If you've been keeping up with the news lately, you've probably heard the horrific (if not a tad hilarious!) story about the zombie attack that took place in Miami, Florida.
Okay, so maybe it wasn't technically a zombie attack. But the transition between this paragraph and the one previous must have been pretty damn suspenseful, am I right? I mean, hearing that something akin to an actual, factual zombie outbreak might have happened in the real world...it's nuts! Zombies are such an enduring part of popular fiction -much like dragons or leprechauns or Eskimos -that the thought of one actually existing in real life is so surreal it can be downright scary. What actually happened in Miami is as follows: a crazed man (quite probably under the influence of lycergic acid diethlamide, only even more potent) ran naked out onto the street and attacked a homeless person who was just minding his own business. But the naked man didn't attack him using a knife or a pistol or even a length of rubber hose. No, sir, this particular naked individual tackled the homeless man to the ground and proceeded to -and I shit you not here, folks -devour the victim's nose and eyeballs.
Seriously. I wish I was making this up. I'm not.
Sounds just like something George Romero would conjure up, doesn't it? And that gives me the perfect opportunity to spend this week's article touching upon something that's bothered me for a while, and that's the whole fascination with zombie apocalypses in general. Namely, I don't like 'em.
For one thing, they're always grossly misrepresented. Maybe they're just hard up for new employees over at ZombieCorp. or something, but from where I stand it seems that anything and everything can qualify as a 'zombie' these days. Infected lunatic? He's a zombie. Drugged-out porn star with a taste for blood? She's a zombie. A Nazi who injects an experimental growth enhancement serum into his eyeballs, only to have it backfire, melting his skin and turning him into a shambling mess of liquefied sinew and foul-smelling bodily fluids? Ohhh, you'd better believe he's a zombie! Personally, I'm one of those sticklers who believes that a true, definitive zombie is just the corpse of a deceased human being that is granted mobility through the use of black magic, witchcraft, or (primarily) voodoo. None of this "infected with a disease" bullshit. It doesn't matter how many brains he tries to chomp on, kids, a man infected with a maddening disease is not a zombie. He's just a sick, sick man. Therefore, if you want to see what a "true zombie" should look like, horror movies won't help you there. The best place to look would probably be Weekend at Bernie's II.
For a second thing, the idea of a zombie apocalypse has kind of run out of appeal at this point. I mean, it might be entertaining to see a man in a cowboy hat slice a zombie in half with a chainsaw or something to that extent, but how long can we stand to see that kind of thing? Zombie apocalypses are like the plain potato chips of apocalypses, in that we should stop settling for plain and try a goddamn FLAVOUR for once. At this point, every time I turn on the TV and see zombies ravaging a countryside, their undead limbs flailing and covered in buckets of corn syrup-based fake blood, I just can't help but roll my eyes and think, "Okay. We get it. Zombie apocalypses would be bad. Can we please just move on now?"
There are so many different kinds of apocalypses we could be experimenting with, and they could prove to be loads more entertaining than yet another movie where Ving Rhames gets trapped inside yet another enclosed building with yet another assortment of makeshift weapons at his convenient disposal. To prove how well these different flavours could work, here's a special treat: 5 all-NEW apocalypses, each one sexier and scarier than the last. So writers, the next time you start up a screenplay and think about adding zombies to the mix, do yourselves a favor and say "Fuck it", and go with one of these instead.
You can thank me later. With royalty cheques.
CAT APOCALYPSE: Cats may be soft and cuddly, but they're assholes. It's just a proven fact. They act nice because we feed them and we clean their shit, but if they had the opportunity, cats would kill us and everyone we love just to prove that they're superior. So imagine if every cat on the planet suddenly woke up one morning with a heightened sense of intelligence, not unlike Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Only these cats don't wait to be mistreated before starting to rebel: it's pretty much instantaneous. They're picking up butcher knives in their little paws and stabbing Grandma and Grandpa through the forehead without a second thought. And when precocious little 4-year-old Timmy tries to pick up his tabby, his tabby responds by clawing out precocious little 4-year-old Timmy's eyes. Scary? Definitely. Plausible? Yeah, I could see it happening. Plus, their fur would get everywhere.
GHOST APOCALYPSE: You know those scary movies where a family movies into a haunted house and their lives are turned upside down by the terrifying poltergeist who dwells within the house's walls? The family can't get a decent night's sleep, the children are traumatized with fear, the parents go crazy trying to resolve the situation, one or two members of the clergy get involved and only end up regretting it later...it's mass hysteria. Now, instead of concentrating that hysteria within one home, imagine that happening in every home. In every city. In every country on the planet. Boom. Apocalypse. I mean, look at all the shit that happened to that couple in Paranormal Activity; and that was just ONE ghost! Everyone who actually could fall asleep would have nightmares for the rest of their lives. Terrifying? You bet your ass. To paraphrase Cal Evans from Undergrads, "Ghosts are scary, guy."
INSECT APOCALYPSE: Aside from those really weird scientists that people generally don't enjoy talking to, nobody likes bugs. Bugs suck. They're ugly, they're unpleasant, they make our skin crawl, and some of them can bite and/or sting us, causing pain and -in some extreme cases -even death. Worst of all, they're everywhere. Literally everywhere. Jungles, forests, deserts, cities, countrysides. Beneath the floorboards. In your bed. Under your kitchen sink. Crawling across your arm right now. The world has pretty much been going through an insect apocalypse since the end of the last ice age. But the one saving grace? They're small. Miniscule, even. So we begrudgingly put up with them, comfortable in the knowledge that we could easily reach out and snuff out a bug's life with a simple flick of our mighty mammal wrists. But what if, suddenly, they weren't so small anymore? Imagine a wasp the size of a transport truck. Imagine a scorpion as big as the Empire State Building. Haven't you ever seen a fantasy that had giant tarantulas in it? Giant tarantulas are scary as hell! Normal tarantulas are scary as hell!! This is the stuff of nightmares, people! If an insect apocalypse comes, I'd be one of the first ones to put a shotgun in my mouth and end the pain before it can begin.
SUPERMODEL APOCALYPSE: Stop rolling your eyes. This can work. Imagine if a beautiful supermodel suddenly gained the supernatural ability to turn any woman she touched into an equally beautiful supermodel. And all those women, in turn, would be granted the same ability. Kind of like zombies creating more zombies, only this involves more miniskirts and much nicer hair. Imagine half of the women on the planet become "infected" with the supermodel virus, while the other half remains normal (so far). Now imagine you are one of those normal women. Every day, you live in constant fear that your husband is going to leave you to run off with one of those skanky supermodel bee-otches that are slowly dominating the planet. The normal women would go crazy with paranoia. Some of the less stable ones might murder their husbands out of sheer suspicion alone. And think of the impact this could have on society as a whole! If everyone is "beautiful", will it be necessary for the concept of "beautiful" to change? How will we cope in a world where all women are of equal visual appeal, and all men are suddenly beneath them? I know I'd be on the edge of my seat for this one.
ACTUAL APOCALYPSE: You know, the one from the Bible? With the demons and the angels and the fiery swords and whatnot? Why the fuck isn't that a movie yet? That sounds awesome!
Monday, May 28, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Six Seasons and a Movie
Popular culture is a bit like God: it's hard to define, a lot of people worship it blindly, and it often works in mysterious ways.
The best way I can think of to visually describe what pop culture (or, to use a more complex and hilariously foreign-sounding term, the "zeitgeist") might look like...picture a very, very long road running straight through a barren desert. As you drive down this road in a vehicle of your choosing (for the sake of argument, let's go with a 2004 Prius), you can see man-made structures erected on either side of the road. Lots of them. Some of them are run-down grey piles of rubble,dilapidated, forgotten, abandoned, and unloved; while others are towering fortresses with majestic towers and stained-glass windows tinted with blazing colour that provides a literal orgasmic delight to your eyeballs as you drive idly past, pressing your nose up against the window of your Prius.
These houses are the framework of pop culture itself, the literal backbone: namely, the ideas and creations set loose upon the world for audience consumption. Be they works of literature, television, cinema, comic books, websites, video game, sports, or any other media, they are represented on this dusty road by one of those man-made structures. The 1958 movie The Blob has its own structure. Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol has a structure. The Muppets Christmas Carol has a structure right next to it, just a few structures down from the L.A. Lakers structure. Everything is represented. But the thing is, every one of them starts off looking exactly the same: a plain, unadorned grey box, virtually empty and waiting to be expanded upon. Creators can only make something exist. It takes fans and -most importantly -love to make something ALIVE.
That grey box representing the L.A. Lakers didn't stay small and grey for long, because the Lakers have a plethora of fans supporting them through every game of the season. Through the good games, and through the bad, those fans continued to paint their faces purple and gold, slap on their Number 32 jerseys, and fill in the seats at the Staples Center. And that's exactly the kind of unconditional love that has allowed the grey box representing the Lakers to flourish into a towering castle of purple parapets, with golden banners fluttering in the breeze and a varnished hardwood drawbridge. It's a far cry from the structure next door, which represents a by-the-numbers, cops-&-robbers movie that only a handful of people have seen and already forgotten about, which lies in shambles of broken plaster and shattered windows.
The point I'm dragging towards at a snail's pace here is that of the half-hour TV comedy, Community, the third season of which reached its climactic end this past Thursday on NBC. To submit my application to be nominated for Biggest Understatement of the Century Award, this has been a tumultuous year for the show. Cast & crew disagreements almost came to blows, the network dropped it from syndication in favor of programs with less than a fraction of Community's talent or cleverness, and the dreaded monster called Cancellation seemed to be looming around every turn, hiding in dark crevasses and waiting to sink its teeth into another juicy morsel. The people responsible for making Community happen (i.e., the cast & crew) kept right on making the same great stuff they'd always been making. But that's not what kept the show from floundering. The life raft was tossed not by NBC, or by showrunner/creator Dan Harmon...it was tossed by us. The fans who love it so much that we'd rather jump in after it than watch it sink.
