I received a series of messages from friends and co-workers today telling me that my e-mail has been hacked. They could tell because they received strange e-mails from someone claiming to be "Me" with tips on switching long distance providers and enlarging your penis naturally. I of course have no knowledge on either subject, so, naturally, the messages were sent by an anonymous hacker who somehow wormed his way into my e-mail account. I apologize to any of my friends who genuinely believed the hacked subject lines claiming that I could have "SaveZ them big money $$$ on the Cars insurance yes".
In light of this recent event, I decided that at the end of the day this whole issue would make a great topic for this week's TQM post. So I'm dedicating this post to that special group of people who dominate many of the more sunlight-deprived corners of our society, that wonderful team of worthless wonders who make the world wide web as wild n' wacky as it is.
Hackers...this one's for you. :)
It must have been a slow, boring day in the sweaty little corner of your mother's basement that you call home, because you spent a lot of time hacking into my account and now have nothing to show for it. I'd hate to think that you're whiling away your precious, precious time on jerks like me whose accounts have nothing good to offer. So to help you guys out, I've compiled a small list of things that you could do that would be a much more productive use of your time. I would have sent this all to you via e-mail, but I'm sure you'll bust your way into it on your own sooner or later! Enjoy!
-LEARN TO BREATHE THROUGH YOUR NOSE. Your all-Cheeto diet may sound great in theory, but cheese starts to fester after a while between those beautiful unbrushed gums of yours. Panting heavily from the mouth will give these odors free access into the air, and may cause discomfort to those around you. A few quick inhale/exhale nasal exercises, and you'll be the most considerate and less creepy person in your very small circle of friends!
-DISCOVER THE OUTDOORS. Your computer might run on an operating system called Windows. Fun fact: the Windows OS was named for special panes of glass outfitted on the sides of buildings and structures, which can be opened to allow the flow of fresh air. A similar implementation known as doors can be pulled open wide enough for human beings (even ones as wide as yourself!) to access areas outside of the house/apartment. You might even see some direct sunlight! But careful: you'll peel.
-LEARN WHAT A 'SALAD' IS. As hilariously strange as it may sound, a Snickers bar and two bottles of Mountain Dew Code Red do not equal a healthy, square meal! I know, right?! I was shocked, too! But from what I hear, a quick "salad" (a medley of random vegetables tossed together in a bowl like a variety of your favourite rock songs mixed into an iPod Shuffle) and some strips of "chicken" (the real kind, not the nuggets McDonald's sells) not only taste fantastic, but they can do wonders for your waistline! Plus, before you know it, those red marks on your face and back and stomach and chest and neck will clear right up!
-PURCHASE SOME DEODORANT FROM YOUR LOCAL DRUGSTORE. Did you know that deodorant smells fantastic? And there are dozens of different scents to choose from, too! Don't like "Icy Blast"? No problem. You can get "Fresh Spring" or "Mint Ice" instead! After discovering, removing, and eating that piece of beef jerky you've had under your arm for three weeks, you'll want something to freshen up that area, and deodorant is quick and easy! It will also make the "Breathing Through Your Nose" process a lot more tolerable!
-START A RELATIONSHIP. You could meet a lovely girl in person somewhere and strike up an intelligent conversation about haaaahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Next.
-TAKE A HIGH-SCHOOL ENGLISH COURSE. Expand your vocabulary to include words other than "macro" and "html"! Not many people are going to be fooled if you send them an e-mail from one of their hacked friends' accounts that says "I can makk monee 4 you teh $avings it nice pleasz helllp." One quick seminar, and you'll be conjugating verbs like the pros do! It's quick, easy, and beneficial! Or better yet, use those vast, superior computer skills of yours and learn how to use Spell Check, for Christ's sake! I mean, what are you, a retard?!
I'm not a famous person. I'm not a rich person. I don't have access to exclusive information. On top of it all, I don't know anyone who is rich, famous, or has access to exclusive information. Therefore, there are absolutely ZERO (0) reasons anyone could possibly have to hack into my personal e-mails and start dicking around. Which obviously leaves only one possible explanation for your actions: you're a genuine, bona fide moron whose mind, body, and soul are so scarily identical to those of Jabba the Hutt that I wouldn't be surprised if a Kowakian Monkey-Lizard sits at your feet and hoots with obnoxious laughter every time you press Enter on that lifeline you call a keyboard!
So, thank you! Thank you for hacking into my account and annoying all of my friends as well as myself! Thank you for being a greasy troll who contributes absolutely nothing to society! Thank you for making Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons look like James freaking Bond by comparison! But most of all, thank you for being you! You're special, despite everything your cyber-contacts say about you! You may not be handsome, talented, smart, hygienic, dependable, likable, friendly, or wanted...but at least you're good with computers!
01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Settling the Score, Part 2
No sense wasting time on preamble here, is there? For those of you waiting on the edge of your proverbial seats for the conclusion to last week's countdown, the wait is over! And for those of you have no idea what I'm talking about...well, if you're the kind of person who reads an article labelled 'Part 2' without having read Part 1 first, then please seek professional help.
#8
UP Composed by: Michael Giacchino
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjAWAUc_33k&feature=related
Words cannot express the mad man-love I feel for Michael Giacchino. Aside from composing the sweeping score for LOST (which to date is probably THE best score I've ever heard for anything, ever, and the only reason it's not on this countdown is because I'm only dealing with films here), Giacchino's won an Academy Award for his work on Pixar's Up, and it's a well-deserved award at that. In just over 4 minutes, Giacchino takes us through the life of two sweet people who are wonderfully, happily in love with each other. He takes us through the sunny times, through the cloudy times, and through every cloudy-with-a-chance-of-sunshine-time in between. This is what romance should sound like, lads & lasses.
#7
TRANSFORMERS Composed by: Steve Jablonsky
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H0JDomv8ac
I think what makes this little tune so great is that no one was expecting it. It just doesn't feel like the kind of music one would associate with a movie whose primary means of self-promotion was a still frame of a sweaty, half-naked Megan Fox leaning over the engine of a dusty Camaro. I mean, sure, the film did blast its share of Linkin Parks and Wu-Tang Clans, but for the most part it had a pretty solid score based on a musical formula that would've fit anything Peter Jackson or Ridley Scott worked on. So points go to the big fucking robots for sounding so big fucking pretty! And Megan, for God's sake, please start returning my phone calls.
#6
BEVERLY HILLS COP Composed by: Harold Faltermeyer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IG8EdbrSVtc
If movie scores from the 80s could be summed up in one all-encompassing song, I think this would be it. Every one of the Beverly Hills Cop films plays this mercilessly, which means you WILL be humming it to yourself for hours afterwards. There is no escaping the endless humming. I'm pretty sure this eventually turned into a European dance hit, then an Internet meme, and from there it just got out of control. But this is where it all began: back in the days when Eddie Murphy being cast in a movie was a good thing. Remember that?
#5
GHOSTBUSTERS Performed by: Ray Parker Jr.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9We2XsVZfc&feature=fvst
When the song from an incredibly popular movie becomes just as popular as the movie itself, you know you've done something right. Go ahead: walk into any crowded store in any mall, stand in the middle of all the commotion, and bellow "Who you gonna call?"in as loud a voice as possible. At least one person in that store is going to respond by enthusiastically yelling this movie's title. All of the other people will probably call mall security. But at least you've proved a point.
#4
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN Performed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EynZ65x6Tmo
I think the best way to explain the reason this song works so well is that it literally sounds like adventure. If we were to some day make contact with an extraterrestrial race whose ears functioned in such a way that they could only be spoken to via musical notes, and these extraterrestrials were to say to us, "I've been told that you humans have a fondness for this thing called 'adventure'. What is adventure, exactly?", all we would have to do is play this song for them, at which point the aliens would respond with, "Oh, I understand! Adventure is a bunch of men in puffy sleeves sword-fighting one another atop random moving objects in extreme conditions with fun undertones to juxtapose all of the violent, terrifying things that are going on!" We would then tell the aliens that they're probably reading a bit too much into this, but, yes, that's exactly right.
