzz even went so far as to echo Woody's famous line from the first flick: "You are a child's plaything! You. Are. A. TOY!" If the first Bad Boys was about Martin Lawrence struggling to pretend that he was a man-whore bachelor, then Bad Boys II absolutely could have worked if it was about Will Smith struggling to pretend (for similar reasons, perhaps) that he was a happily-married suburbanite with three kids. And if they really wanted to stick to the Toy Story formula, then Bad Boys III could be about them being transferred to a different precinct, and then somehow they end up in a giant furnace room holding hands and accepting their inevitable fate, only to be pulled out of harm's way at the last second by Joe Pantoliano.
At the end of the day, what I'm most curious about is: why? Why was Bad Boys II so universally acclaimed while its superior predecessor goes largely unmentioned? Why does this mediocre sequel overshadow the better work that came before? Jaws 2 didn't overshadow Jaws. Terminator 3 didn't overshadow T2. The Return of Jafar didn't overshadow Aladdin (thank fucking Lord). Is Bad Boys II a "bad" movie? On its own, not at all. As part of the series that the first one started, though...yeah, a little bit.. What do YOU think of Bad Boys II? Perhaps this is one of life's mysteries that simply wasn't meant to be solved. Or maybe we're just better off not knowing, because the answer might turn out to be "People prefer dumb stuff". And that would just be sad.
Anyway, two of those Netflix movies are what I'd like to talk about today: a pair of action-driven, Michael Bay-helmed epics called Bad Boys and Bad Boys II.
What piqued my interest about these particular movies was the fact that everyone seemed to really like them, especially the second one. I remember the first one coming out and just being a quiet hit, but once the sequel released...everyone everywhere was talking about Bad Boys II. Friends, neighbours, fellow movie buffs, & casual movie fans alike all said it was a total must-see movie. I'd never seen either of the Bad Boys, but I love Will Smith (who doesn't?!) and I can tolerate Michael Bay films (mostly). I thought Armageddon was decent and I enjoyed the Transformers series. So I thought, hey, let's give Bad Boys a shot. From what I gathered through popular opinion, this franchise took a page from Chris Nolan's Bat-book, i.e., the first movie was a big success, but the twice-as-long, twice-as-hyped, twice-as-big, twice-as-expensive sequel was the true star of the series.
Fair enough, I thought. I'm all yours, Mr. Bay. Let's see what you've got.
Upon finally viewing these two movies, my verdict is...confused. Maybe I'm dyslexic and I've been horribly mixing up all of the hype surrounding this series, but Bad Boys II was way, way, WAAAAYYYYY worse than its predecessor.
The first Bad Boys had a really clever and cute little plot twist whereupon Martin Lawrence's character Marcus (a jittery, straight-edged family man) has to pretend to be Will Smith's character Mike (a smooth-talking, oversexed playboy) in order to secure a witness in a very important police case involving stolen heroin. That was neat, and totally not something I expected to see in a Michael Bay movie. It was fun to watch these characters struggle uncomfortably out of their element. It reminded me of the classic mistaken identity farces of Hollywood's Golden Age, and it really helped put an emphasis on the second half of that "action-comedy" nametag this series likes to wear proudly on its lapels.
Bad Boys II, on the other hand...well, I can actually review that movie without using a single word, simply by rolling my eyes and scoffing. But since you can't exactly see me doing that, here are some words.
Everything that made the first movie cool and funky and different and fun is gone. Bye-bye. Instead, prepare yourself for two hours and twenty-four minutes of non-stop, groan-inducing action movie cliches that are so in-your-face that I kept thinking I was watching a Wayans Brothers parody of a cop movie instead of the genuine article. It left we wondering if Bay and his writers had ever even seen The Last Action Hero. Literally every cop movie stereotype that The Last Action Hero makes fun of is in Bad Boys II, and they're not even being used ironically. Hero cop gets shot, but it's just "a flesh wound"? Check. High-speed car chase filled with explosions where a lot of innocent people get hurt but the cops don't seem too bothered by it? Check. Cops using flashy sports cars instead of standard-issue police cruisers? Triple check. Mismatched partners getting in silly arguments? Check. A police station that looks nicer than the main lobby of a Ritz-Carlton hotel? Check. A chief who spends every second of his screen time yelling at the two lead cops about how the Mayor is up his ass? Check. A lame, stock villain whose only character traits are "evil" and "drug lord"? Check. Slow-motion hero shots of the main characters firing their guns in a way that isn't practical at all, but it's okay because it makes them look "badass"? Check check check check che...well, you get the idea.
Are those cliches bad? Absolutely not. They're fun and exciting and delightful...in moderation. But considering that the first Bad Boys broke the mould a little bit and gave us something with a neat little spark of originality, you can understand how disappointed I was that the sequel decided to just take a shit all over that and play their safe cards from The Overused Buddy-Cop Stereotype Handbook for Dummies. What's especially puzzling is how everybody said they loved it so much more than Part 1.
Remember how I said that almost everyone loves Will Smith? Well, this movie doesn't just love him...this movie takes every single opportunity to get down on its knees, grab Will Smith by the balls, suck him off until he's satisfied, and then says, "Thank you, Will Smith, may I have another?" It was almost embarrassing to watch. I wouldn't be surprised if Bad Boys II's official movie poster was just Michelangelo's The Creation of Adam with the Fresh Prince's face superimposed over God's.
What, then, should Bad Boys II have been? Well, if you ask me, I think it was the perfect opportunity for a classic role-reversal. Take another popular movie series for example: in Toy Story, Buzz Lightyear had to deal with the fact that he was a toy. Woody kept trying to explain to him exactly what that meant, and was constantly reminding Buzz of his responsibility to Andy. In Toy Story 2, Woody was the one dealing with an identity crisis, and it was up to Buzz to bring him back. Buzz even went so far as to echo Woody's famous line from the first flick: "You are a child's plaything! You. Are. A. TOY!" If the first Bad Boys was about Martin Lawrence struggling to pretend that he was a man-whore bachelor, then Bad Boys II absolutely could have worked if it was about Will Smith struggling to pretend (for similar reasons, perhaps) that he was a happily-married suburbanite with three kids. And if they really wanted to stick to the Toy Story formula, then Bad Boys III could be about them being transferred to a different precinct, and then somehow they end up in a giant furnace room holding hands and accepting their inevitable fate, only to be pulled out of harm's way at the last second by Joe Pantoliano.
At the end of the day, what I'm most curious about is: why? Why was Bad Boys II so universally acclaimed while its superior predecessor goes largely unmentioned? Why does this mediocre sequel overshadow the better work that came before? Jaws 2 didn't overshadow Jaws. Terminator 3 didn't overshadow T2. The Return of Jafar didn't overshadow Aladdin (thank fucking Lord). Is Bad Boys II a "bad" movie? On its own, not at all. As part of the series that the first one started, though...yeah, a little bit.. What do YOU think of Bad Boys II? Perhaps this is one of life's mysteries that simply wasn't meant to be solved. Or maybe we're just better off not knowing, because the answer might turn out to be "People prefer dumb stuff". And that would just be sad.
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