As soon as the show's mid-season hiatus was announced, there was an outcry akin to the swarm of villagers grabbing their pitchforks and storming the gates of Dr. Frankenstein's castle. Petitions were written and signed with enough speed to make Sonic the Hedgehog blush. Threats were made to the network responsible. Less psychotic fans held vigils outside of the NBC offices, chanting memorable songs and quotes from Community episodes. The Twitter hashtag #SixSeasonsAndAMovie became the single-highest trending topic for months, becoming so popular that it's now pretty much considered to be the unofficial slogan of the show itself. These outcries continued until the show finally came back on the air to seas of thunderous applause. And now, not only did the show complete its third season with a trio of spectacular back-to-back episodes, but it's been renewed for a fourth season next fall.
If you're thinking right now that these people are getting a little too worked up about some TV show, you're missing the point. NBC wanted to pull the show because of poor ratings. Ratings = money, which is the sole language spoken by most people in this industry. Community was saved not by money, but by love. If those fans didn't love the show as much as they did, there'd have been no petitions, no vigils, no hashtags, no YouTube videos, no death threats. The structure on the side of that desert road representing Community was in danger of being smashed through with a wrecking ball. But an army of stalwart supporters linked arms and stood in the way, shielding the structure from harm and fortifying its defenses until it became an almost-untouchable palace of solid gold rainbows complete with a working Dreamatorium and E Pluribus Anus flags aplenty.
That's just the kind of show Community is. It seemed destined to be a classic before the second episode even aired. It's that special kind of show where literally 100% of it is fan service, no matter what you happen to be a fan of. It brings back staples of TV that we didn't even realize we've missed until we saw them again. Everything from inside jokes to wacky character costumes to catch phrases to end-credits scenes. Every episode of Community is a grab bag of unpredictability: you never know which of your fanboy stimuli are going be tickled next. To me (and, I'm sure, to those legions of fans who hashtagged and petitioned their way through those long,dark hiatus months), the show that started off as a loving tribute to The Breakfast Club has become a quotable, genre-defying juggernaut that someone may very well create a loving tribute to thirty years from now. In the same way that Star Wars or LOST or Harry Potter touched so many hearts and minds that they became institutions unto themselves, so too has Community reached heights that other media can only dream of. In my eyes, Ben Chang is just as iconic a villain as Darth Vader or Hannibal Lechter; Abed Nadir is just as classic a hero as Frodo Baggins or Hercules. Those are the kinds of lasting impressions that Community has left us. And it's only three seasons in.
Even though the hiatus is over and NBC has conceded to fan demands, the dreaded monster Cancellation still hasn't left our peripheral vision. The next season is going to be a shortened, 13-episode run, and there's still the lingering dread that the monster might strike at any time and snuff out the show's life for good. At this point, though, if that were to happen...I don't think it would be as bad as it sounds. Like Firefly or Arrested Development before it, Community seems destined to live on no matter what the network execs decide to do with it. It has transcended the boundaries that ground normal, humdrum shows and escaped into the world. It's touched so many people that it literally has created itself: a COMMUNITY. And no amount of cancellation could ever, ever take that away. The structure that represents Community can no longer be demolished, even if we can't add any more rooms or towers to its already imposing facade. In a perfect world, we may get our six seasons and a movie. But even in the darkest possible timeline, where the fourth season ends the show prematurely and we never see any further adventures of Jeff, Britta, Abed, Troy, Pierce, Shirley, and Annie again...we still come out on top. Because the show was that good. It'll have died honorably on the battlefield, staring its executor in the eye and daring it to pull the trigger.
Pop Pop.
The best way I can think of to visually describe what pop culture (or, to use a more complex and hilariously foreign-sounding term, the "zeitgeist") might look like...picture a very, very long road running straight through a barren desert. As you drive down this road in a vehicle of your choosing (for the sake of argument, let's go with a 2004 Prius), you can see man-made structures erected on either side of the road. Lots of them. Some of them are run-down grey piles of rubble,dilapidated, forgotten, abandoned, and unloved; while others are towering fortresses with majestic towers and stained-glass windows tinted with blazing colour that provides a literal orgasmic delight to your eyeballs as you drive idly past, pressing your nose up against the window of your Prius.
These houses are the framework of pop culture itself, the literal backbone: namely, the ideas and creations set loose upon the world for audience consumption. Be they works of literature, television, cinema, comic books, websites, video game, sports, or any other media, they are represented on this dusty road by one of those man-made structures. The 1958 movie The Blob has its own structure. Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol has a structure. The Muppets Christmas Carol has a structure right next to it, just a few structures down from the L.A. Lakers structure. Everything is represented. But the thing is, every one of them starts off looking exactly the same: a plain, unadorned grey box, virtually empty and waiting to be expanded upon. Creators can only make something exist. It takes fans and -most importantly -love to make something ALIVE.
That grey box representing the L.A. Lakers didn't stay small and grey for long, because the Lakers have a plethora of fans supporting them through every game of the season. Through the good games, and through the bad, those fans continued to paint their faces purple and gold, slap on their Number 32 jerseys, and fill in the seats at the Staples Center. And that's exactly the kind of unconditional love that has allowed the grey box representing the Lakers to flourish into a towering castle of purple parapets, with golden banners fluttering in the breeze and a varnished hardwood drawbridge. It's a far cry from the structure next door, which represents a by-the-numbers, cops-&-robbers movie that only a handful of people have seen and already forgotten about, which lies in shambles of broken plaster and shattered windows.
The point I'm dragging towards at a snail's pace here is that of the half-hour TV comedy, Community, the third season of which reached its climactic end this past Thursday on NBC. To submit my application to be nominated for Biggest Understatement of the Century Award, this has been a tumultuous year for the show. Cast & crew disagreements almost came to blows, the network dropped it from syndication in favor of programs with less than a fraction of Community's talent or cleverness, and the dreaded monster called Cancellation seemed to be looming around every turn, hiding in dark crevasses and waiting to sink its teeth into another juicy morsel. The people responsible for making Community happen (i.e., the cast & crew) kept right on making the same great stuff they'd always been making. But that's not what kept the show from floundering. The life raft was tossed not by NBC, or by showrunner/creator Dan Harmon...it was tossed by us. The fans who love it so much that we'd rather jump in after it than watch it sink.
As soon as the show's mid-season hiatus was announced, there was an outcry akin to the swarm of villagers grabbing their pitchforks and storming the gates of Dr. Frankenstein's castle. Petitions were written and signed with enough speed to make Sonic the Hedgehog blush. Threats were made to the network responsible. Less psychotic fans held vigils outside of the NBC offices, chanting memorable songs and quotes from Community episodes. The Twitter hashtag #SixSeasonsAndAMovie became the single-highest trending topic for months, becoming so popular that it's now pretty much considered to be the unofficial slogan of the show itself. These outcries continued until the show finally came back on the air to seas of thunderous applause. And now, not only did the show complete its third season with a trio of spectacular back-to-back episodes, but it's been renewed for a fourth season next fall.
If you're thinking right now that these people are getting a little too worked up about some TV show, you're missing the point. NBC wanted to pull the show because of poor ratings. Ratings = money, which is the sole language spoken by most people in this industry. Community was saved not by money, but by love. If those fans didn't love the show as much as they did, there'd have been no petitions, no vigils, no hashtags, no YouTube videos, no death threats. The structure on the side of that desert road representing Community was in danger of being smashed through with a wrecking ball. But an army of stalwart supporters linked arms and stood in the way, shielding the structure from harm and fortifying its defenses until it became an almost-untouchable palace of solid gold rainbows complete with a working Dreamatorium and E Pluribus Anus flags aplenty.
That's just the kind of show Community is. It seemed destined to be a classic before the second episode even aired. It's that special kind of show where literally 100% of it is fan service, no matter what you happen to be a fan of. It brings back staples of TV that we didn't even realize we've missed until we saw them again. Everything from inside jokes to wacky character costumes to catch phrases to end-credits scenes. Every episode of Community is a grab bag of unpredictability: you never know which of your fanboy stimuli are going be tickled next. To me (and, I'm sure, to those legions of fans who hashtagged and petitioned their way through those long,dark hiatus months), the show that started off as a loving tribute to The Breakfast Club has become a quotable, genre-defying juggernaut that someone may very well create a loving tribute to thirty years from now. In the same way that Star Wars or LOST or Harry Potter touched so many hearts and minds that they became institutions unto themselves, so too has Community reached heights that other media can only dream of. In my eyes, Ben Chang is just as iconic a villain as Darth Vader or Hannibal Lechter; Abed Nadir is just as classic a hero as Frodo Baggins or Hercules. Those are the kinds of lasting impressions that Community has left us. And it's only three seasons in.
Even though the hiatus is over and NBC has conceded to fan demands, the dreaded monster Cancellation still hasn't left our peripheral vision. The next season is going to be a shortened, 13-episode run, and there's still the lingering dread that the monster might strike at any time and snuff out the show's life for good. At this point, though, if that were to happen...I don't think it would be as bad as it sounds. Like Firefly or Arrested Development before it, Community seems destined to live on no matter what the network execs decide to do with it. It has transcended the boundaries that ground normal, humdrum shows and escaped into the world. It's touched so many people that it literally has created itself: a COMMUNITY. And no amount of cancellation could ever, ever take that away. The structure that represents Community can no longer be demolished, even if we can't add any more rooms or towers to its already imposing facade. In a perfect world, we may get our six seasons and a movie. But even in the darkest possible timeline, where the fourth season ends the show prematurely and we never see any further adventures of Jeff, Britta, Abed, Troy, Pierce, Shirley, and Annie again...we still come out on top. Because the show was that good. It'll have died honorably on the battlefield, staring its executor in the eye and daring it to pull the trigger.