#3
THE DA VINCI CODE Composed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5FyRZbqfeM
Zimmer, you handsome, talented subject of all my envious fantasies, you've certainly been hogging a lot of space on this countdown! Careful, if Danny Elfman gets wind of this, he might throw a tuba through your front window in a fit of jealous rage! The Da Vinci Code is a movie about a man named Robert Langdon making discoveries, both literally and spiritually within himself. And since both kinds of discoveries can be beautiful, haunting, and mysterious, Zimmer gives us this goosebump-inducing piece of music to illustrate that. I wouldn't be opposed to this kind of thing playing at my funeral...right after "The Thong Song", of course.
#2
SUPERMAN Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9vrfEoc8_g
Sure, Batman is nice and broody and everything, but if you're not into the emo superheroes who spend all of their free time contemplating new and exciting ways to slit their own wrists, then Superman and all of his amazing friends are right up your alley. This is one of the most victorious, heroic songs ever composed. There are eerie magical powers in these notes: they have the ability to make grown men and women toss aside their inhibitions, rip open their shirts, and extend their arms out in front of them with fists clenched, pretending to dodge asteroids or shoot heat beams from their eyes. I've been told that some types of crystal meth have been known to produce a similar result. The only difference is that the Superman theme doesn't need to be cooked or sold on a street corner by a toothless hooker named Agatha.
*DRUM ROLL* And my #1 Favouritest Movie Theme Ev-ar is....
#1
THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY Composed by: Ennio Morricone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQGGQ-FCe_w
It has now been over 120 years since the Golden Days of what we affectionately refer to as "The Wild West", so nobody alive today -with the possible exception of Mickey Rooney -has any idea what the Wild West was actually like. But if one wanted to experience it, one need only listen to this immortal tune. Click on the link above and listen for yourself: everything, literally everything you typically think of when you think of the Wild West can be heard in this two-and-a-half minute theme. If the Wild West makes you think of harmonicas, acoustic guitars, whistling cowboys, clinking spurs, galloping horses, Indian war drums, steam trains chugging along steel tracks, coyotes howling in the prairie, rattlesnakes shaking their tails in the high grass, the trumpeting of a cavalry charge, revolvers being fired, or stagecoach whips being cracked...you will hear ALL of that in this one simple but effective song. The West could not have been captured more perfectly than it is right here. To hell with virtual reality simulators: this puts you right in the middle of a dusty frontier, where you can almost see all of the aforementioned things passing by before disappearing into the sun-baked haze for parts unknown. This isn't a song about the Wild West; this is the Wild West. And therefore, for sheer authenticity alone, it's #1 in my books.
But enough about me, true believers. What do you think? What pieces of music make you quiver with delight? Please share. Preferably in graphic detail. Preferably over a drink or two at 10 o'clock tonight. We can meet in the Moonlight Lounge. I'll be the one wearing a cowboy hat. ;)
#8
UP Composed by: Michael Giacchino
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjAWAUc_33k&feature=related
Words cannot express the mad man-love I feel for Michael Giacchino. Aside from composing the sweeping score for LOST (which to date is probably THE best score I've ever heard for anything, ever, and the only reason it's not on this countdown is because I'm only dealing with films here), Giacchino's won an Academy Award for his work on Pixar's Up, and it's a well-deserved award at that. In just over 4 minutes, Giacchino takes us through the life of two sweet people who are wonderfully, happily in love with each other. He takes us through the sunny times, through the cloudy times, and through every cloudy-with-a-chance-of-sunshine-time in between. This is what romance should sound like, lads & lasses.
#7
TRANSFORMERS Composed by: Steve Jablonsky
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H0JDomv8ac
I think what makes this little tune so great is that no one was expecting it. It just doesn't feel like the kind of music one would associate with a movie whose primary means of self-promotion was a still frame of a sweaty, half-naked Megan Fox leaning over the engine of a dusty Camaro. I mean, sure, the film did blast its share of Linkin Parks and Wu-Tang Clans, but for the most part it had a pretty solid score based on a musical formula that would've fit anything Peter Jackson or Ridley Scott worked on. So points go to the big fucking robots for sounding so big fucking pretty! And Megan, for God's sake, please start returning my phone calls.
#6
BEVERLY HILLS COP Composed by: Harold Faltermeyer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IG8EdbrSVtc
If movie scores from the 80s could be summed up in one all-encompassing song, I think this would be it. Every one of the Beverly Hills Cop films plays this mercilessly, which means you WILL be humming it to yourself for hours afterwards. There is no escaping the endless humming. I'm pretty sure this eventually turned into a European dance hit, then an Internet meme, and from there it just got out of control. But this is where it all began: back in the days when Eddie Murphy being cast in a movie was a good thing. Remember that?
#5
GHOSTBUSTERS Performed by: Ray Parker Jr.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9We2XsVZfc&feature=fvst
When the song from an incredibly popular movie becomes just as popular as the movie itself, you know you've done something right. Go ahead: walk into any crowded store in any mall, stand in the middle of all the commotion, and bellow "Who you gonna call?"in as loud a voice as possible. At least one person in that store is going to respond by enthusiastically yelling this movie's title. All of the other people will probably call mall security. But at least you've proved a point.
#4
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN Performed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EynZ65x6Tmo
I think the best way to explain the reason this song works so well is that it literally sounds like adventure. If we were to some day make contact with an extraterrestrial race whose ears functioned in such a way that they could only be spoken to via musical notes, and these extraterrestrials were to say to us, "I've been told that you humans have a fondness for this thing called 'adventure'. What is adventure, exactly?", all we would have to do is play this song for them, at which point the aliens would respond with, "Oh, I understand! Adventure is a bunch of men in puffy sleeves sword-fighting one another atop random moving objects in extreme conditions with fun undertones to juxtapose all of the violent, terrifying things that are going on!" We would then tell the aliens that they're probably reading a bit too much into this, but, yes, that's exactly right.
#3
THE DA VINCI CODE Composed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5FyRZbqfeM
Zimmer, you handsome, talented subject of all my envious fantasies, you've certainly been hogging a lot of space on this countdown! Careful, if Danny Elfman gets wind of this, he might throw a tuba through your front window in a fit of jealous rage! The Da Vinci Code is a movie about a man named Robert Langdon making discoveries, both literally and spiritually within himself. And since both kinds of discoveries can be beautiful, haunting, and mysterious, Zimmer gives us this goosebump-inducing piece of music to illustrate that. I wouldn't be opposed to this kind of thing playing at my funeral...right after "The Thong Song", of course.
#2
SUPERMAN Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9vrfEoc8_g
Sure, Batman is nice and broody and everything, but if you're not into the emo superheroes who spend all of their free time contemplating new and exciting ways to slit their own wrists, then Superman and all of his amazing friends are right up your alley. This is one of the most victorious, heroic songs ever composed. There are eerie magical powers in these notes: they have the ability to make grown men and women toss aside their inhibitions, rip open their shirts, and extend their arms out in front of them with fists clenched, pretending to dodge asteroids or shoot heat beams from their eyes. I've been told that some types of crystal meth have been known to produce a similar result. The only difference is that the Superman theme doesn't need to be cooked or sold on a street corner by a toothless hooker named Agatha.
*DRUM ROLL* And my #1 Favouritest Movie Theme Ev-ar is....
#1
THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY Composed by: Ennio Morricone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQGGQ-FCe_w
It has now been over 120 years since the Golden Days of what we affectionately refer to as "The Wild West", so nobody alive today -with the possible exception of Mickey Rooney -has any idea what the Wild West was actually like. But if one wanted to experience it, one need only listen to this immortal tune. Click on the link above and listen for yourself: everything, literally everything you typically think of when you think of the Wild West can be heard in this two-and-a-half minute theme. If the Wild West makes you think of harmonicas, acoustic guitars, whistling cowboys, clinking spurs, galloping horses, Indian war drums, steam trains chugging along steel tracks, coyotes howling in the prairie, rattlesnakes shaking their tails in the high grass, the trumpeting of a cavalry charge, revolvers being fired, or stagecoach whips being cracked...you will hear ALL of that in this one simple but effective song. The West could not have been captured more perfectly than it is right here. To hell with virtual reality simulators: this puts you right in the middle of a dusty frontier, where you can almost see all of the aforementioned things passing by before disappearing into the sun-baked haze for parts unknown. This isn't a song about the Wild West; this is the Wild West. And therefore, for sheer authenticity alone, it's #1 in my books.