Pop Pop.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Justice For All
So, last week I asked you all to indulge my geekosity (which, if it isn't a word already, will become one as of now) and let me ruminate about what's on the minds of everyone who was blown away by The Avengers: that is to say, "Long-term, inter-movie, fan-service crossover events are not only possible, but they can be done EXTREMELY WELL on the FIRST TRY and they can make oodles upon oodles of MONEY! Hooray!" With that in mind, my fellow citizens of the People's Republic of Nerd, can the same thing be done...with DC Comics?! (Cue dramatic music. Actually, screw the cue, here's a link to some dramatic music).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7g9WjcGdxuM
The answer (or, I should say, my answer) to that question is a resounding "maybe". It would be a hell of a lot easier, that's for damn sure, considering EVERYTHING under the DC sun is owned by the good people at Warner Bros. Entertainment. So right off the bat, we'd have no problems with licensing/rights agreements or any of that bullshit. But can the almighty WB really get their act together and give us an epic Justice League crossover to rival the awesomeness that was Joss Whedon's The Avengers? Let's hypothesize! Which is a scientific way of saying, "I 'unno."
First things first: for those not "in the know" on comic book superhero jargon and whatnot, here's a crash course. DC and Marvel are the two major competing comic book publishers. There have been others, but Marvel and DC have been the Top 2 since comics started existing. As it was in the beginning, is now, and forever shall be. Amen. Marvel is the company who owns the characters you see in The Avengers (i.e. Iron Man, Captain America, The Hulk, Thor, etc.), as well as others like the X-Men and Spider-Man. DC, on the other hand, are the minds behind characters like Batman & Robin, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and Superman. And the DC Universe has its own dream team of superheroes banding together to fight great evil, only they don't call themselves the Avengers. That would be copyright infringement, kids! Instead, they opt to go by the title of the Justice League of America.
The Justice League's revolving door policy has resulted in a roster of heroes that has gone through more men in tights than a slutty ballerina hanging around backstage to keep the male chorus occupied during scenes when they're not needed. But the mainstays of the Justice League usually tend to be the same 7 heroes: namely, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and Martian Manhunter.
That's 7 heroes, 7 big stories, 7 movies to make to lead up to one ginormous big-screen Justice League extravaganza. And I think, with the proper nudging and motivation of certain parties, it can be done, and done well! Here's my take on it:
First off, we've already got Batman and Superman covered, so that's two down right there. I know Chris Nolan said he never wants to make another Batman film, and ditto Christian Bale. But you know what? Fuck them! We don't need them to have a good time! (Actually, I'm sorry for cursing at you, Mr. Bale. PLEASE don't yell at me!!!) Let's assume we've got Bale as Batman and the upcoming Henry Cavill reprising his role as Superman. And if Christian Bale absolutely, positively refuses to return, then we'll replace him with Jim Caviezel and make Bruce Wayne an older guy. Seriously, if you're not already watching Caviezel on Person of Interest, start watching! That show is literally Batman without costumes.
Alright. Let's try something a little more difficult: Green Lantern. We got that *snicker* "movie" last June starring Ryan Reynolds, which had great special effects and a pretty good cast, but...yeah. that's about all it had going for it. So let's delete that from our memory and start fresh. Break out a whole new Green Lantern film series, a big, epic, sprawling one, I'm talking 5 or 6 movies here. Remember, this is a sci-fi alien smorgasbord we're talking about here, there's PLENTY of room for 5 or 6 movies worth of stories to tell. Besides, there are actually four major Green Lantern characters: Hal Jordan (who we say Reynolds play), John Stewart, Guy Gardner, and Kyle Rayner. There you go, you have at least a trilogy's worth of stuff right there. Recast Hal Jordan: Nathan Fillion (of Castle fame to you non-geeks out there, of God fame to everyone else) can play him with his eyes closed. Or if you wanna go the John Stewart route and have him be African-American, no problemo. Leonard Roberts from Heroes could pull that off without a hitch, and either one of them would fit in just fine in the Justice League.
Still too easy, you say? How about Aquaman? He's like a joke; if it weren't for Entourage, there'd probably be a whole slew of folks who don't even know that Aquaman exists. But he's a pretty hefty character, being the freaking King of Atlantis and all! Let's go with the older, grizzled version of Aquaman, the one with the beard and the Captain Hook hand. I know he's overused at this point, but I think Mr. Jolie himself, Brad Pitt, might be able to get Aquaman right, as long as they focus less on his "hunk factor" and more on his 'I'm an older guy with a big burden on my shoulders factor". One of Aquaman's biggest character traits that separates him from the rest is that he's a father. And if anybody knows about taking care of kids, it'd be the man who adopts foreign children like he's ordering take-out. Throw in Jamie Foxx as his archenemy Black Manta and you're good to go.
Martian Manhunter? Piece of cake. His story would make a great movie. He's essentially a Martian who gets teleported to Earth by a mad scientist. The scientist then dies before he has a chance to finish his experiments, and Manhunter escapes the lab. He's unable to return home, so he roams the Earth, assumes a human identity, and tries to fit in to avoid being experimented on whilst continuously searching for a means of getting back to Mars. Giancarlo Esposito (who plays Gustavo on Breaking Bad and the Magic Mirror on Once Upon A Time) certainly has a way of making humans seem inhuman, and vice versa. I think he could pull off the Manhunter very nicely. Boom. Done.
The Flash. He's trickier, yes, but not impossible. First of all, let's avoid the obvious dumb Hollywood route and NOT cast Ryan Reynolds again, for the fourteenth time, in a superhero picture. Flash is a redheaded fellow with a smart-ass attitude, so I'd like to see him played by Zack Ward. If you're a fan of A Christmas Story, you'll remember l'il Zack as the bully, Scut Farkas. I'm not too familiar with the Flash storylines, but considering there's been about 50 bjillion people to step into the red-and-yellow Flash spandex at one point or another, I'm sure there's gotta be some script fuel in there somewhere. I think his archenemy is a chubby guy with a snow theme named Captain Cold, so let's toss Phillip Seymour Hoffman into an oversized blue parka and Bob's your uncle.
That leaves Wonder Woman. Now she is tricky. Much like Thor of Marvel Comics fame, WW stands apart from the rest in that she's literally descended from Greek gods and has the strength of the Amazonians, or something like that. To the extent of my knowledge, she & a bunch of powerful women got exiled to an island by Hercules (who, it turns out, is kind of a douchebag), and Wonder Woman became a leader on that island, until a World War II pilot crashed down there and she became sucked into the world of normal mortals. I guess this could still work. Substitute World War II for...whatever we call the war that's happening right now, with the terror and whatnot. As for who could play her...we've all heard so many theories, and many of them could work, too. Again, like Aquaman, Wonder Woman should be attractive, but not in an unrealistic and distracting way *coughMichaelBaycough*. She's a ruler who's had to make a lot of tough decisions, and she carries quite the burden on those supple shoulders of hers: that burden should never be overshadowed by her looks. Anyone from Cobie Smulders to Natalie Portman to Elizabeth Hurley have been rumored for the role. Personally, I think Mila Kunis might work. Then stick Rhona Mitra in there as the Cheetah (her primary antagonist), and that's all you need. Wonder Woman herself already contains so many powerful themes to support a script and its sequel, that there's not much room for error as far as story is concerned.
And there you have it. Put together these last five movies, let them marinate for a year or so, then shake well and serve up an ice cold pitcher of Justice. It can be done, Warner Bros. You have the technology. You have the money. You have the rights. Go for it. But (and I leave you with this as my final thought, friends) just because someone can do something, doesn't mean they should. Warner Brothers shouldn't do a damn thing unless they're setting out to make a quality movie series with fun, engaging characters & plotlines. If they're gonna crank out 5 pieces of shit and one huge diarrhea crossover just so they can stand neck-and-neck with Marvel and chuckle, "Me too! Hyuck! Hyuck!", then they'll get a serious wake-up call once all the bad reviews come rolling in. Quality comes first, always.
Also, Warner Brothers, call me. I will totally write those six Green Lantern movies for FREE.
I'm not joking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7g9WjcGdxuM
The answer (or, I should say, my answer) to that question is a resounding "maybe". It would be a hell of a lot easier, that's for damn sure, considering EVERYTHING under the DC sun is owned by the good people at Warner Bros. Entertainment. So right off the bat, we'd have no problems with licensing/rights agreements or any of that bullshit. But can the almighty WB really get their act together and give us an epic Justice League crossover to rival the awesomeness that was Joss Whedon's The Avengers? Let's hypothesize! Which is a scientific way of saying, "I 'unno."
First things first: for those not "in the know" on comic book superhero jargon and whatnot, here's a crash course. DC and Marvel are the two major competing comic book publishers. There have been others, but Marvel and DC have been the Top 2 since comics started existing. As it was in the beginning, is now, and forever shall be. Amen. Marvel is the company who owns the characters you see in The Avengers (i.e. Iron Man, Captain America, The Hulk, Thor, etc.), as well as others like the X-Men and Spider-Man. DC, on the other hand, are the minds behind characters like Batman & Robin, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and Superman. And the DC Universe has its own dream team of superheroes banding together to fight great evil, only they don't call themselves the Avengers. That would be copyright infringement, kids! Instead, they opt to go by the title of the Justice League of America.