But enough about me, true believers. What do you think? What pieces of music make you quiver with delight? Please share. Preferably in graphic detail. Preferably over a drink or two at 10 o'clock tonight. We can meet in the Moonlight Lounge. I'll be the one wearing a cowboy hat. ;)
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Settling the Score, Part 1
There comes a time in every man's life when he has to bite the bullet and create a Top 10 list about something. I am not every man.
Whenever I mention that I have an entertainment blog where I chat about TV shows, videogames, and movies, I get a lot of people telling me, "Oh, then you should totally do an article about your Top 10 Favourite TV shows, videogames, and movies of all time!" Which normally might sound like a fun idea, but seeing as how I'm not some kind of Internet celebrity or anything, the majority of people who end up reading these posts already know me well enough to be 100% certain of what my #1 favourite TV show, videogame, and movie will be. For those of you who don't know the answer to those questions, I'll clear that up now: A) LOST, B) Assassin's Creed II, and C) A tie between Back to the Future and Star Wars. There. All done!
Still, I was intrigued by the idea of making a Top Something list, and after some moments of humming and hawing I finally came up with something that I think everyone can enjoy. Not only have I never seen this particular list done before, but it's also something that people who know me very well probably would never be able to guess.
So, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, please find enclosed my first Top Something list on TQM: my Top 16 Favourite Movie Theme Songs.
I believe a movie is only as good as its music. Imagine some of your favourite films without a score as accompaniment: be pretty boring, wouldn't they? So as a tribute to this fading art, I humbly present to you the first part of the list, with the latter half coming next week. Provided are YouTube links as well, so you can listen to your hearts' content. Now let's not waste any more time faffing about.
#16
TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY Composed by: Brad Fiedel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGrH901xMFI
This sad, unsettling little ditty is usually stuck in anyone's head for a few days after they watch a Terminator movie, and with good reason. The simple techno-beat gives it that unnatural, synthetic feeling that one gets when they look upon the Terminators (or Schwarzenegger himself, for that matter). It's the same theme from the first movie, just kicked up another notch with some more epic instrumentation and frightening glimpses of humanity's forthcoming annihilation. Also, I dare you to listen to this without sticking your thumb up into the air and slowly lowering it.
#15
FUTURAMA: BENDER'S BIG SCORE Composed by: Christopher Tyng
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt1wg7bcjxA
Generally, when a beloved TV show gets made into a movie (even if it's just a direct-to-DVD movie like this one) its a cause for celebration for the fans. And this song does nothing if not celebrate the show's glorious return. Taking the classic theme and extending it with a few rump-shaking, foot-tapping new chords, Tyng expresses the happiness of both the fans and the characters themselves. The show everyone liked has just been renewed, it's returning bigger and better than ever with an HD movie, all is right with the Futurama world. This was the perfect way to kick off this movie.
#14
THE DARK KNIGHT Composed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1B3Mgklfd0
Get used to seeing Hans Zimmer's name on this countdown: that guy can make doing taxes sound epic. While the scores for Chris Nolan's bat-flicks are somewhat simpler than those in the movies that came before, they still maintain that quality standard of awesomeness that Bat-fans have come to expect. Listening to this piece, it's easy to imagine Batman grappling across rooftops under a full Gotham moon, beating the shit out of Joker goons. The strings alone are enough to give you goosebumps. Hell, they pretty much copy-pasted this music for the Arkham Asylum videogames.
#13
INDIANA JONES Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bTpp8PQSog
This actually would have been a bit lower on the list, but it's just so gosh-darned fun I had to put it above The Dark Knight. There isn't really anything I could say to do this song credit, so let me just put it this way: play this song at a party one day when a small group of friends are around. About eight seconds into it, count how many of your friends have starting cracking invisible whips or somersaulting across your living room floor whilst pretending to evade a giant boulder that only they can see. You know when you're on a plane and the little screens in the seats show you how far the plane is progressing across its flight path? Yeah, they TOTALLY need to have this playing when that happens.
#12
STAR WARS Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXcoM_AHuk8
Star Wars is just one of those movies that is literally defined by its music. George Lucas himself has said on numerous occasions that it's essentially a dialogue-free film with score serving as the main storytelling device. With a talented composer like John Williams at his beck and call, Lucas has every right to make that claim. You need only hear the first few notes of any piece of Star Wars music and its immediately identifiable, even to non-fans. The Force is strong with William's conductor baton, you've got to give him that.
#11
SAW Composed by: Charlie Clouser
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhSHXGM7kgE
This may seem like a weird choice at first, but I really dig this song. It caps off the end of pretty much every Saw movie, and it fits every time. It's just the right kind of music to accompany the big reveal of Jigsaw's latest crazy game. Every time those strings rise to that creep-as-hell crescendo, you sit there thinking, "Oh, shit, the whole time that was happening?!" It's a also a nice little callback to a time when all horror movies had iconic themes: Halloween, Friday the 13th, etc. This is a great little piece of music, and such a kick-ass way to end these movies.
#10
BATMAN Composed by: Danny Elfman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6frI0Xjufg
All I can say here is: what a great way to musically introduce the movie-going world to the Caped Crusader. I remember every kid on the playground raising their fists with glee and leaping around humming this tune, thanks to the fact that it was adopted as the main theme of the Batman Animated Series later on. When someone says the word "Batman" to me, I don't think of a guy in black armor with a cape: I think of this ear-tickling sucker. If every movie opened with a piece of music as bitchin' as this, the terrorists would have less reasons to hate us.
#9
ROCKY Composed by: Bill Conti
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioE_O7Lm0I4
Fuck "We Are the Champions": if you want to make a lazy person less lazy, crank this piece of music on the speakers and watch the magic. This could make a 300-pound, Cheeto-scarfing shut-in leap off the couch, pull on a track suit, and go running down the street, fists swinging and knees buckling. It's the quintessential victory dance. You could literally walk down the aisle to this at your wedding day if you wanted to, and nobody would bat an eyelash. Not only does it get you pumped, but its inspirational enough that it might even bring a small tear of joy to your eyes. And when music reaches that level of excellence, you know you've got something worthy of the championship title.
That's all for now. Next week: the conclusion.
Whenever I mention that I have an entertainment blog where I chat about TV shows, videogames, and movies, I get a lot of people telling me, "Oh, then you should totally do an article about your Top 10 Favourite TV shows, videogames, and movies of all time!" Which normally might sound like a fun idea, but seeing as how I'm not some kind of Internet celebrity or anything, the majority of people who end up reading these posts already know me well enough to be 100% certain of what my #1 favourite TV show, videogame, and movie will be. For those of you who don't know the answer to those questions, I'll clear that up now: A) LOST, B) Assassin's Creed II, and C) A tie between Back to the Future and Star Wars. There. All done!
Still, I was intrigued by the idea of making a Top Something list, and after some moments of humming and hawing I finally came up with something that I think everyone can enjoy. Not only have I never seen this particular list done before, but it's also something that people who know me very well probably would never be able to guess.
So, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, please find enclosed my first Top Something list on TQM: my Top 16 Favourite Movie Theme Songs.
I believe a movie is only as good as its music. Imagine some of your favourite films without a score as accompaniment: be pretty boring, wouldn't they? So as a tribute to this fading art, I humbly present to you the first part of the list, with the latter half coming next week. Provided are YouTube links as well, so you can listen to your hearts' content. Now let's not waste any more time faffing about.
#16
TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY Composed by: Brad Fiedel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGrH901xMFI
This sad, unsettling little ditty is usually stuck in anyone's head for a few days after they watch a Terminator movie, and with good reason. The simple techno-beat gives it that unnatural, synthetic feeling that one gets when they look upon the Terminators (or Schwarzenegger himself, for that matter). It's the same theme from the first movie, just kicked up another notch with some more epic instrumentation and frightening glimpses of humanity's forthcoming annihilation. Also, I dare you to listen to this without sticking your thumb up into the air and slowly lowering it.
#15
FUTURAMA: BENDER'S BIG SCORE Composed by: Christopher Tyng
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt1wg7bcjxA
Generally, when a beloved TV show gets made into a movie (even if it's just a direct-to-DVD movie like this one) its a cause for celebration for the fans. And this song does nothing if not celebrate the show's glorious return. Taking the classic theme and extending it with a few rump-shaking, foot-tapping new chords, Tyng expresses the happiness of both the fans and the characters themselves. The show everyone liked has just been renewed, it's returning bigger and better than ever with an HD movie, all is right with the Futurama world. This was the perfect way to kick off this movie.
#14
THE DARK KNIGHT Composed by: Hans Zimmer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1B3Mgklfd0
Get used to seeing Hans Zimmer's name on this countdown: that guy can make doing taxes sound epic. While the scores for Chris Nolan's bat-flicks are somewhat simpler than those in the movies that came before, they still maintain that quality standard of awesomeness that Bat-fans have come to expect. Listening to this piece, it's easy to imagine Batman grappling across rooftops under a full Gotham moon, beating the shit out of Joker goons. The strings alone are enough to give you goosebumps. Hell, they pretty much copy-pasted this music for the Arkham Asylum videogames.
#13
INDIANA JONES Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bTpp8PQSog
This actually would have been a bit lower on the list, but it's just so gosh-darned fun I had to put it above The Dark Knight. There isn't really anything I could say to do this song credit, so let me just put it this way: play this song at a party one day when a small group of friends are around. About eight seconds into it, count how many of your friends have starting cracking invisible whips or somersaulting across your living room floor whilst pretending to evade a giant boulder that only they can see. You know when you're on a plane and the little screens in the seats show you how far the plane is progressing across its flight path? Yeah, they TOTALLY need to have this playing when that happens.
#12
STAR WARS Composed by: John Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXcoM_AHuk8
Star Wars is just one of those movies that is literally defined by its music. George Lucas himself has said on numerous occasions that it's essentially a dialogue-free film with score serving as the main storytelling device. With a talented composer like John Williams at his beck and call, Lucas has every right to make that claim. You need only hear the first few notes of any piece of Star Wars music and its immediately identifiable, even to non-fans. The Force is strong with William's conductor baton, you've got to give him that.
#11
SAW Composed by: Charlie Clouser
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhSHXGM7kgE
This may seem like a weird choice at first, but I really dig this song. It caps off the end of pretty much every Saw movie, and it fits every time. It's just the right kind of music to accompany the big reveal of Jigsaw's latest crazy game. Every time those strings rise to that creep-as-hell crescendo, you sit there thinking, "Oh, shit, the whole time that was happening?!" It's a also a nice little callback to a time when all horror movies had iconic themes: Halloween, Friday the 13th, etc. This is a great little piece of music, and such a kick-ass way to end these movies.
#10
BATMAN Composed by: Danny Elfman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6frI0Xjufg
All I can say here is: what a great way to musically introduce the movie-going world to the Caped Crusader. I remember every kid on the playground raising their fists with glee and leaping around humming this tune, thanks to the fact that it was adopted as the main theme of the Batman Animated Series later on. When someone says the word "Batman" to me, I don't think of a guy in black armor with a cape: I think of this ear-tickling sucker. If every movie opened with a piece of music as bitchin' as this, the terrorists would have less reasons to hate us.
#9
ROCKY Composed by: Bill Conti
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioE_O7Lm0I4
Fuck "We Are the Champions": if you want to make a lazy person less lazy, crank this piece of music on the speakers and watch the magic. This could make a 300-pound, Cheeto-scarfing shut-in leap off the couch, pull on a track suit, and go running down the street, fists swinging and knees buckling. It's the quintessential victory dance. You could literally walk down the aisle to this at your wedding day if you wanted to, and nobody would bat an eyelash. Not only does it get you pumped, but its inspirational enough that it might even bring a small tear of joy to your eyes. And when music reaches that level of excellence, you know you've got something worthy of the championship title.
That's all for now. Next week: the conclusion.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Copper Sunset
It's April Fool's Day. But if I may, I'd like to set aside the levity of the day to speak about something very serious. While most of you are running around this afternoon with joy buzzers and flowers that squirt acid and those pens that shock people when they try to use them, I'm sitting at home mourning the loss of a loved one. Someone very near and dear to all of us has passed on, and I would like to take this opportunity to provide her with a brief but poignant obituary. To further increase the emotional weight of this situation, please feel free to play "My Heart Will Go On" in the background whilst reading.
Today, we mourn the loss of our dear friend, Penny.
I was very small the first time I was introduced to Penny; still a baby, in fact. She found her way into my crib and I tried to swallow her, giving my nearby parental figures a minor heart attack to be sure. But from that moment on, a friendship was forged that has withstood the test of time. As I grew out of babyhood and into toddlerhood, Penny was always lying around the house, watching me, making sure that no harm came to me. And as I got older still, Penny would jump gleefully into my pockets and willingly offer herself up as a sacrifice if I ever decided I wanted a pack of bubble gum from the corner store.
One of my fondest memories of Penny was her excellent proficiency at hide-and-seek. She would always win! No matter how hard I searched, I'd never find her. And once she found a hiding spot, she would stick to it! One time, after several hours of searching, I had to give up and admit defeat. Several years later, I was renovating the house when I removed a section of the baseboard and...there she was! Smiling at me as if to say, "What took you so long?"
Penny's big brother, Nick, had this to say about his sister's untimely demise: "When we were younger, I always used to tease Penny because I was bigger than her. But she never let it get to her. She grew up to be such a confident, strong person. I'm really going to miss her now that she's gone, especially since it means I'm the new low man on the totem pole."
Aside from her hide-and-seek skills (which were considerable), Penny often enjoyed the simple pleasures in life. She was fond of long rolls on the sidewalk, and taking soothing baths in Coca-Cola. She was also a huge fan of philosophy: she had a soft spot for words of wisdom, often overheard saying, "Take me or leave me, but saving me is earning me in the long run!" We're still not quite sure what she meant by that. Penny could be confusing at times, but it was part of the reason why we loved her.
I'm disappointed to say that not everyone is as fond of Penny as I am. Many people have been overheard calling her things like "useless" or "annoying". I've often walked past groups of folks muttering under their breath about her, wondering why we even keep her around. But I didn't listen to those people. Penny's worth comes not from her immediate value; it comes from the little things, the small favors she's always done for us without ever asking for anything in return. When we needed exact change, she was there. When we had to make a hasty decision on the fly, she was there. When we were drawing cars in kindergarten and we needed to trace something circular to make the wheels look good, she was there. The smallest favors are the ones we're always so quick to forget. But Penny never forgot about us. Resilient, loyal, and dedicated to the end, we could always count on Penny to turn up.
So we bid you a very fond farewell, old friend. And as you leave this world for that great big Franklin Mint in the sky, I hope you know that we'll be forever grateful for all the little things you've done for us throughout the years. Goodbye, Penny. And thank you.
PENNY
1858-2012
Discontinued...but not forgotten.
Today, we mourn the loss of our dear friend, Penny.
I was very small the first time I was introduced to Penny; still a baby, in fact. She found her way into my crib and I tried to swallow her, giving my nearby parental figures a minor heart attack to be sure. But from that moment on, a friendship was forged that has withstood the test of time. As I grew out of babyhood and into toddlerhood, Penny was always lying around the house, watching me, making sure that no harm came to me. And as I got older still, Penny would jump gleefully into my pockets and willingly offer herself up as a sacrifice if I ever decided I wanted a pack of bubble gum from the corner store.
One of my fondest memories of Penny was her excellent proficiency at hide-and-seek. She would always win! No matter how hard I searched, I'd never find her. And once she found a hiding spot, she would stick to it! One time, after several hours of searching, I had to give up and admit defeat. Several years later, I was renovating the house when I removed a section of the baseboard and...there she was! Smiling at me as if to say, "What took you so long?"