The Justice League's revolving door policy has resulted in a roster of heroes that has gone through more men in tights than a slutty ballerina hanging around backstage to keep the male chorus occupied during scenes when they're not needed. But the mainstays of the Justice League usually tend to be the same 7 heroes: namely, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, Aquaman, and Martian Manhunter.
That's 7 heroes, 7 big stories, 7 movies to make to lead up to one ginormous big-screen Justice League extravaganza. And I think, with the proper nudging and motivation of certain parties, it can be done, and done well! Here's my take on it:
First off, we've already got Batman and Superman covered, so that's two down right there. I know Chris Nolan said he never wants to make another Batman film, and ditto Christian Bale. But you know what? Fuck them! We don't need them to have a good time! (Actually, I'm sorry for cursing at you, Mr. Bale. PLEASE don't yell at me!!!) Let's assume we've got Bale as Batman and the upcoming Henry Cavill reprising his role as Superman. And if Christian Bale absolutely, positively refuses to return, then we'll replace him with Jim Caviezel and make Bruce Wayne an older guy. Seriously, if you're not already watching Caviezel on Person of Interest, start watching! That show is literally Batman without costumes.
Alright. Let's try something a little more difficult: Green Lantern. We got that *snicker* "movie" last June starring Ryan Reynolds, which had great special effects and a pretty good cast, but...yeah. that's about all it had going for it. So let's delete that from our memory and start fresh. Break out a whole new Green Lantern film series, a big, epic, sprawling one, I'm talking 5 or 6 movies here. Remember, this is a sci-fi alien smorgasbord we're talking about here, there's PLENTY of room for 5 or 6 movies worth of stories to tell. Besides, there are actually four major Green Lantern characters: Hal Jordan (who we say Reynolds play), John Stewart, Guy Gardner, and Kyle Rayner. There you go, you have at least a trilogy's worth of stuff right there. Recast Hal Jordan: Nathan Fillion (of Castle fame to you non-geeks out there, of God fame to everyone else) can play him with his eyes closed. Or if you wanna go the John Stewart route and have him be African-American, no problemo. Leonard Roberts from Heroes could pull that off without a hitch, and either one of them would fit in just fine in the Justice League.
Still too easy, you say? How about Aquaman? He's like a joke; if it weren't for Entourage, there'd probably be a whole slew of folks who don't even know that Aquaman exists. But he's a pretty hefty character, being the freaking King of Atlantis and all! Let's go with the older, grizzled version of Aquaman, the one with the beard and the Captain Hook hand. I know he's overused at this point, but I think Mr. Jolie himself, Brad Pitt, might be able to get Aquaman right, as long as they focus less on his "hunk factor" and more on his 'I'm an older guy with a big burden on my shoulders factor". One of Aquaman's biggest character traits that separates him from the rest is that he's a father. And if anybody knows about taking care of kids, it'd be the man who adopts foreign children like he's ordering take-out. Throw in Jamie Foxx as his archenemy Black Manta and you're good to go.
Martian Manhunter? Piece of cake. His story would make a great movie. He's essentially a Martian who gets teleported to Earth by a mad scientist. The scientist then dies before he has a chance to finish his experiments, and Manhunter escapes the lab. He's unable to return home, so he roams the Earth, assumes a human identity, and tries to fit in to avoid being experimented on whilst continuously searching for a means of getting back to Mars. Giancarlo Esposito (who plays Gustavo on Breaking Bad and the Magic Mirror on Once Upon A Time) certainly has a way of making humans seem inhuman, and vice versa. I think he could pull off the Manhunter very nicely. Boom. Done.
The Flash. He's trickier, yes, but not impossible. First of all, let's avoid the obvious dumb Hollywood route and NOT cast Ryan Reynolds again, for the fourteenth time, in a superhero picture. Flash is a redheaded fellow with a smart-ass attitude, so I'd like to see him played by Zack Ward. If you're a fan of A Christmas Story, you'll remember l'il Zack as the bully, Scut Farkas. I'm not too familiar with the Flash storylines, but considering there's been about 50 bjillion people to step into the red-and-yellow Flash spandex at one point or another, I'm sure there's gotta be some script fuel in there somewhere. I think his archenemy is a chubby guy with a snow theme named Captain Cold, so let's toss Phillip Seymour Hoffman into an oversized blue parka and Bob's your uncle.
That leaves Wonder Woman. Now she is tricky. Much like Thor of Marvel Comics fame, WW stands apart from the rest in that she's literally descended from Greek gods and has the strength of the Amazonians, or something like that. To the extent of my knowledge, she & a bunch of powerful women got exiled to an island by Hercules (who, it turns out, is kind of a douchebag), and Wonder Woman became a leader on that island, until a World War II pilot crashed down there and she became sucked into the world of normal mortals. I guess this could still work. Substitute World War II for...whatever we call the war that's happening right now, with the terror and whatnot. As for who could play her...we've all heard so many theories, and many of them could work, too. Again, like Aquaman, Wonder Woman should be attractive, but not in an unrealistic and distracting way *coughMichaelBaycough*. She's a ruler who's had to make a lot of tough decisions, and she carries quite the burden on those supple shoulders of hers: that burden should never be overshadowed by her looks. Anyone from Cobie Smulders to Natalie Portman to Elizabeth Hurley have been rumored for the role. Personally, I think Mila Kunis might work. Then stick Rhona Mitra in there as the Cheetah (her primary antagonist), and that's all you need. Wonder Woman herself already contains so many powerful themes to support a script and its sequel, that there's not much room for error as far as story is concerned.
And there you have it. Put together these last five movies, let them marinate for a year or so, then shake well and serve up an ice cold pitcher of Justice. It can be done, Warner Bros. You have the technology. You have the money. You have the rights. Go for it. But (and I leave you with this as my final thought, friends) just because someone can do something, doesn't mean they should. Warner Brothers shouldn't do a damn thing unless they're setting out to make a quality movie series with fun, engaging characters & plotlines. If they're gonna crank out 5 pieces of shit and one huge diarrhea crossover just so they can stand neck-and-neck with Marvel and chuckle, "Me too! Hyuck! Hyuck!", then they'll get a serious wake-up call once all the bad reviews come rolling in. Quality comes first, always.
Also, Warner Brothers, call me. I will totally write those six Green Lantern movies for FREE.
I'm not joking.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Super Fly
This post took a little longer than normal, because it involved a fair bit more research than I'm normally used to (that, and I just recently began a new job as a Starbucks barista, which is every bit as green and coffee-scented as it sounds).
So, why are we here this week? I'm hoping we can talk about a little piece of pop culture that's on everybody's mind right now. A certain little movie that opened May 4th, went on to gross unfathomable amounts of money worldwide, and shattered opening-weekend box office records previously held by the likes of Harry Potter and The Dark Knight. The little movie in question has become something of a phenomenon, the fruits of labors that began way back in 2007 with five whole other movies to back it up. The film that's sure to go down in history as one of the most successful big-budget endeavors ever made by the industry. I'm referring, of course, to The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. No, wait, it's the other one, the one where the superheroes punch things.
The Avengers is a shining example of how to do something ballsy, fun, and RIGHT. It's a culmination of almost a decade of work from some of the best Hollywood has to offer. Most people said it couldn't be done, and -in all honesty -they could very well have been proven right, had less capable hands been at work here. But instead, we've been treated to six solid movies that break the mold in terms of what the current film industry is capable of. It was a huge risk, and they pulled it off with A+s across the board on their very first attempt. Long story short, if you haven't seen The Avengers yet, please don't waste your time reading this rubbish. Go. Now. Enjoy.
I'm not going to write any detailed review or analysis of The Avengers, because I'm sure it's been articulated in much better ways already. Instead, I'd like to ruminate on how this is going to affect the movie world from now on. Namely, are long-term, multiple-movie crossovers going to become a new thing? Well, now that the numbers are rolling in for opening weekend (and I needn't remind you, these are some hefty numbers we're talking about here), I'm sure studio execs are coming to the slow realization of what everybody else has already always known: FAN SERVICE + BIG, GROUNDBREAKING CROSSOVER SERIES + QUALITY = MONEY! Wow! Who knew, right?! Once the whole "D-uh!" aspect of that kicks in, maybe producers will start being more open to adaptation ideas that are a little more comfortable with their source material.
Here's some dialogue from a pitch meeting. I'm fairly certain this is how it went, word-for-word:
EXECUTIVE #1: Let's make a movie called Wolverine.
EXECUTIVE #2: Sure! Should we add in some of the other famous Marvel superhero characters in there, too?
EXECUTIVE #1: Only one or two. Make the majority of them a bunch of unimportant, throwaway characters that absolutely nobody cares about. THAT'S what comic book fans are looking for!
EXECUTIVE #2: Okay! Should we make all of the characters look, act, and dress exactly like they do in the comics?
EXECUTIVE #1: No, that's for amateurs. We're Hollywood. We're the BIG boys. Comic book characters shouldn't look, act, or dress like comic book characters. That's not what all those legions of comic book fans want to see! The characters should be completely different, unrelatable, unlikable, and just wear black trenchcoats, because black trenchcoats are cool. THAT'S what'll put butts in the seats!
EXECUTIVE #2: That's such a good idea!
EXECUTIVE #1: I know, right?! I make $250,000 a year!
Now here's another pitch meeting. Let's spot the differences!
EXECUTIVE #1: Let's make a movie based off of the Avengers. But first, all of the individual characters will have their own solo movie series so they can grow on audiences and be more fleshed out, so that when the time comes for The Avengers we can focus on more action and plot development. Plus, the first five movies will make a TON of money, which we can use to fund The Avengers and make it one big, solid action blockbuster!
EXECUTIVE #2: Great idea! Should we add a bunch of other famous Marvel superhero characters in there, too?
EXECUTIVE #1: Yes, absolutely. As many big name heroes and villains as we can. The ones people love & remember from the comics.
EXECUTIVE #2: Speaking of the comics, should the characters dress like they do in the comics, too? Because we have about 3,000 black trenchcoats left over from the Wolverine set.
EXECUTIVE #1: No thanks. Let's get them in their genuine, colourful costumes. Fans will love that.
Wolverine's total box office gross? Approximately $180 million. Reviews range from poor to mediocre to poorly mediocre. The Avengers total box office gross? $207 million and counting. Reviews range from "two thumbs way up" to "that was so good I think I pooped my pants".
I really don't think there's anything else to say except let's hope and pray that Marvel Studios makes more of these (which they are, according to news websites everywhere). Also, to all of the people involved: to the talented actors and screenwriters, to the producers who believed in the project and took the chance, to the directors who brought it all to life on anamorphic wide screen: thank you. From all of us crazy comic book fans. Thank you very, very much.
Next week: let's take what we learned here, and see if we can put it to good use somewhere else. Namely, the flip side of the comic book world. I'm going to theorize and (if you'll indulge me) geek out a little bit on where I think a certain company should take their film projects next. I'll be looking at it through the eyes of a writer, an actor, and (most importantly) a fan who just wants to go out and have a good time at the movies. So if any of you out there happen to have some pull over at the offices of Warner Brothers Studios...this next song's for you, baby. ;)
So, why are we here this week? I'm hoping we can talk about a little piece of pop culture that's on everybody's mind right now. A certain little movie that opened May 4th, went on to gross unfathomable amounts of money worldwide, and shattered opening-weekend box office records previously held by the likes of Harry Potter and The Dark Knight. The little movie in question has become something of a phenomenon, the fruits of labors that began way back in 2007 with five whole other movies to back it up. The film that's sure to go down in history as one of the most successful big-budget endeavors ever made by the industry. I'm referring, of course, to The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. No, wait, it's the other one, the one where the superheroes punch things.
The Avengers is a shining example of how to do something ballsy, fun, and RIGHT. It's a culmination of almost a decade of work from some of the best Hollywood has to offer. Most people said it couldn't be done, and -in all honesty -they could very well have been proven right, had less capable hands been at work here. But instead, we've been treated to six solid movies that break the mold in terms of what the current film industry is capable of. It was a huge risk, and they pulled it off with A+s across the board on their very first attempt. Long story short, if you haven't seen The Avengers yet, please don't waste your time reading this rubbish. Go. Now. Enjoy.
I'm not going to write any detailed review or analysis of The Avengers, because I'm sure it's been articulated in much better ways already. Instead, I'd like to ruminate on how this is going to affect the movie world from now on. Namely, are long-term, multiple-movie crossovers going to become a new thing? Well, now that the numbers are rolling in for opening weekend (and I needn't remind you, these are some hefty numbers we're talking about here), I'm sure studio execs are coming to the slow realization of what everybody else has already always known: FAN SERVICE + BIG, GROUNDBREAKING CROSSOVER SERIES + QUALITY = MONEY! Wow! Who knew, right?! Once the whole "D-uh!" aspect of that kicks in, maybe producers will start being more open to adaptation ideas that are a little more comfortable with their source material.
Here's some dialogue from a pitch meeting. I'm fairly certain this is how it went, word-for-word:
EXECUTIVE #1: Let's make a movie called Wolverine.
EXECUTIVE #2: Sure! Should we add in some of the other famous Marvel superhero characters in there, too?
EXECUTIVE #1: Only one or two. Make the majority of them a bunch of unimportant, throwaway characters that absolutely nobody cares about. THAT'S what comic book fans are looking for!
EXECUTIVE #2: Okay! Should we make all of the characters look, act, and dress exactly like they do in the comics?
EXECUTIVE #1: No, that's for amateurs. We're Hollywood. We're the BIG boys. Comic book characters shouldn't look, act, or dress like comic book characters. That's not what all those legions of comic book fans want to see! The characters should be completely different, unrelatable, unlikable, and just wear black trenchcoats, because black trenchcoats are cool. THAT'S what'll put butts in the seats!
EXECUTIVE #2: That's such a good idea!
EXECUTIVE #1: I know, right?! I make $250,000 a year!
Now here's another pitch meeting. Let's spot the differences!
EXECUTIVE #1: Let's make a movie based off of the Avengers. But first, all of the individual characters will have their own solo movie series so they can grow on audiences and be more fleshed out, so that when the time comes for The Avengers we can focus on more action and plot development. Plus, the first five movies will make a TON of money, which we can use to fund The Avengers and make it one big, solid action blockbuster!
EXECUTIVE #2: Great idea! Should we add a bunch of other famous Marvel superhero characters in there, too?
EXECUTIVE #1: Yes, absolutely. As many big name heroes and villains as we can. The ones people love & remember from the comics.
EXECUTIVE #2: Speaking of the comics, should the characters dress like they do in the comics, too? Because we have about 3,000 black trenchcoats left over from the Wolverine set.
EXECUTIVE #1: No thanks. Let's get them in their genuine, colourful costumes. Fans will love that.
Wolverine's total box office gross? Approximately $180 million. Reviews range from poor to mediocre to poorly mediocre. The Avengers total box office gross? $207 million and counting. Reviews range from "two thumbs way up" to "that was so good I think I pooped my pants".
I really don't think there's anything else to say except let's hope and pray that Marvel Studios makes more of these (which they are, according to news websites everywhere). Also, to all of the people involved: to the talented actors and screenwriters, to the producers who believed in the project and took the chance, to the directors who brought it all to life on anamorphic wide screen: thank you. From all of us crazy comic book fans. Thank you very, very much.
Next week: let's take what we learned here, and see if we can put it to good use somewhere else. Namely, the flip side of the comic book world. I'm going to theorize and (if you'll indulge me) geek out a little bit on where I think a certain company should take their film projects next. I'll be looking at it through the eyes of a writer, an actor, and (most importantly) a fan who just wants to go out and have a good time at the movies. So if any of you out there happen to have some pull over at the offices of Warner Brothers Studios...this next song's for you, baby. ;)
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Hacked
I received a series of messages from friends and co-workers today telling me that my e-mail has been hacked. They could tell because they received strange e-mails from someone claiming to be "Me" with tips on switching long distance providers and enlarging your penis naturally. I of course have no knowledge on either subject, so, naturally, the messages were sent by an anonymous hacker who somehow wormed his way into my e-mail account. I apologize to any of my friends who genuinely believed the hacked subject lines claiming that I could have "SaveZ them big money $$$ on the Cars insurance yes".
In light of this recent event, I decided that at the end of the day this whole issue would make a great topic for this week's TQM post. So I'm dedicating this post to that special group of people who dominate many of the more sunlight-deprived corners of our society, that wonderful team of worthless wonders who make the world wide web as wild n' wacky as it is.
Hackers...this one's for you. :)
It must have been a slow, boring day in the sweaty little corner of your mother's basement that you call home, because you spent a lot of time hacking into my account and now have nothing to show for it. I'd hate to think that you're whiling away your precious, precious time on jerks like me whose accounts have nothing good to offer. So to help you guys out, I've compiled a small list of things that you could do that would be a much more productive use of your time. I would have sent this all to you via e-mail, but I'm sure you'll bust your way into it on your own sooner or later! Enjoy!
-LEARN TO BREATHE THROUGH YOUR NOSE. Your all-Cheeto diet may sound great in theory, but cheese starts to fester after a while between those beautiful unbrushed gums of yours. Panting heavily from the mouth will give these odors free access into the air, and may cause discomfort to those around you. A few quick inhale/exhale nasal exercises, and you'll be the most considerate and less creepy person in your very small circle of friends!
-DISCOVER THE OUTDOORS. Your computer might run on an operating system called Windows. Fun fact: the Windows OS was named for special panes of glass outfitted on the sides of buildings and structures, which can be opened to allow the flow of fresh air. A similar implementation known as doors can be pulled open wide enough for human beings (even ones as wide as yourself!) to access areas outside of the house/apartment. You might even see some direct sunlight! But careful: you'll peel.
-LEARN WHAT A 'SALAD' IS. As hilariously strange as it may sound, a Snickers bar and two bottles of Mountain Dew Code Red do not equal a healthy, square meal! I know, right?! I was shocked, too! But from what I hear, a quick "salad" (a medley of random vegetables tossed together in a bowl like a variety of your favourite rock songs mixed into an iPod Shuffle) and some strips of "chicken" (the real kind, not the nuggets McDonald's sells) not only taste fantastic, but they can do wonders for your waistline! Plus, before you know it, those red marks on your face and back and stomach and chest and neck will clear right up!
-PURCHASE SOME DEODORANT FROM YOUR LOCAL DRUGSTORE. Did you know that deodorant smells fantastic? And there are dozens of different scents to choose from, too! Don't like "Icy Blast"? No problem. You can get "Fresh Spring" or "Mint Ice" instead! After discovering, removing, and eating that piece of beef jerky you've had under your arm for three weeks, you'll want something to freshen up that area, and deodorant is quick and easy! It will also make the "Breathing Through Your Nose" process a lot more tolerable!
-START A RELATIONSHIP. You could meet a lovely girl in person somewhere and strike up an intelligent conversation about haaaahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Next.
-TAKE A HIGH-SCHOOL ENGLISH COURSE. Expand your vocabulary to include words other than "macro" and "html"! Not many people are going to be fooled if you send them an e-mail from one of their hacked friends' accounts that says "I can makk monee 4 you teh $avings it nice pleasz helllp." One quick seminar, and you'll be conjugating verbs like the pros do! It's quick, easy, and beneficial! Or better yet, use those vast, superior computer skills of yours and learn how to use Spell Check, for Christ's sake! I mean, what are you, a retard?!