Penny's big brother, Nick, had this to say about his sister's untimely demise: "When we were younger, I always used to tease Penny because I was bigger than her. But she never let it get to her. She grew up to be such a confident, strong person. I'm really going to miss her now that she's gone, especially since it means I'm the new low man on the totem pole."
Aside from her hide-and-seek skills (which were considerable), Penny often enjoyed the simple pleasures in life. She was fond of long rolls on the sidewalk, and taking soothing baths in Coca-Cola. She was also a huge fan of philosophy: she had a soft spot for words of wisdom, often overheard saying, "Take me or leave me, but saving me is earning me in the long run!" We're still not quite sure what she meant by that. Penny could be confusing at times, but it was part of the reason why we loved her.
I'm disappointed to say that not everyone is as fond of Penny as I am. Many people have been overheard calling her things like "useless" or "annoying". I've often walked past groups of folks muttering under their breath about her, wondering why we even keep her around. But I didn't listen to those people. Penny's worth comes not from her immediate value; it comes from the little things, the small favors she's always done for us without ever asking for anything in return. When we needed exact change, she was there. When we had to make a hasty decision on the fly, she was there. When we were drawing cars in kindergarten and we needed to trace something circular to make the wheels look good, she was there. The smallest favors are the ones we're always so quick to forget. But Penny never forgot about us. Resilient, loyal, and dedicated to the end, we could always count on Penny to turn up.
So we bid you a very fond farewell, old friend. And as you leave this world for that great big Franklin Mint in the sky, I hope you know that we'll be forever grateful for all the little things you've done for us throughout the years. Goodbye, Penny. And thank you.
PENNY
1858-2012
Discontinued...but not forgotten.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Raiders of the Lost Art
I'm back from a one-week hiatus, which I'm going to call a mid-season finale in lieu of actually explaining where I went (that information is classified). All that matters is that I'm back now and I'm ready to chat some more with you fine people.
The other day, a close friend of mine lent me a videogame called Castlevania: Lords of Shadow. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with the videogame world...good luck reading this article. At least let me give you a quick little intro into Castlevania 101 so that you know what you're getting into here.
In a grossly condensed nutshell, Castlevania is a videogame franchise published by a popular game development company called Konami. The first game -simply titled Castlevania -came out on the Nintendo Entertainment System way back in May of 1987 (one month before I was born, in fact, and years before anyone in the world had the slightest idea what the fuck a "@" was supposed to be). The franchise centers on a group of interchangeable protagonists who all share a common trait of really, really disliking that Dracula fellow, to such an extent that they all take up arms and cut their way through hordes of monsters cobbled together from nearly every mythological pantheon ever created in the hopes that they'll get to stab Count Dracula right between the eyes at the end of it all. In fact, one of the aforementioned interchangeable protagonists hates Dracula so much that even after the vampire has been killed & chopped into numerous pieces, this hero takes it upon himself to travel the world, collect all of the pieces, assemble them, and resurrect the bastard...just so he can have the pleasure of killing him all over again. These are some sick fucking people, no question there, and it often leads one to wonder who the real blood-thirsty monster is in all of this. But I digress.
Since the Castlevania series began back when 8-bit graphics were a huge deal, most of the games have remained comfortably entrenched in their two-dimensional visual style. And it works. The games are great. But in the mid-nineties, everyone started to make the jump to3-D, and Castlevania felt that it better hop on that bandwagon, too. The result left fans of the franchise feeling as if a wooden stake had been driven through their own hearts. The most probable explanation for this is that the games are built around two primary mechanics: jumping, and killing things with a whip. Literally, that's it. If you want to sum up Castlevania in as few words as possible, it'd be: Jump. Whip monsters. Repeat. And neither jumping nor whipping translates well into blocky 3-D gaming. Hence, stakes through the heart.
I'm happy to say, though, that Castlevania: Lords of Shadow is definitely the best three-dimensional game in the entire series. It's done well, even if it is a huge departure from what the series used to be. It has its faults, and its definitely more its own animal than any kind of continuation of what came before. Naturally, this got me reminiscing about the older games and wishing I could take a crack at them again. Unfortunately, doing so is a lot easier said than done.
You see, videogames are not like movies or TV shows: you can't just walk into a Best Buy and find old ones lying around on DVD. The only games that sell are the brand-spanking new ones. Everything else is swept off the shelves as soon as it stops generating revenue. Finding copies of a game that was released more than three years ago can prove to be a more daunting and challenging task than actually beating the game itself. And if you're like me, who grew up playing them in the pre-digital age when everything came inside those charming little plastic cartridges, then finding old games from your youth is probably going to require you to enlist aid from someone who actually stands a chance of finding them...like Robert freaking Langdon for starters.
Cartridges aren't like digital media: they don't last forever, nor do the machines capable of running them. So games that were only ever in circulation in cartridge form run the risk of actually vanishing from existence if all copies of that game wear out over time before anyone has a chance to digitally back them up.
There are some old games that can be downloaded online via a Nintendo Wii or and Xbox 360, but those games are pre-selected by corporate stuffwads and are few and far between. Not everybody's favourite games are going to be there, and downloading these things is going to cost you almost as much money as you'd spend buying a brand-new game, especially if you're looking for a lot of older titles (which most folks are).
So what's the point of this ramble? To be frank, I think that there should be more of a concentrated effort to preserve classic videogames. After all, look at how much dedication goes into preserving art. Why can't we do the same for games? Why should these cherished pieces of electronic entertainment go the way of the dodo, especially in today's era where the amount of technology available at the fingertips of average Joes like us is enough to make even George Jetson blush? Everything and its mother is backed up now: every book or movie or piece of music or video clip or grocery list exists in some Apple-approved form. More videogames need this kind of love, too!
Whenever I ask my parents what they used to do for fun as kids, they'd tell me about all of these long-past wonders that seem like vague legend now. Every one of my parents' stories begins with, "Well, they don't make these anymore, but we used to have [BLANK]", or "Oh, man, there were these great things called [BLANK], you kids don't know what you missed out on!" One day, our kids will inevitably ask us, "Hey mom, hey dad, what did you guys do for fun when you were little?" Thanks to modern tech, we will be the first generation in history to be able to answer that question first-hand, by pulling up a digital copy of the first season of Thundercats and saying, "Well, they don't make these anymore, but we used to have hand-drawn cartoons. Here, see for yourself." (Oh, and don't get me started on cartoons, that's a rant for another time).
Why can't we get our kids to try their hands at Space Invaders or Altered Beast or Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine? It's so easy to back these old games up. We not only have the technology, we've reached the point where we're wallowing waist-deep in it. Let's not let these gems of the past become just another series of [BLANKS].
The other day, a close friend of mine lent me a videogame called Castlevania: Lords of Shadow. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with the videogame world...good luck reading this article. At least let me give you a quick little intro into Castlevania 101 so that you know what you're getting into here.
In a grossly condensed nutshell, Castlevania is a videogame franchise published by a popular game development company called Konami. The first game -simply titled Castlevania -came out on the Nintendo Entertainment System way back in May of 1987 (one month before I was born, in fact, and years before anyone in the world had the slightest idea what the fuck a "@" was supposed to be). The franchise centers on a group of interchangeable protagonists who all share a common trait of really, really disliking that Dracula fellow, to such an extent that they all take up arms and cut their way through hordes of monsters cobbled together from nearly every mythological pantheon ever created in the hopes that they'll get to stab Count Dracula right between the eyes at the end of it all. In fact, one of the aforementioned interchangeable protagonists hates Dracula so much that even after the vampire has been killed & chopped into numerous pieces, this hero takes it upon himself to travel the world, collect all of the pieces, assemble them, and resurrect the bastard...just so he can have the pleasure of killing him all over again. These are some sick fucking people, no question there, and it often leads one to wonder who the real blood-thirsty monster is in all of this. But I digress.