I'm not a famous person. I'm not a rich person. I don't have access to exclusive information. On top of it all, I don't know anyone who is rich, famous, or has access to exclusive information. Therefore, there are absolutely ZERO (0) reasons anyone could possibly have to hack into my personal e-mails and start dicking around. Which obviously leaves only one possible explanation for your actions: you're a genuine, bona fide moron whose mind, body, and soul are so scarily identical to those of Jabba the Hutt that I wouldn't be surprised if a Kowakian Monkey-Lizard sits at your feet and hoots with obnoxious laughter every time you press Enter on that lifeline you call a keyboard!
So, thank you! Thank you for hacking into my account and annoying all of my friends as well as myself! Thank you for being a greasy troll who contributes absolutely nothing to society! Thank you for making Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons look like James freaking Bond by comparison! But most of all, thank you for being you! You're special, despite everything your cyber-contacts say about you! You may not be handsome, talented, smart, hygienic, dependable, likable, friendly, or wanted...but at least you're good with computers!
01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101
In light of this recent event, I decided that at the end of the day this whole issue would make a great topic for this week's TQM post. So I'm dedicating this post to that special group of people who dominate many of the more sunlight-deprived corners of our society, that wonderful team of worthless wonders who make the world wide web as wild n' wacky as it is.
Hackers...this one's for you. :)
It must have been a slow, boring day in the sweaty little corner of your mother's basement that you call home, because you spent a lot of time hacking into my account and now have nothing to show for it. I'd hate to think that you're whiling away your precious, precious time on jerks like me whose accounts have nothing good to offer. So to help you guys out, I've compiled a small list of things that you could do that would be a much more productive use of your time. I would have sent this all to you via e-mail, but I'm sure you'll bust your way into it on your own sooner or later! Enjoy!
-LEARN TO BREATHE THROUGH YOUR NOSE. Your all-Cheeto diet may sound great in theory, but cheese starts to fester after a while between those beautiful unbrushed gums of yours. Panting heavily from the mouth will give these odors free access into the air, and may cause discomfort to those around you. A few quick inhale/exhale nasal exercises, and you'll be the most considerate and less creepy person in your very small circle of friends!
-DISCOVER THE OUTDOORS. Your computer might run on an operating system called Windows. Fun fact: the Windows OS was named for special panes of glass outfitted on the sides of buildings and structures, which can be opened to allow the flow of fresh air. A similar implementation known as doors can be pulled open wide enough for human beings (even ones as wide as yourself!) to access areas outside of the house/apartment. You might even see some direct sunlight! But careful: you'll peel.
-LEARN WHAT A 'SALAD' IS. As hilariously strange as it may sound, a Snickers bar and two bottles of Mountain Dew Code Red do not equal a healthy, square meal! I know, right?! I was shocked, too! But from what I hear, a quick "salad" (a medley of random vegetables tossed together in a bowl like a variety of your favourite rock songs mixed into an iPod Shuffle) and some strips of "chicken" (the real kind, not the nuggets McDonald's sells) not only taste fantastic, but they can do wonders for your waistline! Plus, before you know it, those red marks on your face and back and stomach and chest and neck will clear right up!
-PURCHASE SOME DEODORANT FROM YOUR LOCAL DRUGSTORE. Did you know that deodorant smells fantastic? And there are dozens of different scents to choose from, too! Don't like "Icy Blast"? No problem. You can get "Fresh Spring" or "Mint Ice" instead! After discovering, removing, and eating that piece of beef jerky you've had under your arm for three weeks, you'll want something to freshen up that area, and deodorant is quick and easy! It will also make the "Breathing Through Your Nose" process a lot more tolerable!
-START A RELATIONSHIP. You could meet a lovely girl in person somewhere and strike up an intelligent conversation about haaaahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Next.
-TAKE A HIGH-SCHOOL ENGLISH COURSE. Expand your vocabulary to include words other than "macro" and "html"! Not many people are going to be fooled if you send them an e-mail from one of their hacked friends' accounts that says "I can makk monee 4 you teh $avings it nice pleasz helllp." One quick seminar, and you'll be conjugating verbs like the pros do! It's quick, easy, and beneficial! Or better yet, use those vast, superior computer skills of yours and learn how to use Spell Check, for Christ's sake! I mean, what are you, a retard?!
I'm not a famous person. I'm not a rich person. I don't have access to exclusive information. On top of it all, I don't know anyone who is rich, famous, or has access to exclusive information. Therefore, there are absolutely ZERO (0) reasons anyone could possibly have to hack into my personal e-mails and start dicking around. Which obviously leaves only one possible explanation for your actions: you're a genuine, bona fide moron whose mind, body, and soul are so scarily identical to those of Jabba the Hutt that I wouldn't be surprised if a Kowakian Monkey-Lizard sits at your feet and hoots with obnoxious laughter every time you press Enter on that lifeline you call a keyboard!
So, thank you! Thank you for hacking into my account and annoying all of my friends as well as myself! Thank you for being a greasy troll who contributes absolutely nothing to society! Thank you for making Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons look like James freaking Bond by comparison! But most of all, thank you for being you! You're special, despite everything your cyber-contacts say about you! You may not be handsome, talented, smart, hygienic, dependable, likable, friendly, or wanted...but at least you're good with computers!
01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Settling the Score, Part 2
No sense wasting time on preamble here, is there? For those of you waiting on the edge of your proverbial seats for the conclusion to last week's countdown, the wait is over! And for those of you have no idea what I'm talking about...well, if you're the kind of person who reads an article labelled 'Part 2' without having read Part 1 first, then please seek professional help.
#8
UP Composed by: Michael Giacchino
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjAWAUc_33k&feature=related
Words cannot express the mad man-love I feel for Michael Giacchino. Aside from composing the sweeping score for LOST (which to date is probably THE best score I've ever heard for anything, ever, and the only reason it's not on this countdown is because I'm only dealing with films here), Giacchino's won an Academy Award for his work on Pixar's Up, and it's a well-deserved award at that. In just over 4 minutes, Giacchino takes us through the life of two sweet people who are wonderfully, happily in love with each other. He takes us through the sunny times, through the cloudy times, and through every cloudy-with-a-chance-of-sunshine-time in between. This is what romance should sound like, lads & lasses.
#7
TRANSFORMERS Composed by: Steve Jablonsky
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H0JDomv8ac
I think what makes this little tune so great is that no one was expecting it. It just doesn't feel like the kind of music one would associate with a movie whose primary means of self-promotion was a still frame of a sweaty, half-naked Megan Fox leaning over the engine of a dusty Camaro. I mean, sure, the film did blast its share of Linkin Parks and Wu-Tang Clans, but for the most part it had a pretty solid score based on a musical formula that would've fit anything Peter Jackson or Ridley Scott worked on. So points go to the big fucking robots for sounding so big fucking pretty! And Megan, for God's sake, please start returning my phone calls.
#6
BEVERLY HILLS COP Composed by: Harold Faltermeyer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IG8EdbrSVtc
If movie scores from the 80s could be summed up in one all-encompassing song, I think this would be it. Every one of the Beverly Hills Cop films plays this mercilessly, which means you WILL be humming it to yourself for hours afterwards. There is no escaping the endless humming. I'm pretty sure this eventually turned into a European dance hit, then an Internet meme, and from there it just got out of control. But this is where it all began: back in the days when Eddie Murphy being cast in a movie was a good thing. Remember that?
#5
GHOSTBUSTERS Performed by: Ray Parker Jr.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9We2XsVZfc&feature=fvst
When the song from an incredibly popular movie becomes just as popular as the movie itself, you know you've done something right. Go ahead: walk into any crowded store in any mall, stand in the middle of all the commotion, and bellow "Who you gonna call?"in as loud a voice as possible. At least one person in that store is going to respond by enthusiastically yelling this movie's title. All of the other people will probably call mall security. But at least you've proved a point.
#4
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN Performed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EynZ65x6Tmo
I think the best way to explain the reason this song works so well is that it literally sounds like adventure. If we were to some day make contact with an extraterrestrial race whose ears functioned in such a way that they could only be spoken to via musical notes, and these extraterrestrials were to say to us, "I've been told that you humans have a fondness for this thing called 'adventure'. What is adventure, exactly?", all we would have to do is play this song for them, at which point the aliens would respond with, "Oh, I understand! Adventure is a bunch of men in puffy sleeves sword-fighting one another atop random moving objects in extreme conditions with fun undertones to juxtapose all of the violent, terrifying things that are going on!" We would then tell the aliens that they're probably reading a bit too much into this, but, yes, that's exactly right.
#3
THE DA VINCI CODE Composed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5FyRZbqfeM
Zimmer, you handsome, talented subject of all my envious fantasies, you've certainly been hogging a lot of space on this countdown! Careful, if Danny Elfman gets wind of this, he might throw a tuba through your front window in a fit of jealous rage! The Da Vinci Code is a movie about a man named Robert Langdon making discoveries, both literally and spiritually within himself. And since both kinds of discoveries can be beautiful, haunting, and mysterious, Zimmer gives us this goosebump-inducing piece of music to illustrate that. I wouldn't be opposed to this kind of thing playing at my funeral...right after "The Thong Song", of course.