Since the Castlevania series began back when 8-bit graphics were a huge deal, most of the games have remained comfortably entrenched in their two-dimensional visual style. And it works. The games are great. But in the mid-nineties, everyone started to make the jump to3-D, and Castlevania felt that it better hop on that bandwagon, too. The result left fans of the franchise feeling as if a wooden stake had been driven through their own hearts. The most probable explanation for this is that the games are built around two primary mechanics: jumping, and killing things with a whip. Literally, that's it. If you want to sum up Castlevania in as few words as possible, it'd be: Jump. Whip monsters. Repeat. And neither jumping nor whipping translates well into blocky 3-D gaming. Hence, stakes through the heart.
I'm happy to say, though, that Castlevania: Lords of Shadow is definitely the best three-dimensional game in the entire series. It's done well, even if it is a huge departure from what the series used to be. It has its faults, and its definitely more its own animal than any kind of continuation of what came before. Naturally, this got me reminiscing about the older games and wishing I could take a crack at them again. Unfortunately, doing so is a lot easier said than done.
You see, videogames are not like movies or TV shows: you can't just walk into a Best Buy and find old ones lying around on DVD. The only games that sell are the brand-spanking new ones. Everything else is swept off the shelves as soon as it stops generating revenue. Finding copies of a game that was released more than three years ago can prove to be a more daunting and challenging task than actually beating the game itself. And if you're like me, who grew up playing them in the pre-digital age when everything came inside those charming little plastic cartridges, then finding old games from your youth is probably going to require you to enlist aid from someone who actually stands a chance of finding them...like Robert freaking Langdon for starters.
Cartridges aren't like digital media: they don't last forever, nor do the machines capable of running them. So games that were only ever in circulation in cartridge form run the risk of actually vanishing from existence if all copies of that game wear out over time before anyone has a chance to digitally back them up.
There are some old games that can be downloaded online via a Nintendo Wii or and Xbox 360, but those games are pre-selected by corporate stuffwads and are few and far between. Not everybody's favourite games are going to be there, and downloading these things is going to cost you almost as much money as you'd spend buying a brand-new game, especially if you're looking for a lot of older titles (which most folks are).
So what's the point of this ramble? To be frank, I think that there should be more of a concentrated effort to preserve classic videogames. After all, look at how much dedication goes into preserving art. Why can't we do the same for games? Why should these cherished pieces of electronic entertainment go the way of the dodo, especially in today's era where the amount of technology available at the fingertips of average Joes like us is enough to make even George Jetson blush? Everything and its mother is backed up now: every book or movie or piece of music or video clip or grocery list exists in some Apple-approved form. More videogames need this kind of love, too!
Whenever I ask my parents what they used to do for fun as kids, they'd tell me about all of these long-past wonders that seem like vague legend now. Every one of my parents' stories begins with, "Well, they don't make these anymore, but we used to have [BLANK]", or "Oh, man, there were these great things called [BLANK], you kids don't know what you missed out on!" One day, our kids will inevitably ask us, "Hey mom, hey dad, what did you guys do for fun when you were little?" Thanks to modern tech, we will be the first generation in history to be able to answer that question first-hand, by pulling up a digital copy of the first season of Thundercats and saying, "Well, they don't make these anymore, but we used to have hand-drawn cartoons. Here, see for yourself." (Oh, and don't get me started on cartoons, that's a rant for another time).
Why can't we get our kids to try their hands at Space Invaders or Altered Beast or Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine? It's so easy to back these old games up. We not only have the technology, we've reached the point where we're wallowing waist-deep in it. Let's not let these gems of the past become just another series of [BLANKS].
Monday, March 12, 2012
Force Perspective
Boys and girls, I think the time has come to have "the talk". I know your mother says you're still too young and it might be awkward and confusing for you, but you all have to hear about this sometime, and I'd rather tell you myself than have you hear it out on the streets somewhere. I believe you're all old enough and mature enough now to have this discussion. So put on a pot of coffee, slide into your bunny slippers, and get comfortable, kids.
Today we're going to talk about Star Wars.
WAIT! Please, hold on a sec here, don't exit this blog in disgust just yet. At least wait and hear out what I've got to say. I know that to most people these days, hearing the words "let's talk about Star Wars" sounds about as appealing as "let's talk about the ASTM standards for bias & precision in various applications". But what I want to tell you is a bit more serious than all of that.
See, with The Phantom Menace being re-released last month (in 3-D!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT THE KEYS!!!!!) I felt compelled to finally speak my peace about these movies, to say what I've been holding in since 1999. I feel the time is now right, thirteen years later, to get it all out in the open once and for all. My thesis for today's discussion, boys & girls, is this: I think the Star Wars prequels are just as good as the originals.
Again, WAIT! Remember, I believe you're all mature enough now to listen to this sort of thing without throwing a temper tantrum and stomping your feet. Please don't prove me wrong on that front. Give me a chance to explain my reasoning here. And no, I don't believe my words are going to change anyone's opinion. Trust me, you'd literally have better luck finding the Holy Grail than you would trying to change an angry nerd's opinion on any subject, least of all where Star Wars is concerned. I'm not out to play Oprah and sway anybody's allegiances here; all I hope to accomplish is to make you hear (and possibly even reflect upon) the other side of this incredibly one-sided argument.
So, to all those of you who have already started contemplating synonyms for the word "idiot" so you can creatively insult me the next time we meet, please lower your torches and pitchforks for a moment. The reasoning behind my seemingly "mad" statement is really quite simple. I'm not some hyper-intelligent man or anything: I didn't study or analyze the socio-political commentaries or underlying messages of the six Star Wars films and arrive at some previously unforeseen academic conclusion. I'm just a regular schmuck who happens to like Star Wars and who happens to have seen these movies in my own peculiar perspective.
I was first introduced to Lucas' sci-fi opus when I was 4. During a trip to Disneyworld, I saw a Darth Vader statue on display behind a glass case, complete with a sound chip that made him breathe when anyone got near. I thought he was a scuba diver. My mom quickly explained that I was in fact an idiot, and Vader was not a scuba diver but a Dark Lord of the Sith from a series of movies called Star Wars. Upon returning home, I eventually received the trilogy on VHS as a gift. I watched them one-by-one, each one about a month apart, and took in everything that I saw. Even though they were already 15 years old at the time, they still managed to resonate with me.
For whatever reason, I never got around to seeing the Special Edition when it was in theatres, but I was still obsessed with the movies. I devoured every novel, comic book, or informative guide on the subject that I could get my grubby little hands on. I was bouncing on my heels, eagerly awaiting the forthcoming prequels promised to us by that huggable flannel monster himself, George Lucas.
The abridged version of what followed: when I was 12, The Phantom Menace was released. Saw it. Loved it. When I was 15, Attack of the Clones was released. Saw it. Loved it. When I was 18, Revenge of the Sith was released. Saw it. Loved it.
But why? Why did I love them? Why did I harbor fondness for three movies that were so universally hated, you'd think the cast & crew were in league with Kony or something (relevant cultural reference: ZING!). Like I said, the answer is very simple. I loved them because they're just as good as the originals.
If you want to talk about the overuse of CG, that's fine. I get that. That's obviously the kinda movie Lucas wants to make, though, and had he held off on making the originals until 1999, they would have been full of CG, too. The creature puppets are fantastic, nobody can argue that. But CG's not what I'm here to talk about. If you hated the prequels strictly because you hate CG, then I hate to break it to you, friend, but that's not their fault: it's yours. Your tastes just ain't suited to a modern day film made by George Lucas. If you generally hate Chinese food and then complain that "that new Chinese food restaurant sucked"...sorry, but, you're digging in the wrong place.
The acting & dialogue? Now that's a big concern. And I'm not a completely blind idiot here: I'm defending the prequels, yes, but I'll be first to admit, there were times when the acting & the words being spoken made me cringe. But let's be honest with each other, kids: nobody remembers the originals for any stellar acting moments, either. I've had over two dozen different drama teachers in my lifetime, and none of them have ever asked me to read and analyze the intricacies of Princess Leia's "Help Me" monologue. Remember, these are the same screenwriters who made critically-acclaimed classical actor Sir Alec Guinness speak the words "I don't seem to remember ever owning a droid." But we still loved those movies.