#2
SUPERMAN Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9vrfEoc8_g
Sure, Batman is nice and broody and everything, but if you're not into the emo superheroes who spend all of their free time contemplating new and exciting ways to slit their own wrists, then Superman and all of his amazing friends are right up your alley. This is one of the most victorious, heroic songs ever composed. There are eerie magical powers in these notes: they have the ability to make grown men and women toss aside their inhibitions, rip open their shirts, and extend their arms out in front of them with fists clenched, pretending to dodge asteroids or shoot heat beams from their eyes. I've been told that some types of crystal meth have been known to produce a similar result. The only difference is that the Superman theme doesn't need to be cooked or sold on a street corner by a toothless hooker named Agatha.
*DRUM ROLL* And my #1 Favouritest Movie Theme Ev-ar is....
#1
THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY Composed by: Ennio Morricone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQGGQ-FCe_w
It has now been over 120 years since the Golden Days of what we affectionately refer to as "The Wild West", so nobody alive today -with the possible exception of Mickey Rooney -has any idea what the Wild West was actually like. But if one wanted to experience it, one need only listen to this immortal tune. Click on the link above and listen for yourself: everything, literally everything you typically think of when you think of the Wild West can be heard in this two-and-a-half minute theme. If the Wild West makes you think of harmonicas, acoustic guitars, whistling cowboys, clinking spurs, galloping horses, Indian war drums, steam trains chugging along steel tracks, coyotes howling in the prairie, rattlesnakes shaking their tails in the high grass, the trumpeting of a cavalry charge, revolvers being fired, or stagecoach whips being cracked...you will hear ALL of that in this one simple but effective song. The West could not have been captured more perfectly than it is right here. To hell with virtual reality simulators: this puts you right in the middle of a dusty frontier, where you can almost see all of the aforementioned things passing by before disappearing into the sun-baked haze for parts unknown. This isn't a song about the Wild West; this is the Wild West. And therefore, for sheer authenticity alone, it's #1 in my books.
But enough about me, true believers. What do you think? What pieces of music make you quiver with delight? Please share. Preferably in graphic detail. Preferably over a drink or two at 10 o'clock tonight. We can meet in the Moonlight Lounge. I'll be the one wearing a cowboy hat. ;)
#8
UP Composed by: Michael Giacchino
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjAWAUc_33k&feature=related
Words cannot express the mad man-love I feel for Michael Giacchino. Aside from composing the sweeping score for LOST (which to date is probably THE best score I've ever heard for anything, ever, and the only reason it's not on this countdown is because I'm only dealing with films here), Giacchino's won an Academy Award for his work on Pixar's Up, and it's a well-deserved award at that. In just over 4 minutes, Giacchino takes us through the life of two sweet people who are wonderfully, happily in love with each other. He takes us through the sunny times, through the cloudy times, and through every cloudy-with-a-chance-of-sunshine-time in between. This is what romance should sound like, lads & lasses.
#7
TRANSFORMERS Composed by: Steve Jablonsky
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H0JDomv8ac
I think what makes this little tune so great is that no one was expecting it. It just doesn't feel like the kind of music one would associate with a movie whose primary means of self-promotion was a still frame of a sweaty, half-naked Megan Fox leaning over the engine of a dusty Camaro. I mean, sure, the film did blast its share of Linkin Parks and Wu-Tang Clans, but for the most part it had a pretty solid score based on a musical formula that would've fit anything Peter Jackson or Ridley Scott worked on. So points go to the big fucking robots for sounding so big fucking pretty! And Megan, for God's sake, please start returning my phone calls.
#6
BEVERLY HILLS COP Composed by: Harold Faltermeyer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IG8EdbrSVtc
If movie scores from the 80s could be summed up in one all-encompassing song, I think this would be it. Every one of the Beverly Hills Cop films plays this mercilessly, which means you WILL be humming it to yourself for hours afterwards. There is no escaping the endless humming. I'm pretty sure this eventually turned into a European dance hit, then an Internet meme, and from there it just got out of control. But this is where it all began: back in the days when Eddie Murphy being cast in a movie was a good thing. Remember that?
#5
GHOSTBUSTERS Performed by: Ray Parker Jr.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9We2XsVZfc&feature=fvst
When the song from an incredibly popular movie becomes just as popular as the movie itself, you know you've done something right. Go ahead: walk into any crowded store in any mall, stand in the middle of all the commotion, and bellow "Who you gonna call?"in as loud a voice as possible. At least one person in that store is going to respond by enthusiastically yelling this movie's title. All of the other people will probably call mall security. But at least you've proved a point.
#4
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN Performed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EynZ65x6Tmo
I think the best way to explain the reason this song works so well is that it literally sounds like adventure. If we were to some day make contact with an extraterrestrial race whose ears functioned in such a way that they could only be spoken to via musical notes, and these extraterrestrials were to say to us, "I've been told that you humans have a fondness for this thing called 'adventure'. What is adventure, exactly?", all we would have to do is play this song for them, at which point the aliens would respond with, "Oh, I understand! Adventure is a bunch of men in puffy sleeves sword-fighting one another atop random moving objects in extreme conditions with fun undertones to juxtapose all of the violent, terrifying things that are going on!" We would then tell the aliens that they're probably reading a bit too much into this, but, yes, that's exactly right.
#3
THE DA VINCI CODE Composed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5FyRZbqfeM
Zimmer, you handsome, talented subject of all my envious fantasies, you've certainly been hogging a lot of space on this countdown! Careful, if Danny Elfman gets wind of this, he might throw a tuba through your front window in a fit of jealous rage! The Da Vinci Code is a movie about a man named Robert Langdon making discoveries, both literally and spiritually within himself. And since both kinds of discoveries can be beautiful, haunting, and mysterious, Zimmer gives us this goosebump-inducing piece of music to illustrate that. I wouldn't be opposed to this kind of thing playing at my funeral...right after "The Thong Song", of course.
#2
SUPERMAN Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9vrfEoc8_g
Sure, Batman is nice and broody and everything, but if you're not into the emo superheroes who spend all of their free time contemplating new and exciting ways to slit their own wrists, then Superman and all of his amazing friends are right up your alley. This is one of the most victorious, heroic songs ever composed. There are eerie magical powers in these notes: they have the ability to make grown men and women toss aside their inhibitions, rip open their shirts, and extend their arms out in front of them with fists clenched, pretending to dodge asteroids or shoot heat beams from their eyes. I've been told that some types of crystal meth have been known to produce a similar result. The only difference is that the Superman theme doesn't need to be cooked or sold on a street corner by a toothless hooker named Agatha.
*DRUM ROLL* And my #1 Favouritest Movie Theme Ev-ar is....
#1
THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY Composed by: Ennio Morricone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQGGQ-FCe_w
It has now been over 120 years since the Golden Days of what we affectionately refer to as "The Wild West", so nobody alive today -with the possible exception of Mickey Rooney -has any idea what the Wild West was actually like. But if one wanted to experience it, one need only listen to this immortal tune. Click on the link above and listen for yourself: everything, literally everything you typically think of when you think of the Wild West can be heard in this two-and-a-half minute theme. If the Wild West makes you think of harmonicas, acoustic guitars, whistling cowboys, clinking spurs, galloping horses, Indian war drums, steam trains chugging along steel tracks, coyotes howling in the prairie, rattlesnakes shaking their tails in the high grass, the trumpeting of a cavalry charge, revolvers being fired, or stagecoach whips being cracked...you will hear ALL of that in this one simple but effective song. The West could not have been captured more perfectly than it is right here. To hell with virtual reality simulators: this puts you right in the middle of a dusty frontier, where you can almost see all of the aforementioned things passing by before disappearing into the sun-baked haze for parts unknown. This isn't a song about the Wild West; this is the Wild West. And therefore, for sheer authenticity alone, it's #1 in my books.
But enough about me, true believers. What do you think? What pieces of music make you quiver with delight? Please share. Preferably in graphic detail. Preferably over a drink or two at 10 o'clock tonight. We can meet in the Moonlight Lounge. I'll be the one wearing a cowboy hat. ;)
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Settling the Score, Part 1
There comes a time in every man's life when he has to bite the bullet and create a Top 10 list about something. I am not every man.
Whenever I mention that I have an entertainment blog where I chat about TV shows, videogames, and movies, I get a lot of people telling me, "Oh, then you should totally do an article about your Top 10 Favourite TV shows, videogames, and movies of all time!" Which normally might sound like a fun idea, but seeing as how I'm not some kind of Internet celebrity or anything, the majority of people who end up reading these posts already know me well enough to be 100% certain of what my #1 favourite TV show, videogame, and movie will be. For those of you who don't know the answer to those questions, I'll clear that up now: A) LOST, B) Assassin's Creed II, and C) A tie between Back to the Future and Star Wars. There. All done!
Still, I was intrigued by the idea of making a Top Something list, and after some moments of humming and hawing I finally came up with something that I think everyone can enjoy. Not only have I never seen this particular list done before, but it's also something that people who know me very well probably would never be able to guess.
So, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, please find enclosed my first Top Something list on TQM: my Top 16 Favourite Movie Theme Songs.
I believe a movie is only as good as its music. Imagine some of your favourite films without a score as accompaniment: be pretty boring, wouldn't they? So as a tribute to this fading art, I humbly present to you the first part of the list, with the latter half coming next week. Provided are YouTube links as well, so you can listen to your hearts' content. Now let's not waste any more time faffing about.
#16
TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY Composed by: Brad Fiedel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGrH901xMFI
This sad, unsettling little ditty is usually stuck in anyone's head for a few days after they watch a Terminator movie, and with good reason. The simple techno-beat gives it that unnatural, synthetic feeling that one gets when they look upon the Terminators (or Schwarzenegger himself, for that matter). It's the same theme from the first movie, just kicked up another notch with some more epic instrumentation and frightening glimpses of humanity's forthcoming annihilation. Also, I dare you to listen to this without sticking your thumb up into the air and slowly lowering it.