Jar Jar Binks. ........................ Sorry, just wanted to let that set in for a moment and give people a moment to fume. Again, Jar Jar Binks. Annoying? Absolutely. Overused? Definitely. Strangely erotic? Hey, if you like, I'm not here to pass judgment. Is that so different from the Ewoks? Was Wicket W. Warrick annoying and overused? You bet. And apart from the Ewoks and the Gungans having roughly the same grasp on the English language, both of them aided our hero characters in leading a revolt against the antagonists. The only difference I can see? Ewoks have fur. But we still loved those movies.
How about the general silliness of it all? The ridiculous use of the word "younglings", the cheesy romance, the wacky alien creatures, the groan-worthy puns...the prequels had it all in spades, didn't they? But were the originals any less silly? Did everyone in 1977 really just sit back and think, "There's totally nothing strange about an 8-foot tall Wookiee who growls like a dog. I buy that."? Did anybody rise angrily out of their seats when the Emperor first started shooting lightning and yell, "Bullshit! That's way too absurd for me!!!"? For those of you who scowl with outrage whenever you hear the words "clone army" or watch the Podrace scene...you do know that laser swords are IMPOSSIBLE, right? That's why it's called science-FICTION.
I don't love everything about the Star Wars movies, kids. I don't love everything about the prequels, and I don't love everything about the originals. I can recognize good parts and bad parts and even awful parts, but I know a good story when I see one, and at the end of the day all of the positive outweighs the negative a hundredfold.
The playwright George Bernard Shaw once said something that I believe is the single most important quote in my life, literally the words I strive to live by day-by-day. Mr. Shaw said, "We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing." A majority of the people who hail the Star Wars prequels as the coming of the AntiChrist generally saw the original movies when they were much younger, as did I. But those people, in my humble opinion, "stopped playing". They grew up, took things like Star Wars a little more seriously than they should have, and as a result they lost out on experiencing three movies that deliver just as much excitement, adventure, and FUN (everyone who hated the prequels, please look this word up in the dictionary as a refresher) as the first three flicks.
Star Wars didn't change. It didn't get worse or stagnate. YOU did, kids. That doesn't make the prequels bad movies, and that doesn't make you bad people: all we have here are two factors that were once compatible, but no longer are. 8-year-olds in 1977 didn't give a flying fuck about "acting" or "dialogue" or "believability": those are ugly, boring grown-up words that adults say out loud in front of other adults in order to give off the appearance of being "mature" and "sophisticated". 8-year-olds saw lightsabers, aliens, robots, spaceships, and monsters, and that was pure perfection for them. If you liked lightsabers, aliens, robots, spaceships, and monsters back then...then the only thing preventing you from liking them again now is that now you have a mortgage and you're bitter because you found your first grey hair and you really want that raise but John from HR hasn't been returning your e-mails and you've been trying to save up to renovate the basement and...so on.
To me,the Star Wars prequels are as good as their predecessors because they did what we should all strive to do: they never stopped playing.
So go out there and have fun. Take your kids to the park. Take your wife out for ice cream. Wear a silly tie to work. Dance in the middle of your kitchen, even if there's no music playing. Use those alphabet magnets on your fridge to spell out dirty words. Roll around in the grass with your dog. Become a Jedi Knight like your father. PLAY.
May the Force be with you.
Today we're going to talk about Star Wars.
WAIT! Please, hold on a sec here, don't exit this blog in disgust just yet. At least wait and hear out what I've got to say. I know that to most people these days, hearing the words "let's talk about Star Wars" sounds about as appealing as "let's talk about the ASTM standards for bias & precision in various applications". But what I want to tell you is a bit more serious than all of that.
See, with The Phantom Menace being re-released last month (in 3-D!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT THE KEYS!!!!!) I felt compelled to finally speak my peace about these movies, to say what I've been holding in since 1999. I feel the time is now right, thirteen years later, to get it all out in the open once and for all. My thesis for today's discussion, boys & girls, is this: I think the Star Wars prequels are just as good as the originals.
Again, WAIT! Remember, I believe you're all mature enough now to listen to this sort of thing without throwing a temper tantrum and stomping your feet. Please don't prove me wrong on that front. Give me a chance to explain my reasoning here. And no, I don't believe my words are going to change anyone's opinion. Trust me, you'd literally have better luck finding the Holy Grail than you would trying to change an angry nerd's opinion on any subject, least of all where Star Wars is concerned. I'm not out to play Oprah and sway anybody's allegiances here; all I hope to accomplish is to make you hear (and possibly even reflect upon) the other side of this incredibly one-sided argument.
So, to all those of you who have already started contemplating synonyms for the word "idiot" so you can creatively insult me the next time we meet, please lower your torches and pitchforks for a moment. The reasoning behind my seemingly "mad" statement is really quite simple. I'm not some hyper-intelligent man or anything: I didn't study or analyze the socio-political commentaries or underlying messages of the six Star Wars films and arrive at some previously unforeseen academic conclusion. I'm just a regular schmuck who happens to like Star Wars and who happens to have seen these movies in my own peculiar perspective.
I was first introduced to Lucas' sci-fi opus when I was 4. During a trip to Disneyworld, I saw a Darth Vader statue on display behind a glass case, complete with a sound chip that made him breathe when anyone got near. I thought he was a scuba diver. My mom quickly explained that I was in fact an idiot, and Vader was not a scuba diver but a Dark Lord of the Sith from a series of movies called Star Wars. Upon returning home, I eventually received the trilogy on VHS as a gift. I watched them one-by-one, each one about a month apart, and took in everything that I saw. Even though they were already 15 years old at the time, they still managed to resonate with me.
For whatever reason, I never got around to seeing the Special Edition when it was in theatres, but I was still obsessed with the movies. I devoured every novel, comic book, or informative guide on the subject that I could get my grubby little hands on. I was bouncing on my heels, eagerly awaiting the forthcoming prequels promised to us by that huggable flannel monster himself, George Lucas.
The abridged version of what followed: when I was 12, The Phantom Menace was released. Saw it. Loved it. When I was 15, Attack of the Clones was released. Saw it. Loved it. When I was 18, Revenge of the Sith was released. Saw it. Loved it.
But why? Why did I love them? Why did I harbor fondness for three movies that were so universally hated, you'd think the cast & crew were in league with Kony or something (relevant cultural reference: ZING!). Like I said, the answer is very simple. I loved them because they're just as good as the originals.
If you want to talk about the overuse of CG, that's fine. I get that. That's obviously the kinda movie Lucas wants to make, though, and had he held off on making the originals until 1999, they would have been full of CG, too. The creature puppets are fantastic, nobody can argue that. But CG's not what I'm here to talk about. If you hated the prequels strictly because you hate CG, then I hate to break it to you, friend, but that's not their fault: it's yours. Your tastes just ain't suited to a modern day film made by George Lucas. If you generally hate Chinese food and then complain that "that new Chinese food restaurant sucked"...sorry, but, you're digging in the wrong place.
The acting & dialogue? Now that's a big concern. And I'm not a completely blind idiot here: I'm defending the prequels, yes, but I'll be first to admit, there were times when the acting & the words being spoken made me cringe. But let's be honest with each other, kids: nobody remembers the originals for any stellar acting moments, either. I've had over two dozen different drama teachers in my lifetime, and none of them have ever asked me to read and analyze the intricacies of Princess Leia's "Help Me" monologue. Remember, these are the same screenwriters who made critically-acclaimed classical actor Sir Alec Guinness speak the words "I don't seem to remember ever owning a droid." But we still loved those movies.
Jar Jar Binks. ........................ Sorry, just wanted to let that set in for a moment and give people a moment to fume. Again, Jar Jar Binks. Annoying? Absolutely. Overused? Definitely. Strangely erotic? Hey, if you like, I'm not here to pass judgment. Is that so different from the Ewoks? Was Wicket W. Warrick annoying and overused? You bet. And apart from the Ewoks and the Gungans having roughly the same grasp on the English language, both of them aided our hero characters in leading a revolt against the antagonists. The only difference I can see? Ewoks have fur. But we still loved those movies.
How about the general silliness of it all? The ridiculous use of the word "younglings", the cheesy romance, the wacky alien creatures, the groan-worthy puns...the prequels had it all in spades, didn't they? But were the originals any less silly? Did everyone in 1977 really just sit back and think, "There's totally nothing strange about an 8-foot tall Wookiee who growls like a dog. I buy that."? Did anybody rise angrily out of their seats when the Emperor first started shooting lightning and yell, "Bullshit! That's way too absurd for me!!!"? For those of you who scowl with outrage whenever you hear the words "clone army" or watch the Podrace scene...you do know that laser swords are IMPOSSIBLE, right? That's why it's called science-FICTION.
I don't love everything about the Star Wars movies, kids. I don't love everything about the prequels, and I don't love everything about the originals. I can recognize good parts and bad parts and even awful parts, but I know a good story when I see one, and at the end of the day all of the positive outweighs the negative a hundredfold.
The playwright George Bernard Shaw once said something that I believe is the single most important quote in my life, literally the words I strive to live by day-by-day. Mr. Shaw said, "We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing." A majority of the people who hail the Star Wars prequels as the coming of the AntiChrist generally saw the original movies when they were much younger, as did I. But those people, in my humble opinion, "stopped playing". They grew up, took things like Star Wars a little more seriously than they should have, and as a result they lost out on experiencing three movies that deliver just as much excitement, adventure, and FUN (everyone who hated the prequels, please look this word up in the dictionary as a refresher) as the first three flicks.
Star Wars didn't change. It didn't get worse or stagnate. YOU did, kids. That doesn't make the prequels bad movies, and that doesn't make you bad people: all we have here are two factors that were once compatible, but no longer are. 8-year-olds in 1977 didn't give a flying fuck about "acting" or "dialogue" or "believability": those are ugly, boring grown-up words that adults say out loud in front of other adults in order to give off the appearance of being "mature" and "sophisticated". 8-year-olds saw lightsabers, aliens, robots, spaceships, and monsters, and that was pure perfection for them. If you liked lightsabers, aliens, robots, spaceships, and monsters back then...then the only thing preventing you from liking them again now is that now you have a mortgage and you're bitter because you found your first grey hair and you really want that raise but John from HR hasn't been returning your e-mails and you've been trying to save up to renovate the basement and...so on.
To me,the Star Wars prequels are as good as their predecessors because they did what we should all strive to do: they never stopped playing.
So go out there and have fun. Take your kids to the park. Take your wife out for ice cream. Wear a silly tie to work. Dance in the middle of your kitchen, even if there's no music playing. Use those alphabet magnets on your fridge to spell out dirty words. Roll around in the grass with your dog. Become a Jedi Knight like your father. PLAY.
May the Force be with you.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Credit Where Credit is Due
Pop quiz: what do the following movies have in common? The Dark Knight. The Mummy Returns. Inception. Hostel. How To Train Your Dragon. Avatar.
Give up? The answer is, every single one of these films lacks both opening credits and an opening title.
I have to admit, I'm a bit confused as to why this is becoming such a popular trend in filmmaking these days. Opening credits are the lifeblood of movies. If done well, a good opening sequence can get an audience extremely pumped for the movie to follow. Want a perfect example? Look no further than 007 himself.
Quality of content notwithstanding, the James Bond flicks have one great thing going for them: they know how to open a movie with just the right sort of bang. They start us off in the heat of an action sequence somewhere, with James Bond engaged in a death-defying mission that we (as of yet) know very little about. Something extraordinary happens. Bond escapes by the skin of his neck. Maybe an explosion or two occurs. James Bond basically looks at the camera and says something along the lines of, "This is all child's play compared to what's coming next, folks!" Then...BANG. Credits. And while we sit through some horrible Sheena Easton song and watch naked animated women dance around the names of the executive producers, we're squirming with anticipation to see what's going to happen to our hedonistic British hero.
That little bit of excitement preceding the opening titles is called a teaser. Teasers can be very, very good things. They excite & stimulate an audience. They turn the upcoming 90 minutes into not just a movie, but an event. I, for one, think teasers are the cat's meow. If given millions of dollars & a camera and left to my own devices, I would never make a movie that didn't have a teaser. Of course, I'm the farthest thing from a competent director, so my movie might end up being a horrible mess that is nothing but teasers, which would strain the physical limits to such an extent that the whole thing would achieve some kind of unpleasant singularity.
Now, leaving out the title...well, that's just plain rude! It's common manners. You introduce yourself to new people, that's how interaction works.
"Hello, movie, my name is Elizabeth."
"Hello, Elizabeth. My name is Gladiator and I'll be your movie this evening. Can I start you off with a teaser?"
There. Simple. Done. Sounds much nicer than:
"Hello, movie, my name is Elizabeth."
"Hello, Elizabeth. My name is go fuck yourself."
"But Question Mark", you might exclaim, "you're overlooking an obvious answer to your problems! Credits and titles are being omitted because they want to cut down the run time of movies for today's attention-impaired, Ritalin-popping audiences!" Fair enough, I would reply, except let me direct your attention back to the list of six movies that kicked off this article. Half of them are movies directed by Chris Nolan or James Cameron: two men who definitely have NO PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER with a film being a bit on the long side.
All I hope for is that opening credits don't disappear off the face of the earth, the way good scores and colour have. Imagine a world without the Star Wars crawl. Imagine a world without Danny Elfman's Batman theme. Imagine Austin Powers without all of the nude dancing. That's not the kind of world I want to live in.
Give up? The answer is, every single one of these films lacks both opening credits and an opening title.
I have to admit, I'm a bit confused as to why this is becoming such a popular trend in filmmaking these days. Opening credits are the lifeblood of movies. If done well, a good opening sequence can get an audience extremely pumped for the movie to follow. Want a perfect example? Look no further than 007 himself.
Quality of content notwithstanding, the James Bond flicks have one great thing going for them: they know how to open a movie with just the right sort of bang. They start us off in the heat of an action sequence somewhere, with James Bond engaged in a death-defying mission that we (as of yet) know very little about. Something extraordinary happens. Bond escapes by the skin of his neck. Maybe an explosion or two occurs. James Bond basically looks at the camera and says something along the lines of, "This is all child's play compared to what's coming next, folks!" Then...BANG. Credits. And while we sit through some horrible Sheena Easton song and watch naked animated women dance around the names of the executive producers, we're squirming with anticipation to see what's going to happen to our hedonistic British hero.
That little bit of excitement preceding the opening titles is called a teaser. Teasers can be very, very good things. They excite & stimulate an audience. They turn the upcoming 90 minutes into not just a movie, but an event. I, for one, think teasers are the cat's meow. If given millions of dollars & a camera and left to my own devices, I would never make a movie that didn't have a teaser. Of course, I'm the farthest thing from a competent director, so my movie might end up being a horrible mess that is nothing but teasers, which would strain the physical limits to such an extent that the whole thing would achieve some kind of unpleasant singularity.
Now, leaving out the title...well, that's just plain rude! It's common manners. You introduce yourself to new people, that's how interaction works.
"Hello, movie, my name is Elizabeth."
"Hello, Elizabeth. My name is Gladiator and I'll be your movie this evening. Can I start you off with a teaser?"
There. Simple. Done. Sounds much nicer than:
"Hello, movie, my name is Elizabeth."
"Hello, Elizabeth. My name is go fuck yourself."
"But Question Mark", you might exclaim, "you're overlooking an obvious answer to your problems! Credits and titles are being omitted because they want to cut down the run time of movies for today's attention-impaired, Ritalin-popping audiences!" Fair enough, I would reply, except let me direct your attention back to the list of six movies that kicked off this article. Half of them are movies directed by Chris Nolan or James Cameron: two men who definitely have NO PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER with a film being a bit on the long side.
All I hope for is that opening credits don't disappear off the face of the earth, the way good scores and colour have. Imagine a world without the Star Wars crawl. Imagine a world without Danny Elfman's Batman theme. Imagine Austin Powers without all of the nude dancing. That's not the kind of world I want to live in.
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