#15
FUTURAMA: BENDER'S BIG SCORE Composed by: Christopher Tyng
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt1wg7bcjxA
Generally, when a beloved TV show gets made into a movie (even if it's just a direct-to-DVD movie like this one) its a cause for celebration for the fans. And this song does nothing if not celebrate the show's glorious return. Taking the classic theme and extending it with a few rump-shaking, foot-tapping new chords, Tyng expresses the happiness of both the fans and the characters themselves. The show everyone liked has just been renewed, it's returning bigger and better than ever with an HD movie, all is right with the Futurama world. This was the perfect way to kick off this movie.
#14
THE DARK KNIGHT Composed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1B3Mgklfd0
Get used to seeing Hans Zimmer's name on this countdown: that guy can make doing taxes sound epic. While the scores for Chris Nolan's bat-flicks are somewhat simpler than those in the movies that came before, they still maintain that quality standard of awesomeness that Bat-fans have come to expect. Listening to this piece, it's easy to imagine Batman grappling across rooftops under a full Gotham moon, beating the shit out of Joker goons. The strings alone are enough to give you goosebumps. Hell, they pretty much copy-pasted this music for the Arkham Asylum videogames.
#13
INDIANA JONES Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bTpp8PQSog
This actually would have been a bit lower on the list, but it's just so gosh-darned fun I had to put it above The Dark Knight. There isn't really anything I could say to do this song credit, so let me just put it this way: play this song at a party one day when a small group of friends are around. About eight seconds into it, count how many of your friends have starting cracking invisible whips or somersaulting across your living room floor whilst pretending to evade a giant boulder that only they can see. You know when you're on a plane and the little screens in the seats show you how far the plane is progressing across its flight path? Yeah, they TOTALLY need to have this playing when that happens.
#12
STAR WARS Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXcoM_AHuk8
Star Wars is just one of those movies that is literally defined by its music. George Lucas himself has said on numerous occasions that it's essentially a dialogue-free film with score serving as the main storytelling device. With a talented composer like John Williams at his beck and call, Lucas has every right to make that claim. You need only hear the first few notes of any piece of Star Wars music and its immediately identifiable, even to non-fans. The Force is strong with William's conductor baton, you've got to give him that.
#11
SAW Composed by: Charlie Clouser
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhSHXGM7kgE
This may seem like a weird choice at first, but I really dig this song. It caps off the end of pretty much every Saw movie, and it fits every time. It's just the right kind of music to accompany the big reveal of Jigsaw's latest crazy game. Every time those strings rise to that creep-as-hell crescendo, you sit there thinking, "Oh, shit, the whole time that was happening?!" It's a also a nice little callback to a time when all horror movies had iconic themes: Halloween, Friday the 13th, etc. This is a great little piece of music, and such a kick-ass way to end these movies.
#10
BATMAN Composed by: Danny Elfman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6frI0Xjufg
All I can say here is: what a great way to musically introduce the movie-going world to the Caped Crusader. I remember every kid on the playground raising their fists with glee and leaping around humming this tune, thanks to the fact that it was adopted as the main theme of the Batman Animated Series later on. When someone says the word "Batman" to me, I don't think of a guy in black armor with a cape: I think of this ear-tickling sucker. If every movie opened with a piece of music as bitchin' as this, the terrorists would have less reasons to hate us.
#9
ROCKY Composed by: Bill Conti
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioE_O7Lm0I4
Fuck "We Are the Champions": if you want to make a lazy person less lazy, crank this piece of music on the speakers and watch the magic. This could make a 300-pound, Cheeto-scarfing shut-in leap off the couch, pull on a track suit, and go running down the street, fists swinging and knees buckling. It's the quintessential victory dance. You could literally walk down the aisle to this at your wedding day if you wanted to, and nobody would bat an eyelash. Not only does it get you pumped, but its inspirational enough that it might even bring a small tear of joy to your eyes. And when music reaches that level of excellence, you know you've got something worthy of the championship title.
That's all for now. Next week: the conclusion.
Whenever I mention that I have an entertainment blog where I chat about TV shows, videogames, and movies, I get a lot of people telling me, "Oh, then you should totally do an article about your Top 10 Favourite TV shows, videogames, and movies of all time!" Which normally might sound like a fun idea, but seeing as how I'm not some kind of Internet celebrity or anything, the majority of people who end up reading these posts already know me well enough to be 100% certain of what my #1 favourite TV show, videogame, and movie will be. For those of you who don't know the answer to those questions, I'll clear that up now: A) LOST, B) Assassin's Creed II, and C) A tie between Back to the Future and Star Wars. There. All done!
Still, I was intrigued by the idea of making a Top Something list, and after some moments of humming and hawing I finally came up with something that I think everyone can enjoy. Not only have I never seen this particular list done before, but it's also something that people who know me very well probably would never be able to guess.
So, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, please find enclosed my first Top Something list on TQM: my Top 16 Favourite Movie Theme Songs.
I believe a movie is only as good as its music. Imagine some of your favourite films without a score as accompaniment: be pretty boring, wouldn't they? So as a tribute to this fading art, I humbly present to you the first part of the list, with the latter half coming next week. Provided are YouTube links as well, so you can listen to your hearts' content. Now let's not waste any more time faffing about.
#16
TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY Composed by: Brad Fiedel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGrH901xMFI
This sad, unsettling little ditty is usually stuck in anyone's head for a few days after they watch a Terminator movie, and with good reason. The simple techno-beat gives it that unnatural, synthetic feeling that one gets when they look upon the Terminators (or Schwarzenegger himself, for that matter). It's the same theme from the first movie, just kicked up another notch with some more epic instrumentation and frightening glimpses of humanity's forthcoming annihilation. Also, I dare you to listen to this without sticking your thumb up into the air and slowly lowering it.
#15
FUTURAMA: BENDER'S BIG SCORE Composed by: Christopher Tyng
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt1wg7bcjxA
Generally, when a beloved TV show gets made into a movie (even if it's just a direct-to-DVD movie like this one) its a cause for celebration for the fans. And this song does nothing if not celebrate the show's glorious return. Taking the classic theme and extending it with a few rump-shaking, foot-tapping new chords, Tyng expresses the happiness of both the fans and the characters themselves. The show everyone liked has just been renewed, it's returning bigger and better than ever with an HD movie, all is right with the Futurama world. This was the perfect way to kick off this movie.
#14
THE DARK KNIGHT Composed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1B3Mgklfd0
Get used to seeing Hans Zimmer's name on this countdown: that guy can make doing taxes sound epic. While the scores for Chris Nolan's bat-flicks are somewhat simpler than those in the movies that came before, they still maintain that quality standard of awesomeness that Bat-fans have come to expect. Listening to this piece, it's easy to imagine Batman grappling across rooftops under a full Gotham moon, beating the shit out of Joker goons. The strings alone are enough to give you goosebumps. Hell, they pretty much copy-pasted this music for the Arkham Asylum videogames.
#13
INDIANA JONES Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bTpp8PQSog
This actually would have been a bit lower on the list, but it's just so gosh-darned fun I had to put it above The Dark Knight. There isn't really anything I could say to do this song credit, so let me just put it this way: play this song at a party one day when a small group of friends are around. About eight seconds into it, count how many of your friends have starting cracking invisible whips or somersaulting across your living room floor whilst pretending to evade a giant boulder that only they can see. You know when you're on a plane and the little screens in the seats show you how far the plane is progressing across its flight path? Yeah, they TOTALLY need to have this playing when that happens.
#12
STAR WARS Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXcoM_AHuk8
Star Wars is just one of those movies that is literally defined by its music. George Lucas himself has said on numerous occasions that it's essentially a dialogue-free film with score serving as the main storytelling device. With a talented composer like John Williams at his beck and call, Lucas has every right to make that claim. You need only hear the first few notes of any piece of Star Wars music and its immediately identifiable, even to non-fans. The Force is strong with William's conductor baton, you've got to give him that.
#11
SAW Composed by: Charlie Clouser
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhSHXGM7kgE
This may seem like a weird choice at first, but I really dig this song. It caps off the end of pretty much every Saw movie, and it fits every time. It's just the right kind of music to accompany the big reveal of Jigsaw's latest crazy game. Every time those strings rise to that creep-as-hell crescendo, you sit there thinking, "Oh, shit, the whole time that was happening?!" It's a also a nice little callback to a time when all horror movies had iconic themes: Halloween, Friday the 13th, etc. This is a great little piece of music, and such a kick-ass way to end these movies.
#10
BATMAN Composed by: Danny Elfman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6frI0Xjufg
All I can say here is: what a great way to musically introduce the movie-going world to the Caped Crusader. I remember every kid on the playground raising their fists with glee and leaping around humming this tune, thanks to the fact that it was adopted as the main theme of the Batman Animated Series later on. When someone says the word "Batman" to me, I don't think of a guy in black armor with a cape: I think of this ear-tickling sucker. If every movie opened with a piece of music as bitchin' as this, the terrorists would have less reasons to hate us.
#9
ROCKY Composed by: Bill Conti
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioE_O7Lm0I4
Fuck "We Are the Champions": if you want to make a lazy person less lazy, crank this piece of music on the speakers and watch the magic. This could make a 300-pound, Cheeto-scarfing shut-in leap off the couch, pull on a track suit, and go running down the street, fists swinging and knees buckling. It's the quintessential victory dance. You could literally walk down the aisle to this at your wedding day if you wanted to, and nobody would bat an eyelash. Not only does it get you pumped, but its inspirational enough that it might even bring a small tear of joy to your eyes. And when music reaches that level of excellence, you know you've got something worthy of the championship title.
That's all for now. Next week: the conclusion.
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